To want set visiting time from my sons father?

[Ratatatawhoosthat]

Hi, trying to include everything to avoid drip feed.

I met my ex partner in LOCATION A (trying not to be outing lol) and we moved in together. There were a lot of red flags but stupidly I ignored them. I got pregnant assuming he would change (Jesus how did I become that cliché??) but soon realised the extent of how emotionally abusive and controlling he was. It wore me down and I eventually had a breakdown over it. I thought my life was not worth living and my self esteem was entirely ruined.

We broke up and I moved back to hometown and in my parents in LOCATION B, 6 months pregnant with no money and a whole lot of shame and sadness. I’ve been living there since. My lovely son is 11 months old.

Ex comes to visit every weekend. The drive is around 3.5 hours but there can often be up to an hours worth of traffic. Because it’s such a long drive and he has no “base” here he will spend the day at my
Parents or often he stays here at my parents for the night. It makes it tough as I cannot properly form boundaries with him. Some weekends we get on great and others it is utter hell. Really it depends on how he wants to treat me that weekend.

I am drained from the rollercoaster of it and it’s severely effecting my mental health. I am having therapy and have been prescribed anti depressants (though I’m not taking them as hoping the therapy alone will help me).

I really want to put in boundaries so I can move on and feel free of his abuse. The boundaries that I want are:

A)He cannot call or text me. All correspondence is to be over email. This means I don’t have to feel anxiety every time my phone pings and can just check my inbox when I feel okay to.

B)We have a set time that he visits and a set time that he leaves. I can therefore make plans to be out during this time.

The problem is. It’s not really working.

A)I explained to him over the weekend that I want us to only communicate over text. My Mum however is part of a WhatsApp group with him and his Mum were she sends daily updates about our son. She has done this since our son was little to keep him in the loop with what our son is doing every day, and so that his Mum feels more involved (she lives about 8 hours away from us all). Today however, now that he’s blocked on my WhatsApp, he has used the group as a platform to send unkind messages about me instead and so I am now so anxious that I am going to be hounded during the day just like before. I must admit I wish she didn’t update them daily but I’m sure I am being unreasonable on this one. Even when they’re texting positive things, it still means he is on my mind and I can never switch off from thinking about him as she will ask me what she should write on there.

B) He has said he wants to come every Saturday. Because it’s such a long drive and there is a chance of traffic he is refusing to give a set time that he will be here. He is saying that he wants to leave his home at 8:30am in the morning and hopefully get to me for 12 but ultimately he will arrive whenever he arrives, which could be up to an hour late. He says he will then stay until 4pm. I feel this is just another way of controlling me. I believe he should make allowances for the hours traffic. If he is supposed to be here for 12 then he should aim to get here for 11 and if he’s early maybe grab a coffee round the corner or do some work emails in his car. That’s what I would personally do.

Regarding Point B - am I being unreasonable to want a set time for him to get to me? Please can I have some advice on how to manage this situation. Please keep all advice constructive and kind, I am really struggling with my mental health at the moment. I realise that it might seem like I am exaggerating a small thing, but I have endured so much manipulation from him that I’m extremely sensitive to everything now. I also am struggling with the pressure of being the main carer of our son, hence why the four hours he wants to visit (12-4) are precious to me as “me time” and I don’t want to spend a whole hour of that waiting for him to turn up.

Also, I don’t trust that he would actually leave at 8:30am - I think he will leave whenever he likes and blame it on traffic.

please help and please be kind!

You moved, so unfortunately the courts will see it as you need to do more of the travel to facilitate contact.

I hate that you have to ask people to be kind on your post. This seriously upsets me, as so many people come on here just to bully and be cruel. Absolutely sick individuals!!

In regards to the controlling behaviour, I have been here and I feel for you greatly. I was suicidal after myself and my ex broke up, much of your experience is relatable.

You are absolutely right for asking for a set time for him to visit and leave. It is not your problem to have to put him up, when he comes to visit. He is an adult and should arrange for accommodation elsewhere. Nothing you have said is wrong or unreasonable, and you absolutely should go along with what you have said.

Please remember, things honestly do get better. This is not your hand in life, things will get easier and there is so much joy to be had from life. I know it doesn't always seem that way.

You sound like an intelligent, capable, loving mother, and you deserve the good things in life.

Good luck x

@GrumpyPanda you literally sound like the only person with some humanity.

The father is abusive! A lot of the time that abusive behaviour extends to others including children who cannot communicate. Nevertheless she is still happy to give that a chance for the sake of the child.

“You moved”… Yes she moved for good reason. To say she moved so she should do this and do that is absolutely ridiculous.

what you should be saying is ‘He is abusive’! That is why she moved. That is what started the chain of events. People always conveniently never want to start at the top but the middle.

Every single one of you deserve karma tenfold. Let’s see how you deal with abusive partners.

Family that truly care will also be vocal in shutting down abusive communications about you and will happily cut off contact with someone like that.

Absolutely shameful! No doubt the same people will say it is Gen Z ruining the world when actually the older gen started it with their nasty and cold ways.

@Sc34 grateful for your existence in showing some humanity and support to OP who needs it! We need more like you! Too many rotten individuals out there

Why are you going to your parents when he has his visit?
why don’t you arrange with your parents that they will have your son say Saturdays 11am to 6pm. Then he visits your son at their house (like he already is) and it doesn’t need to involve you, you’re free to do whatever you like that day
Also you could suggest that in view of the length of the trip he comes fortnightly but gets a b&b and sees his son for the weekend.

Or he actually is a good guy, whether the OP chooses to acknowledge that or not.

@Eggplant44 or you’re rotten like him. Hopefully life deals with your kind.

What a weird post