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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving depressed, dependent partner

42 replies

snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 17:52

I'm so unhappy but feel completely stuck in this relationship.

He relies on me for everything. I work, pay the mortgage and bills, cook, clean, make sure he sees his family, drive him to doctor's, dentist and optician appointments.

How on earth do I leave? He has nowhere to move to and couldn't afford it. Do we have to break up and then live together while we sell the house? How can I stop myself feeling overwhelmingly guilty about turning our lives upside down? How do I even get things started?

AIBU for wanting out?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 23/10/2022 17:53

Are you married? Who owns the house?

Original poster
snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 17:54

Not married, and joint owners.

OP posts:
DamnUserName21 · 23/10/2022 18:05

YANBU.
I would hate to have a partner completely dependent on me in this way. There is no real obligation for you to stay with him--you aren't married and you haven't mentioned children. Don't waste your life by staying with him out of pity.

Tell him, put the house on the market, sell and start anew.

DelurkingLawyer · 23/10/2022 18:34

How did it get like this OP? If you are joint owners of a house, was he working at one time? Is there any chance he’ll recover from his depression, or do you think his dependence on you is too entrenched for change?

I don’t blame you at all for wanting to leave. There are limits, even to the love and support you give a partner, and you shouldn’t have to spend your life in an unhappy relationship because of fear of what will happen to him. Imagine how you’ll feel after another 10 years of this.

By the way, if you do sell up and split the equity, I bet you’ll find he acquires another partner pretty soon. Sorry to sound cynical but men who rely on women to run their entire lives somehow have a way of always finding a partner who meets those needs.

Original poster
snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 18:53

It seems to have crept up on me. He used to work, used to do more around the house, used to go out and see friends. He started by accepting less work, then not being offered much work (or so he told me…) and me needing to pay more, cover his share, until it became ‘normal’. He also does that thing where he says he doesn’t notice that the bathroom needs cleaning or to load the dishwasher, that it matters more to me(!)

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 23/10/2022 18:55

Do you have children together?

DamnUserName21 · 23/10/2022 18:58

Sure it's depression and not cocklodging? Either way, it's a bloody noose around your neck. Get rid!

Mischance · 23/10/2022 19:00

Is he clinically depressed and had a diagnosis/treatment? If he does then leaving is indeed hard; but you cannot stay with someone you no longer love, which I presume is the case.

If he is not clinically depressed then he is a lazy fellow.

Original poster
snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 19:02

No kids. He never wanted them and I have fertility issues anyway.

It’s definitely partly depression, but I know he’s too comfortable and I’ve put up with it for so long that it’s almost disabled him. That’s mainly why I feel guilty, and struggle with leaving for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 19:03

Yes, diagnosed. He takes ADs but also drinks, which I think is not advised.

OP posts:
Mischance · 23/10/2022 19:05

I think you need an honest conversation with him. Tell him that living with his depression is a problem for you and that you need to rethink your relationship. I know it is hard to do that, but either you will drift along feeling miserable or your relationship will break down completely.

Obki · 23/10/2022 19:06

Oh God get rid. Don’t waste another year on him.

Overandunderit · 23/10/2022 19:07

I think you have to choose yourself OP. You'll probably have a period of rubbishness and you might have to co-live until you sell.

How many rooms do you have ? Can you separate and have "areas" of the house that you occupy separately?

EmmaDilemma5 · 23/10/2022 19:07

I think you leaving him may actually help him. He's not living a good life now. You leaving him may give him the drive to change.

Personally, if you think it'll work ok, I'd suggest living together until you've sold the house. If it's jointly owned then he's as much right staying there as you are (even if you are the one paying the bills currently).

I think you need to;

  1. tell him it's not working for you and you want to end the relationship.
  2. tell him you want to sell the house and he needs to think about what he does once it's sold (could he rent off the equity he gets?)
  3. get an estate agent round the value and list the house

Yes he'll struggle initially. But he's been functional before and he needs to change for his own good. Continuing the current situation isn't helping either of you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/10/2022 19:09

Just another pisshead cocklodger hiding behind the 'oh, you're so cruel to poor little me' narrative.

Kick him out and he can sort himself out, engage a solicitor and sort out how he gets half of a house where he's lived off you whilst he drinks and complains he's unhappy because you're so mean as to expect him to do a bit of housework whilst you're working to pay all the bills.

Jellybean23 · 23/10/2022 19:14

Him being hopeless and helpless isn't a good enough reason to spend the rest of your life missing out on happiness so that he can be happy.

A580Hojas · 23/10/2022 19:19

It's so difficult. If you possibly can I urge you to detach and get away.

ToFindNewWays · 23/10/2022 19:19

End this farce immediately. Sell the house. Get yourself your own place. Be happy.

Original poster
snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 19:19

Thank you, everyone. @A580Hojas have you been in the same situation?

OP posts:
mobear · 23/10/2022 19:32

My ex was like this. I kicked him out and he moved in with his parents. He found his feet (job and new partner) very quickly when I wasn’t paying for and doing everything for him!

DelurkingLawyer · 23/10/2022 19:33

snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 18:53

It seems to have crept up on me. He used to work, used to do more around the house, used to go out and see friends. He started by accepting less work, then not being offered much work (or so he told me…) and me needing to pay more, cover his share, until it became ‘normal’. He also does that thing where he says he doesn’t notice that the bathroom needs cleaning or to load the dishwasher, that it matters more to me(!)

Oh dear. Was this before or after the depression? It does sound to me like you have a cocklodger. A cocklodger suffering from depression, but a cocklodger nonetheless.

I am not of the “pull yourself together” school, but having suffered from depression myself, having nothing to do, no job to get up for, does not help the self-esteem or promote recovery. As a self-employed person, my worst experience with depression was when it coincided with a period of not having much work.

DelurkingLawyer · 23/10/2022 19:38

PS your updates leave me in no doubt that when you pull the rug out he will suddenly rediscover his mojo for as long as it takes to find another woman to fulfil his needs. Feel no guilt.

1FootInTheRave · 23/10/2022 19:39

He's a loser.

stressed2411 · 23/10/2022 20:10

Hey, reading this it feels like I could have written most of this. I have another post up about how it all started. I'm current in the 'limbo' stage where I know I need to leave, I've worked it out in my head but almost putting it off making it official. I took a break from him a few months ago but came back as I thought we could work things out. We do have days which are 'good' but then it goes back to him doing nothing and me having to run the household as if he doesn't exist.
I would advise you to be strong and braver than me. It is a very tough situation and I completely understand the guilt aspect, however just think if you still want to be in this same spot in 10 years time.

Readaboutyourself · 23/10/2022 20:12

The guilt will pass and you might be amazed by how he falls on his feet. I’ve seen it happen.

Keep in mind you are not responsible for him or how he feels. Be honest and clear. Don’t give false hope.

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