Page 2 | Leaving depressed, dependent partner

snowfairyintheshops · 2022-10-23T16:52:20+00:00

I'm so unhappy but feel completely stuck in this relationship. He relies on me for everything. I work, pay the mortgage and bills, cook, clean, make sure he sees his family, drive him to doctor's, dentist and optician appointments. How on earth do I leave? He has nowhere to move to and couldn't afford it. Do we have to break up and then live together while we sell the house? How can I stop myself feeling overwhelmingly guilty about turning our lives upside down? How do I even get things started? AIBU for wanting out?

Clymene · 23/10/2022 20:33

EmmaDilemma5 · 23/10/2022 19:07

I think you leaving him may actually help him. He's not living a good life now. You leaving him may give him the drive to change.

Personally, if you think it'll work ok, I'd suggest living together until you've sold the house. If it's jointly owned then he's as much right staying there as you are (even if you are the one paying the bills currently).

I think you need to;

tell him it's not working for you and you want to end the relationship.
tell him you want to sell the house and he needs to think about what he does once it's sold (could he rent off the equity he gets?)
get an estate agent round the value and list the house

Yes he'll struggle initially. But he's been functional before and he needs to change for his own good. Continuing the current situation isn't helping either of you.

I agree with this.

I'd tell him that you don't think it's helping him and that you've developed a codependent relationship which isn't a good thing for either of you.

Honestly I'd expect him to bounce right back.

Moominfanjo · 23/10/2022 20:36

If you don't love him anymore and you have no real ties, then it's a no brainer surely?

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 20:57

Clymene · 23/10/2022 20:33

I agree with this.

I'd tell him that you don't think it's helping him and that you've developed a codependent relationship which isn't a good thing for either of you.

Honestly I'd expect him to bounce right back.

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Do it asap and get rid of this waster who is using you.

Unbelievable OP.

You deserve better.

Unicorn2022 · 23/10/2022 21:01

You need to get out of this relationship but it will be difficult to live together in the house while you are selling it if he knows you are leaving him. I would tell him you want to move house, put the house on the market and sell it, and only tell him it's over after you have exchanged. If he's not working and you are out of the house all day he will likely ruin any chance of selling if he knows you are separating.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 23/10/2022 21:08

You don't owe anyone a relationship and particularly one where you've turned in to his mum. Stop feeling guilty - he's an adult capable of working and housing himself. His actions and behaviour are not your responsibility.

Thepossibility · 23/10/2022 21:08

Rip the band-aid off. You need to leave before this becomes the rest of your life.
I agree he's a cocklodger, even if he is depressed. And if he IS depressed then leeching off some poor female the rest of his life won't bloody help his self worth..

EmmaH2022 · 23/10/2022 21:11

Unicorn2022 · 23/10/2022 21:01

You need to get out of this relationship but it will be difficult to live together in the house while you are selling it if he knows you are leaving him. I would tell him you want to move house, put the house on the market and sell it, and only tell him it's over after you have exchanged. If he's not working and you are out of the house all day he will likely ruin any chance of selling if he knows you are separating.

This is mad
where would she say they are going?

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/10/2022 21:14

You’re not doing him any good being there - he’s depressed with you there. So you’re sacrificing your life to no good effect

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 23/10/2022 21:19

Hey OP, I am a 70 year old stranger on the internet and I say live your one and only precious life for your own joy.

XmasElf10 · 23/10/2022 21:21

I divorced my husband after many years of this. He hadn’t worked for years (or contributed in other ways). The guilt was huge. He left in the caravan and I immediately sold the house (with his agreement but he’d never have done any of the work) and we split money 50:50. I agreed to let him spend from the joint account until we formally divorced and he got his share of assets. Basically it gave him 6 months to find a job, rent a house and get set up. The caraven meant we weren’t cohabiting during this time. He stepped up massively when he had no other choice (showed he was lazy and not incapable!)

tallwivglasses · 23/10/2022 21:32

I'm yet another one here who was in your situation and I sympathise. I haven't seen if you've mentioned how old you are (30's?)

Please get out. It may be the best thing you could do for both of you, or he may sink (as would you if you stayed with him) but he won't be your problem any more. Put yourself first for a change.

Unicorn2022 · 23/10/2022 21:34

@EmmaH2022 to a new house. Only last year we found out that my friend's partner was ruining all the viewings on their house while she was at work. Cocklodgers are lazy bastards but they aren't stupid.

Original poster

snowfairyintheshops · 23/10/2022 21:44

I don’t think it would be possible/ feasible to sell without it being clear that we were splitting. He categorically does not want to move anyway, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend.

I’m late 30s, he’s late 40s. I think it would have to be weekend or evening viewings anyway so I can make sure everything is okay and take him somewhere if we need to get out. Do sellers still tend to leave the house for viewings???

OP posts:

billy1966 · 24/10/2022 09:04

Of course he is not going to want to split up, you are his retirement work horse.

He has zero intentions of ever working again.

What in gods name are you doing throwing your life away on him?

Such a waste of a life.

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/10/2022 13:24

Unicorn2022 · 23/10/2022 21:01

You need to get out of this relationship but it will be difficult to live together in the house while you are selling it if he knows you are leaving him. I would tell him you want to move house, put the house on the market and sell it, and only tell him it's over after you have exchanged. If he's not working and you are out of the house all day he will likely ruin any chance of selling if he knows you are separating.

Having been in a similar situation, I tend to agree with this. Even if it sounds underhand (it is), selling the house "because you want to move" could be a wise move.

You won't have to deal with any histrionics until the house is effectively sold.

It would prevent a situation where he becomes deliberately difficult about selling the house.

So get it on the market asap and deal with the ending of the relationship later.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2022 13:27

He'll land on his feet, op, cocklodgers like him always do. Sell the house and get as far away from him as you can. Don't waste another day.

Fraaahnces · 26/10/2022 13:30

Are you certain depression isn’t cocklodging???