Honest answers- do you truly feel things are equal in your household?

[Skinnermarink]

Because I don’t and it’s pissing me off, but my husband thinks they are, so we are at a stalemate and I’d like to move on in a positive away instead of fantasising about feeding him to the local foxes.

We both work full time but he does 9-5 in a not very stressful environment, I do compressed 38 hours in 3.5 days to save on nursery fees and have more time with DS. 2 days a week I leave the flat at 6am and am not home until 8 or later. Therefore on those days DH does all the getting up and bedtime stuff (but DS usually sleeps until 7) obviously I do it on all the other days.

DS is going through a bit of a sleep regression at the moment because he’s pissed off we are weaning him and he just cries for milk at all hours of the night because he just won’t eat actual food properly. I am doing 80% of those wake ups and stressing about this in general.

DH was out all day yesterday at the football, fine, but I said I want you to take DS out today so I can have some time to myself. This hasn’t happened because it’s been raining and he doesn’t know where to take DS so it’s just been a normal day really. I got a lie in until 9 as it was my turn but when I got up, DH went back to bed for 2 hours. This is usually what happens every weekend, and I’m starting to feel quite appalled that DH is still in his dressing gown at 12pm eating a bowl of shreddies while I’ve been up, dressed and doing whatever needs doing while looking after DS. Anything I say is met with ‘relax, it’s the weekend!’

My mum is coming to stay tomorrow and I have shitloads to clean and tidy which is apparently my responsibility because it’s my parent coming, not his. He has done a few bits but no big ticket items. He did fix a wheel on the dishwasher and take some rubbish out and has reminded me of this several times.

I do all DS’s laundry, food, everything relating to him really but I admit I can be a bit of a control freak and DH has put him in some really whack outfit combos or claims not to know where stuff is. His memory is terrible, and if I write reminders down for him I am micro managing.

I don’t know what I want really but I’m sick of being made to feel like a bloody nag or a martyr. So how many of you feel that you are getting proper support and your partner properly pulls their weight?

I’m not quite sure what he’s doing wrong, you want it clean for your parent you do it. And why the issue with him going back to bed?

The issue is, because he’s generally had far more sleep than me in the first place, and there’s stuff that needs doing.

This sounds extremely stressful. I'm not saying you are wrong and he is right or vice versa but just reading it made me feel a bit exhausted - and not just from his (in your point of view, lack of) side of things.

Equal between dh and I - yes
It's the laziness of the teen/tween that p's me off.

I mean, if your child is young then: Does it really matter if he's dressed in 'odd combo's'? Unless there are photographs being taken at a nice event, who actually cares? Also, if your DS is young, does it matter if your house isn't immaculate when your parents come (assuming your parents aren't Charles and Camilla and there will be loads of press outside)??

So you are trying to clean and look after DS while he's had a day out and a rest? Yes that is uneven.

Did you just come on here to get the “He’s a lazy bastard / LTB / You deserve better” responses? Sounds like you’re both busy and it you want to tip-toe around the details then that’s between you and him

I think things are pretty equal between myself and DH.

He starts work early so I do school drop offs then he picks up. We share housework pretty evenly. He does all the ironing, hoovering and usually does the bathrooms. I do general tidying, shopping and cooking, he cleans up afterwards.

The one area I do more is the mental load. Partly because I'm an organiser and list maker in general and partly because as I do the school drop offs I'm more aware of what the dc's need.

Yes it equal between my DH and I, we are both retired and mid/early fifties. Our young adult DC get a good deal chores wise as much DH and i have time to do it.
OP the wacky outfits wouldn’t bother me. If your DH is actually doing a job you need to leave him to it. Could you try not doing jobs you resent, not moaning or nagging, just stop?

What age is your little one. The thing is I read your post and I completely get why you are getting stressed out. there is a lot to get stressed out about! But also I was sitting in my dressing gown until an hour ago because it's raining and it's the weekend! You are a bit like my DH, he gets up and dressed and sorted v early, I'm more.... looking for opportunities to relax (otherwise known as being lazy). Difference is my DC are adults now and things were very different when I was at your stage.

I always helped clean up for his family coming as he helped clean up for mine, you are a team, a unit, and it's times like this that you are supposed to benefit/give support. Him saying it's your parent is a cop out.

Getting a lie in is about the whole experience not just sleeping. We would get our lie in and at least an hour for breakfast/pondering, this needs to be renegotiated - You shouldn't wake up from a lie in to be instantly in charge of the little one - where's the fun in that!

Two 14 hour days a week is a lot! You must be so tired at this stage of the week, especially if your DC is struggling to sleep. This might be affecting you a lot more than you think!

Wacky combo outfits can be the norm for a while - it really doesn't matter as much as you think it does, it is better to have lower expectations and share the jobs than have everything perfect.

You need to work together, it's not fair you are feeling like a nag or a martyr.

Tell him to make his own lists if his memory is poor but don't stop expecting him to be a fair partner.

Things will get better but don't take everything on all the time - people let you do this and you resent them for it but you have to be the one to start setting your own boundaries with this.

When it comes to our sons I do the lions share and I always have. But I have enjoyed it, am a control freak, and I prefer it that way. I am also benefiting from a deeper, closer, happier relationship with my children than my husband a result.

No, that's not very feminist, but that is the way it is in our house.

Now our boys are nearly grown up the balance of household chores is much more evenly balanced. Dh does all the cooking for example, all the gardening, all the DIY....shares driving the younger teen around etc.

When our family was the age yours is I remember it being all about who does the night wakings who has had the most lie ins etc... Competitive sleeping I used to call it. I did feel resentment at the time, but it all evens out in the end, or it has with us anyway. I never wanted to have a full on row about any of it.

Maybe that's just me.

@SingingInTheAttic thanks for this- it’s a valid point that I’m just not very good at switching off and doing nothing when there’s stuff to be done. And working a full week squished into 3.5 days can feel pretty brutal. DS is only just 1.

Our rule is that if someone is doing the job, the other person isn't their manager. So things like odd combos of clothes wouldn't be an issue. And if one of us decides something needs doing rather than it being manifestly necessary, they don't get to rope the other person in willy nilly.

No DC but DP and I both work long hours and pull our weight. Eg today I cleaned the bathroom did grocery shop and doing a roast and meal prep this afternoon whilst DH does hoovering and dusting.
During the week I do dinner and he cleans up (I'm a better cook)
I do the mental load stuff and he does the odd jobs. It works well for us.
However; we love our lie ins and slow weekends so we're not having children. Precisely to avoid feeling like you and DH.

I do all DS’s laundry, food, everything relating to him really but I admit I can be a bit of a control freak and DH has put him in some really whack outfit combos or claims not to know where stuff is. His memory is terrible, and if I write reminders down for him I am micro managing

So your post is complaining that things aren’t 50/50 in your marriage but you are actively choosing to do “everything” for your child because you are a control freak. It’s hardly going to be 50/50 then is it?
What is wrong with an outfit that doesn’t entirely match every so often? What are you writing down in the notes? What is wrong with just leaving your husband to figure it out?

By and large it is 50/50 for us. We will obviously go through periods when one is busy at work or has been ill and the other picks up the slack.

I think overall an important rule is that when one parent is doing a task you just let them get on with it their way. I don’t interfere when DH dresses DD or what he feeds her, or how they play. Yes if I was doing it I would do differently but it doesn’t matter, it’s not always my way and that’s fine.

It's the reason I like being single - no more arguments over who does what and how. Funnily enough being responsible for a house and 2 DCs is less stressful when you don't have a useless partner.

Yes, of course.
However, I do live alone, so anything other than totally equality would be very strange!

We're kind of similar to your family setup in that we also have a young son and I work 13 hour shifts 3 days a week whereas my husband works regular office hours. It's not a parental thing though, I've been working these hours for years and years and love the extra days off it gives me.

I think we're pretty even as far as workload goes, although my husband drives and I don't so he inevitabley gets stuck with all the driving. We'll both be in our dressing gowns till after midday together at least one day a week and have our son in whatever mismatched combo we grab so I guess we're evenly matched that way too.

How old is your son? If he's still very young (under a year) then I would give him more milk alongside solids rather than have him crying at night because he's hungry. It takes some a bit longer to take to solids,my own son goes through phases of eating loads or barely eating for weeks, I just up his milk intake for the couple weeks he's off his solids for.

I feel the same in my relationship and what I feel it boils down to how important we view certain tasks - he doesn't think certain things are worth doing so he doesn't do them and it's left to me - such as having a tidy house when guests arrive, having the baby wear matching clothes, or organising trips/holidays in advance to get the best rates, or planning meals in advance or even doing a weekly shop (would just do it as and when). So I do everything like that and it pisses me off that I take on most of the mental load because he 'isn't bothered'. On the one hand, I'm like yeah, if he's not bothered either way then why should he have to do it. Other times I just think we are not compatible! So no real advice here but you're not alone. Finding it tough to balance too!

That would annoy me too, OP.

I think DP and I have issues and periodically we address them, but one thing I do love and which makes a huge difference to my quality of life, is that she actually gets why, if someone's coming over, the house should be in a decent state.

I really hate the argument that only the person who cares about the house being clean, ought to clean it. It is an unfortunate fact that, in this sexist world, people typically judge women for having messy houses much more than they judge men. Your husband has not grown up being socialised to see a messy house as a reflection on him. You probably have. You need to point this out to him and get him to pitch in. There is room for compromise about what you each expect of day-to-day cleaning, but IMO if you are someone who will feel uncomfortable having guests over unless the house is clean, it is basic domestic courtesy for your husband to recognise that feeling and help you out.

The stuff with him not knowing where to take DS/not knowing how to look after him sounds like 90% learned helplessness and 10% yes, you needing to calm down and let him dress DS in whatever.

Nope. I've not seen my husband since august. I do everything. Although if a bill hasn't been paid and it's in his name it causes me hassle. I can't work or claim.

Absolutely not!!

I'm a highly organised energetic individual so I do bloody everything and work 🙄

The thing is, in one sentence you say things aren't equal, but in the next you admit to being a bit controlling and say you don't like how DH dresses DS.

You can't have it both ways. Either you accept that DH does things differently to you and don't get worked up about what DS wears, or accept that it bothers you too much to leave it, and do it yourself.

I also don't think it's fair to tell him to take DS out so you can clean, either. Surely he can just entertain him at home while you crack on?

Things aren't equal

This sounds pretty standard, my DH will get up, let the dogs out then sort out his own breakfast and catch up on the TV news. I get up, feed the dogs, washing up from last night and his breakfast, sweep downstairs floor, quick tidy round then have a cuppa. I can always see work needing doing whereas DH will go and have a couple of computer games in his study. It's like living with a teenager with no responsibilities.