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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned I can't trust DH? (I'm not talking about cheating, but his inability to not share secrets)

46 replies

ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 13:41

Since I met DH he has been unable to keep anything to himself and it's becoming a big problem.

I used to have a job when in my early twenties that I'm not proud of and he know it's something I would be mortified if anyone found out about.

Yesterday we were on a night out and his friend told me he know about 'what I used to do' - DH recently told him.

This is not the first time it's happened, I have suspicions he has told people I take mental health meds despite I have made him swear not to tell anyone as it's nothing to do with anyone else it's my own health.

When I confronted him and told him how much it hurts me he just said when he has a drink sometimes he struggles to keep things to himself. Not good enough IMO.

I'm not sure how to handle such a situation, does anyone have advice? Does anyone else have a DH that does this?

OP posts:
Keyansier · 23/10/2022 13:48

What job did you used to do?

I would be angry if someone repeatedly did this to me.

Original poster
ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 13:50

@Keyansier I don't want to say because could be outing - it's irrelevant but let's just say it's something I don't want people to know.

It's not that bad, but just not something I ever wanted him to share and he knows that

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 23/10/2022 13:51

I wouldn’t tell him anything ever again that I wasn't happy for people to know.
Not ideal in a husband.

Keyansier · 23/10/2022 13:55

Was it a 'shot girl' in a bar? (Apologies, I don't know what the correct term is). That's not bad at all.

Regardless, if you told him in confidence and he understood it to be such then he is definitely BU.

takealettermsjones · 23/10/2022 13:57

Start making up shit about him and go tit for tat.

I'm joking, obviously. But jeez... Not a good look in a husband, not being able to keep your wife's confidence.

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/10/2022 14:01

If he turns into a person who breaks his wife's trust when he has a drink, then he cant have a drink. That's the choice.

He picks you or he picks drinking. He cannot use drink as an excuse for telling people your private business which you should be able to share with your husband in confidence. If the reason he is telling people is the drink then that needs to stop.

It sounds like he turns into someone who wants to be the centre of attention, give the shock gossip, have people laughing along at what he has to say. And when he is drunk, he cant stop himself from throwing you under the bus to get that attention.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2022 14:02

If your own husband won't keep your confidence, I don't see much point to your marriage. Chances are, there will be many issues that come up during your marriage that you will want to remain private. You can't trust him and that just isn't going to work.

Worthyornot · 23/10/2022 14:05

I couldn't be with someone like this. Of anyone should have your back or keep your secrets it's your husband. If you can't trust him then not much to the relationship is there?

Keyansier · 23/10/2022 14:09

@WeepingSomnambulist
It sounds like he turns into someone who wants to be the centre of attention, give the shock gossip, have people laughing along at what he has to say. And when he is drunk, he cant stop himself from throwing you under the bus to get that attention.
**
That's projecting. It could easily just as well be that he was in conversation with someone who mentioned they, or someone they know, did or does the same job as the OP used to and wanted advice about it and he drunkenly gave his perspective. You don't know if he said it for gossip, or for people to laugh at the OP, you've just completely made that up.

ptsdmum · 23/10/2022 14:17

Not everyone is very private, a lot of people are very free with their own information and struggle to understand why somebody else is more private than them. If it's something he isn't ashamed of or doesn't think you should be ashamed of then maybe that's why he said it, maybe he was drunk and being thoughtless, or maybe he told this friend in confidence and it's this friend that has broken his word about keeping it shtum. It's up to you how you feel about this, and whether it's a deal breaker for you or not, and also whether it's part of a wider pattern that makes you feel you can't trust him at all or a one time cock up in 'vino Veritas'

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 23/10/2022 14:19

An adult should be able to keep his own, and other people's, private information to himself. Your husband does not sound very grown-up.

Original poster
ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 14:27

@ptsdmum you hit the nail on the head. He is very open with everything cannot understand privacy which is why he does it but isn't it his choice to be free with HIS business not mine? It's not up to him to choose what happens with my information he can do that with his own

OP posts:
Original poster
ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 14:28

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 23/10/2022 14:19

An adult should be able to keep his own, and other people's, private information to himself. Your husband does not sound very grown-up.

Agree I told him it's so so childish and I also told him I'll be telling people things he asks to be private.

There's things he doesn't tell his parents that I will be divulging just to get back at him because I'm really angry

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2022 14:29

There's things he doesn't tell his parents that I will be divulging just to get back at him because I'm really angry

If this is what your marriage has devolved to, you need to end it because it's already over.

Hawkins001 · 23/10/2022 14:30

ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 13:41

Since I met DH he has been unable to keep anything to himself and it's becoming a big problem.

I used to have a job when in my early twenties that I'm not proud of and he know it's something I would be mortified if anyone found out about.

Yesterday we were on a night out and his friend told me he know about 'what I used to do' - DH recently told him.

This is not the first time it's happened, I have suspicions he has told people I take mental health meds despite I have made him swear not to tell anyone as it's nothing to do with anyone else it's my own health.

When I confronted him and told him how much it hurts me he just said when he has a drink sometimes he struggles to keep things to himself. Not good enough IMO.

I'm not sure how to handle such a situation, does anyone have advice? Does anyone else have a DH that does this?

Personally I suspect this type of behaviour from most people I know, always better to use cover stories when possible or write a diary of what covers you have used with who, so you don't forget any details.

luckylavender · 23/10/2022 14:34

Keyansier · 23/10/2022 13:55

Was it a 'shot girl' in a bar? (Apologies, I don't know what the correct term is). That's not bad at all.

Regardless, if you told him in confidence and he understood it to be such then he is definitely BU.

Twice the OP has said she doesn't want go say. Respect her wishes.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 23/10/2022 14:57

ineeduourhelp · 23/10/2022 14:28

Agree I told him it's so so childish and I also told him I'll be telling people things he asks to be private.

There's things he doesn't tell his parents that I will be divulging just to get back at him because I'm really angry

Show quote history

I 100% understand why you feel like this, but if you really are thinking about doing this for real I think you need to reassess the whole relationship.

To be honest, that might be needed anyway - what's the point bring with someone you can't trust? 🙁

I have to say the fact he has some things he chooses not to tell his parents does show its purely by choice that he won't keep your secrets - it's not that he's just incapable of not telling people stuff obviously. Which again, is a sad indication of the importance he placed on your personal info.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 15:15

Keyansier · 23/10/2022 13:48

What job did you used to do?

I would be angry if someone repeatedly did this to me.

FFS @Keyansier when an OP posts about having her secrets exposed, it's really not on to demands that she tells YOU all about them. Why do you think it's any of your business - so that you can judge, & change your response to her H's behaviour according to how badly you feel you can look down on her old job?

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 15:21

When I confronted him and told him how much it hurts me he just said when he has a drink sometimes he struggles to keep things to himself. Not good enough IMO.

I'm not sure how to handle such a situation, does anyone have advice?

"H, using drink as an excuse to betray my trust is not good enough. Every time you do it I lose a little more respect for you. If you do it again, I will need to reconsider our marriage, because I cannot live with someone I don't trust."

OP - I know you're angry, & you have every right to be. But please do NOT indulge in tit for tat behaviour. It won't stop your H from tattling on you - quite the reverse - & in order to have a chance of getting through to him, you need to retain the moral high ground.

What you could do is ask him how he would feel if you went to mummy & daddy & told them Embarrassing Story XYZ. Ask why he expects YOU to keep his secrets, but he won;t do the same for you.

And - if you give him an ultimatum like the above, you need to mean it.
Good luck.

billy1966 · 23/10/2022 15:22

Honestly OP why you are with him is beyond me.

If you don't have children, get rid of this loser quickly.

I couldn't look at such a disloyal piece of shit.

Completely unforgivable.

octoberweather · 23/10/2022 15:31

Millions of people on MM, so many people would have probably done the same job. What is it? It's relevant wether or not you should be that embarrassed or not

Hawkins001 · 23/10/2022 15:36

A phrase in the intelligence services, loose lips sinks battle ships.
to add my extra, instead better to give fake battleships,

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 15:38

octoberweather · 23/10/2022 15:31

Millions of people on MM, so many people would have probably done the same job. What is it? It's relevant wether or not you should be that embarrassed or not

Oh give over with this.

How is the JOB relevant?
The only relevance is the fact that OP's H cannot keep a secret.
What that secret is has absolutely NO bearing on her H's behaviour.

You just want some juicy backstory to get judgemental over - admit it!

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 15:39

... unless the job was a very recent, short one, in which OP tanked the national economy in 6 weeks & had to perform an embarrassing 'resignation' it's none of our fucking business 😂

WeepingSomnambulist · 23/10/2022 15:40

@Keyansier

He disnt just talk about her job. He shares other secrets. Because he enjoys being the one to share secrets and have attention.