To be concerned I can't trust DH? (I'm not talking about cheating, but his inability to not share secrets)

[ineeduourhelp]

Since I met DH he has been unable to keep anything to himself and it's becoming a big problem.

I used to have a job when in my early twenties that I'm not proud of and he know it's something I would be mortified if anyone found out about.

Yesterday we were on a night out and his friend told me he know about 'what I used to do' - DH recently told him.

This is not the first time it's happened, I have suspicions he has told people I take mental health meds despite I have made him swear not to tell anyone as it's nothing to do with anyone else it's my own health.

When I confronted him and told him how much it hurts me he just said when he has a drink sometimes he struggles to keep things to himself. Not good enough IMO.

I'm not sure how to handle such a situation, does anyone have advice? Does anyone else have a DH that does this?

😅

@octoberweather it's not embarrassment actually - but that doesn't mean I want people to know,

I am a believer of not oversharing - I'm just a fairly private person.

Why should people know everything? Where do you draw the line? Should people know what medical conditions you have, how many sexual partners? Why should it be up to ME to decide what I want others to know?

You said your not proud of it, obviously an embarrassment, probably something like a stripper

ODFOD

Just popping in to have a nasty swipe, & nothing supportive to add? Why did you bother posting? I'd rather have been a stripper than be someone who likes to shame women, or spill their personal business.

I think being able to be a very open 'no secrets' kind of person is a real luxury. One that depends upon having grown up in a very stable, loving, open environment (or one so bad that the person has become able to detach themselves from it completely, in a deliberately comedic way).

For many people, layers of nuance, privacy and strong contextual awareness are necessary social survival skills, in a generally judgmental, unsupportive and gossipy society.

He's privileged. Like many privileged people he can't easily (and can't be bothered to try to) understand and empathise with people whose position and life experience is different form his own.

If he has things he keeps form his parents though, that does give you an angle. Not to humiliate or blackmail him but to explain how it feels when he betrays your trust.

I'd add that IME there are different types of 'living their lives openly' people. A subset of those are people who live very much in their own present, with little interest in the past, or awareness that others' perspectives and experiences might be different from theirs. People who just assume their own knowledge and view of things is the knowledge and view of things, so struggle to identify the difference between a 'secret' and anything else they and others already know. People who, while often intelligent in other ways, show low emotional and social intelligence and can be incredibly tactless.

But if your DH can keep his own secrets, he does have some awareness and nuance. It does sound as though he's using your stories to make himself sound more interesting than he is.

Wow, talk about hostile.

I was in no way demanding anything. I asked a question. Do yo you think questions are demands? (To confirm: that was a question, not a demand)

You asked a rude & intrusive question, you didn't get the juicy info you wanted, so you ignored OP's wish that her secrets remain her own, & asked again.
That, @Keyansier, is demanding.

Ok well clearly you want to be "loud" on this thread, so i'll leave you to it

Ok well clearly you want to be "loud" on this thread, so i'll leave you to it
Oh nice try @Keyansier
I'm not loud enough to be so crass as to immediately - on a thread which is ALL about privacy - pounce on the OP demanding that she breaks privacy to satisfy my prurience.

I've just id a detailed discussion with DH about this and I've basically come to the conclusion that from now on I cannot tell him anything I don't want shared and will have to now keep my own secrets.

That's the only way forward because I cannot trust him to not share things I don't want him to.

He also said alcohol impairs his judgement and means he says things he wouldn't have sober.

I guess I understand this to an extent but equally not fully because he still manages to keep his own secrets as another poster pointed out.

Quite. There are posters on this thread with as little respect for OP as her husband has.

And that’s the thing OP. There’s no sugar coating this. He does it as he doesn’t respect you.

Totally agree with this.

Did you tell him in that talk that if he shares anything of yours again you will no longer keep his secrets from his parents? (And pick on an example?)

If it's good for the goose...

Ive been in a marriage where I couldn’t trust my husband, in my case because he lied all the time. Id tried to over look it for years because I convinced myself that it was only small lies about small things and maybe I was too sensitive.

But guess what? It turned out to be big lies about big things.And the lack of trust undermined everything.

I suspect this is the beginning of the end for your marriage. Sorry.

My husband does this. Sadly I don't tell him anything important as I'm sick of him pretending that he didn't realise it was private.

That's so sad. I know I don't know you, but I do know you deserve better than a partner you can't trust to respect your boundaries.

My DH does this too. I am intensely private and he’s just oblivious. It’s not the end of your marriage - just share less with him. Yes it’s not perfect but all relationships have less than perfect aspects, but with regard to your old job (major breach of trust) you need to tell him that it is hurtful and not his to share and that you will leave him if he does it again.

Thanks @Dustybarn that's kind of what I've decided since posting this you are spot on, I don't think it's enough to leave him because no one is perfect but I am now forced to a position of just not sharing anything I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

It's not perfect but as you point out - what relationship is? There could be much worse things and I don't have many complaints about him outside of this

How does he manage to keep his own secrets when he is drunk then? That's shit, that he is happy to spill your information but can keep his to himself. So clearly he does have control over it.

Is that the end of it as far as he is concerned then? 'That's what happens when I drink' is a shit excuse and he will take no responsibility. Has he not even said how he will work to make sure it doesn't happen again? Is he even actually sorry, as from what you've said it doesnt sound like it.

I'd be tempted to tell his parents too actually, sometimes people only realise the gravitas of a situation if they have it done to them.

How is it going to work when you have a medical issue when you're older that you don't want people to know about? Are you not going to be able to get any support from your own partner because you can't tell him?

It's your decision OP, but there will be issues you face which you won't be able to hide from your DH, and that you won't want sharing.

I have various gut issues which cause me a lot of problems I an unable to hide from my DH and I am embarrassed by. Luckily I can trust him with those aspects of my life. If I couldn't, I'd be screwed because tou can't always hide these things (not even focus sion on the fact you shouldn't have to!).

It might not always be "containable" by simply not sharing things with your DH is all I'm saying, so I guess you need to know how you will handle that type of development...