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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure whether I’m being unreasonable…

45 replies

RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 12:57

My DH left his job last year due to mental health issues. He’s subsequently set up his own business and was just about managing to meet his financial obligations then he had a setback and decided to go back to a job. It’s not really working for his health or our childcare arrangements but to go back self employed, he needs a vehicle. Coincidentally my car has come to the end of its lease so we will need to get another vehicle anyway and have one on order but that can be cancelled. Today he’s asked me to take out quite a sizeable loan to cover the cost of the vehicle which he said he will repay. I’d also need to take on the repayments for his car and take that as mine which I am prepared to do as I need a car anyway and I want to help, but the loan is bothering me. He’s changed his mind several times in the past year around what he’s doing for work, he has some ideas which I think are a bit delusional and I’m worried if he changes his mind again I’ll be stuck repaying a big loan to have a vehicle that I won’t be able to or want to drive (big van). He does always pay his way but it’s a struggle for him sometimes and he seems not to worry, yet I am worried to death especially in the current climate. I have a stable job with a decent income but we are a family of 5 and it’ll only stretch so far. I’ve said how I feel and now he says I’m being unreasonable and unsupportive, am I?

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 23/10/2022 12:59

Nope, not unreasonable. Can the loan be in his name, or at least joint names? It sounds like you're taking all the risk for something that might not necessarily work out...

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 13:03

Is the sizeable loan for a new van? Can he find a half decent second hand one?
Could you afford the loan repayments and household bills if his mental health takes another dive?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/10/2022 13:05

Don't do it. It'll mean you're paying for a vehicle you won't use and he'll probably have sitting outside the house whilst he's not working.

Original poster
RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:06

I think he’d struggle to get a loan of this size, he’s had lots of financial issues in the past so I’m not sure his credit score will be very good.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 23/10/2022 13:08

Do not do anything that puts your current finances at risk. If you’re keeping your head above water, stay that way, don’t risk going under.

Original poster
RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:08

It is second hand but quite a high spec, I asked could he look for something cheaper but he threw his toys out.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 23/10/2022 13:09

Don't do it. He can buy a cheap second-hand vehicle - he'll have to take a second job to save up if necessary.

Knulp · 23/10/2022 13:09

I do 1000 miles a week on a £2500 van, and all commercial vehicles are holding decent value at the moment, so depreciation is not an issue, buy a low mileage well maintained van, see how it goes, and if it all works out he can upgrade it once his has stuck with it for a while. It's fair to give him a hand, but all depends what sort of figure he is talking about.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2022 13:10

RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:08

It is second hand but quite a high spec, I asked could he look for something cheaper but he threw his toys out.

Don't give in to that. He's asking you to pay so should only get what he needs. He can't afford what he wants.

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/10/2022 13:10

RemindMeAgain · Today 13:06
I think he’d struggle to get a loan of this size, he’s had lots of financial issues in the past so I’m not sure his credit score will be very good.“

In which case no. He’ll have to rethink/retrain. You absolutely should not take on the responsibility yourself.

Upsidedownagain · 23/10/2022 13:11

There's a phrase that used to be around about when I was a kid that I often think can be useful......"when in doubt, don't "

KangarooKenny · 23/10/2022 13:11

Stand your ground, he’s already shown himself to be flighty.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 23/10/2022 13:11

He can manage with a cheap 2nd hand van for a while. Look through autotrader & decide on a realistic budget (maybe 2 or 3K rather than 10k+). If & when things are up and running & going well, then he can have a better van that his business can pay for.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 13:14

I asked could he look for something cheaper but he threw his toys out.

Well, that tells you all you need to know. He's terrible with money, wants you to finance a nice posh car, when all he needs is a runaround for him to get a JOB. Selfish twat. I'd be reconsidering a lot more than just the car.

I think this winter will be really tough financially anyway, so don't put yourself at more risk than you have to. Old sulky pants can buy a second hand car outright for under £500. You don't have to lease one. As long as the MOT is alright, he'll be fine.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2022 13:14

PS: My car is 18 years old and sailed through the MOT last month. It's not great to look at but has never let me down.

Original poster
RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:15

Yes @CoffeeBeansGalore that’s what I think makes sense. He’d also take pressure off himself having to repay big amounts every month.

I think I’ll cancel the car I was supposed to be getting and just suggest he does get a van but something much cheaper.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/10/2022 13:19

RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:08

It is second hand but quite a high spec, I asked could he look for something cheaper but he threw his toys out.

He'll have to catch the bus to fucking work until he's made enough to buy one outright, then. Preferably from his new bedsit because you've told him to sling his hook.

Seriously, this should be a dealbreaker for you - he's not just demanding that you are financially responsible for a vehicle you'll not see the benefit of, he's demanding a more expensive one because he thinks it's his right. You'll not see a penny of the van money from him.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/10/2022 13:20

RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 13:08

It is second hand but quite a high spec, I asked could he look for something cheaper but he threw his toys out.

So he's financially flaky, has already failed at self-employment, & thinks that bullying you into buying him an expensive van that he cannot guarantee to pay for is ok?

I don;t think he has the kind of attitude that self-employment needs OP.
Why can he not just get another job?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/10/2022 13:24

Well, that tells you all you need to know. He's terrible with money, wants you to finance a nice posh car, when all he needs is a runaround for him to get a JOB. Selfish twat. I'd be reconsidering a lot more than just the car.

This

Also as a rule of thumb, never borrow money for someone else’s purposes. Also never give money to someone who strops when you say no.

EndlessMagpies · 23/10/2022 13:40

The loan needs to be in his name for it to be part of his business expenses.

Aside from that, he needs to lower his sights and get something far cheaper that will still enable him to do the job. Beggars can't be choosers, you need to cut your coat according to your cloth and all that.

WindyHedges · 23/10/2022 14:09

He should look at something his business plan can support now. Then if he does well, he can upgrade.

His bad health might have been caused by working, but maintaining your good health is absolutely crucial as you are the breadwinner.

Your concerns should be paramount.

Original poster
RemindMeAgain · 23/10/2022 15:38

WindyHedges · 23/10/2022 14:09

He should look at something his business plan can support now. Then if he does well, he can upgrade.

His bad health might have been caused by working, but maintaining your good health is absolutely crucial as you are the breadwinner.

Your concerns should be paramount.

I know you’re right, my concerns should be paramount, but now he’s in a strop and I’m either getting the silent treatment or all the reasons why it’s the best idea to get this expensive van.

I’m so tired of the whole struggle while he gets his head together, I’ve not been well myself but have managed to keep working, it’s really taking its toll and I’m wondering if there is really a way through this, the van is just the latest thing.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 23/10/2022 16:03

Don't do it; you'll have all the pressures you have now plus a huge loan.

ICanHideButICantRun · 23/10/2022 16:06

No way. He's being completely unreasonable.

RealBecca · 23/10/2022 16:12

Hes struggling and bot making the best decisions so your obligation here is to be the steady rock that makes the decision with your head. Not to help him throw money at his next perceived solution.

Theres a reason his jobs and finance isnt working out. Dont get pulled in.