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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Exhausted

36 replies

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 09:06

DC has been unwell for three days with a throat infection. Sought medical attention and just been giving TLC at home. Nights have been very unsettled and I have seen sleeping beside DC as he vomited on Friday evening and is uncomfortable sleeping at the minute. All in all the weekend has been exhausting but that’s what happens when a child is ooorly. Yesterday morning, I got up with DC, did all the chores, saw to the pets and my son. My husband had a lie in then later that day went to the gym. I wasn’t bothered as I was happy to stay at home with Dc.
This morning, DC gets up at eight and shoes downstairs with husband. I think I might get a longer lie in but no, my husband comes up twenty minutes later and says I’ve arranged to play golf with such and such at nine - I can cancel it though. AIBU to think he should have done just that without putting it on me. Of course, I said no, got out of bed and just feel exhausted. He’s now away for five hours and He does this a lot.

OP posts:

Poppyblush · 23/10/2022 09:43

Why did you say he could go play golf? You’re enabling his shit behaviour.

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 10:45

Because if he doesn’t go, he will be grumpy and tetchy for the rest of the day.

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 23/10/2022 10:47

Of course, I said no, got out of bed and just feel exhausted. He’s now away for five hours and He does this a lot.

Why wouldn’t he when you make it seem like looking after his own children isn’t his job and it’s absolutely no problem for him to swan off on a Sunday morning for golf given he didn’t chip in very much on Saturday?

Stop with the ‘no no, don’t cancel, it’s fine just go I’ll get up’ BS if you don’t mean it.
It’s not helping anyone.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/10/2022 10:50

Are you me?! I am a bit of a golf widow myself.

The slight difference is that now, I’m not such a pushover (no offence but you are letting him get away with it) and I make sure he pulls his weight when he is here. It’s a complete about-turn as before, I completely martyred myself. Has been a big shock for him. 🤨

It’s not bloody good enough to leave you to pick up the slack at home, all the time.

Topgub · 23/10/2022 10:52

I put yabu because you've only got yourself to blame.

Stop being such a door mat.

Mollyplop999 · 23/10/2022 10:53

He's tetchy because he knows that by behaving like thus you'll encourage him to go. It's hard but you need to toughen up

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:10

Thanks everyone. Yes, enabling perhaps.

OP posts:

Topgub · 23/10/2022 11:12

Not perhaps

100% are

Darbs76 · 23/10/2022 11:14

He knew he was going clearly so should have got up Saturday and allowed you to have a lie in. Next weekend check his plans, make sure he does more on the day he is there if he’s playing golf.

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:14

I have been told that I have to bite my tongue sometimes so it’s hard to get out of that mindset.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2022 11:15

Who told you that?! If he’s DS’s dad he’s a selfish prick. You should have told him to bugger off and had your lie in.

Topgub · 23/10/2022 11:16

Told by who?

freeandfierce · 23/10/2022 11:16

When he gets back tell him you're going for a long, uninterrupted bath followed by a lie down/book. You'd like a cup of tea bringing up and he can crack on with preparing dinner for you all. He owes you 5 hours.

Notimeforaname · 23/10/2022 11:18

He offered to stay. You said no. Its was your choice to stay hone alone with child and be more exhausted.

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 11:27

If you said he could go, then are peeved with him, then that's not okay, in the same light that if you told him he had to stay, and he is pissed all day, that is not okay and you tell him so.

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:28

He didn’t offer to stay - he came and woke me up to say that he has booked golf but he could cancel it… I took the premise that he wouldn’t have woken me if he really wanted to help.
my husband has told me to bite my tongue.

OP posts:

Topgub · 23/10/2022 11:30

Your husband has told you to bite your tongue?

So your husband has told you to not complain about him walking all over you so you agree and dont complain about him walking all over you?

Wtf?

luxxlisbon · 23/10/2022 11:33

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:28

Are you aware it’s not normal for a husband to tell his wife to ‘bite her tongue’ with regards to him not parenting his own children enough?
And it’s certainly not acceptable either.

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:36

I'm aware but stuck sadly.

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 23/10/2022 11:38

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:36

I'm aware but stuck sadly.

Why?
Your husband is taking the piss out of you, you’re exhausted because your husband is a shitbag who puts himself above you and his family at every opportunity.

Greenfinch7 · 23/10/2022 11:38

You shouldn't have to be his conscience for him. It is not right to blame you for this. I understand why you don't feel he should have come and asked you; he should have known it was the wrong thing to go out, without putting the responsibility for that choice on you. Talk to him later about it. See if he is capable of understanding that you need him to be responsible for his own decisions and to make the right choices himself.

oobeedoobee · 23/10/2022 11:41

OP, you simply need to decide whether it's more important to you to be 'thought well of' by your own husband, or to be 'treated well by' your own husband ?

Is it more important to you to be treated 'well' and 'respected' , because you deserve to be treated so?
Or to be 'thought well of', but 'treated abysmally' , because that's all you're actually worth?

mansviewpoint · 23/10/2022 11:45

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:28

This unfortunately just prooves that you are subserviant to him (in his eyes) and so unless you want to continue the relationship in the manner it is, you need to either change the relationship or end the relationship. Why would someone who has everything given to them on a plate be aware of your feelings when you are only noticed when it's causing him problems or if he wants something from you?

Topgub · 23/10/2022 11:48

How are you stuck?

Original poster

Dancingflow · 23/10/2022 11:51

Because of children. Also, he has had affairs plural and I have taken him back so feel like it’s my responsibility to make it work. This ironically is supposed to be a reconciliation period at present.

OP posts:

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