Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't let me know

50 replies

Graffy · 22/10/2022 16:00

Sort of lighthearted as this isn't a big issue in any way but I want to know if IABU.

So we both work shifts, but on Saturdays I have a day off while DH works a 10 hour shift.

I admit I LOVE this day in the house to myself!! I clean, do chores, put what I want on the radio, go to the gym, have a long shower at home after and I sort of plan my day around when he comes home (dinner sorted, nice bottle of wine etc).

DH always phones if he's going to be late, but lately his Saturday shifts have been finishing early - he doesn't text/phone, but just turns up like 3 hours earlier than expected.

Which of course he's completely entitled to do! And I'm happy to see him. But it totally messes with my vibe at home! I feel like if he let me know he was on his way, I could adapt 😂

Am I ridiculous?

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 22/10/2022 16:04

I wouldn’t expect to have to give my spouse a heads up if I wanted to come home to my own house to be honest.

Original poster
Graffy · 22/10/2022 16:07

Maybe I need to carry on with my (awful) karaoke while cleaning the house whether he's here or not! 😆 though he'd probably regret being back early...

OP posts:
Notepadfrog · 22/10/2022 16:10

I would let my OH know if I was going to be 3 hours early.

theemmadilemma · 22/10/2022 16:10

I hear you OP.

I've learnt I'm not great with shifting plans, especially if I've planned out my time. It's about rather than anything else, but yes, it's annoying if I'm not aware.

Sadly that's my thing so I sort of have to suck it up.

Original poster
Graffy · 22/10/2022 16:19

@theemmadilemma I'm glad it's not just me!

It's exactly that- I've loosely planned things out and feel a bit out of sorts.

And when DH comes home he likes to have a big download of his day so whatever I'm doing is sidelined while I listen and make interested sounds. But this is definitely a me-problem!!

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/10/2022 16:23

I fucking LOVE days to myself at home. DH works 4 days a week, and I work from home. So I don't have ALL that time to myself as I am working, but I have afternoons off sometimes AND full days. I went to a lovely place of natural beauty the other week on my own. 100 mile round trip, while he was at work, all by myself, and I loved it. Grin He still doesn't know I went! He'd be offended at being 'left out.' Sad

I do like days and evenings to myself though. And I have to admit, I didn't like him being at home a lot during covid/furlough. I KNOW some people will say 'it's his house too!' But IMO, a man should be at work, and out of the house, (more than he is IN it...) not sitting there on his arse, hogging the remote control, stuffing his face, and doing fuck-all.

Out with your mates, or to work. OUT I SAY! Grin

No idea how I will cope when he retires. Probably get a bigger shed and stick him in there! 😂

Seriously, I know many women - when/if they are being honest will admit they hate their DH being in the house when he shouldn't be (in their eyes/opinion.) And SOME women suffer depression when their husband retires, and he's just there ALL DAY. Some men - not all - do nothing when they retire, and just hang around like stale farts, following their wife around all day. No wonder many women can't stand them being at home a lot! Trouble is, with many men, when they're not working, they do fuck-all else, and just hang around you.

disclaimer I do like being with DH SOMETIMES of course, and we do do stuff together/go on trips together, but being together all the time, and him being in the house all the time, is not natural or healthy. Some men struggle to occupy themselves when they are not working.

The 5-6 months DH was off work through lockdown, he was worse than a fucking toddler! Would never EVER go out without me, followed me around like a sheep, and kept asking questions.. whatcha doin? Where ya goin? Are ya busy? YES I AM! I AM FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

I worked from home all through the covid shit! 3 days a week, and fuck me he got underfoot! Maybe when I am not working (when we retire,) I will be more tolerant, and we can find joint hobbies, and he can find a couple on his own.

Ooooh that was a good rant. I feel better now. Grin

EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 16:28

I hear you Grin

A few years ago, dc went on a residential course for a week during the school summer holidays, and DH decided to visit his brother in a picturesque part of the country ideal for walkers etc. He likes walking and I don't, so I sent him off and settled down to have a week at home on my own. It was bliss.

He missed me, and came back home after three days. I was gutted!

Original poster
Graffy · 22/10/2022 16:28

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps every single word of your post, I resonate with!

We're currently in a tiny house too, which doesn't help. Moving very soon and I really hope the space will be a big positive...

OP posts:
KimmySchmitt · 22/10/2022 16:29

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps But IMO, a man should be at work, and out of the house, (more than he is IN it...)

Wtf? So it's okay for you to get the house to yourself but a man can't enjoy his own home..?

OP I vote YANBU. It's not about asking permission, or even about him being in the house. It's about communication. If my plans change I automatically inform DP. He doesn't do the same the other way round and it does throw me off. It's not a big deal but it is annoying!

Brigante9 · 22/10/2022 16:29

I’d text to say I was on my way home.

aloris · 22/10/2022 16:33

Think of something nice you can do together if he gets home early, like a plate of cookies and cocoa. Alittle treat will help you feel less frustrated about your activities being interrupted while he downloads his day. Then tell him to call or text you his ETA if he's going to be "early" so you can get the cocoa and cookies ready. That way you will have a little warning if he's going to get home early.

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 22/10/2022 16:34

But IMO, a man should be at work, and out of the house, (more than he is IN it...) not sitting there on his arse, hogging the remote control, stuffing his face, and doing fuck-all.
Fucking yikes

Windtunnel · 22/10/2022 16:36

I might text but if it made no difference to DH e.g if he was in the home office or whatever I'd not.
I've had DH wfh for years i work in the office 4 says pw.

I've learned some avoidance tactics, could you have one of those in reserve in case he comes home? These include:

  • urgent laundry upstairs when it's unlikely he would be there. Or downstairs if he is there.
  • hoovering if he starts following you around
  • popping out for a food item
  • asking him to help
  • asking him to do specific chore which takes him away a bit e.g putting clothes away upstairs, getting in some firewood
  • doing an Internet food shop, asking him if he needs anything but drifting off to another room to do it
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/10/2022 16:44

Graffy · 22/10/2022 16:28

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps every single word of your post, I resonate with!

We're currently in a tiny house too, which doesn't help. Moving very soon and I really hope the space will be a big positive...

Yep! Grin

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/10/2022 16:45

We would each text the other but because we'd be happy to be heading home to the other or because it opens up the option of doing something together that evening.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 22/10/2022 16:51

Have you told him? Said that you're used to having the day to yourself and it would really help you to relax and plan your day if you know when he's coming back. I'd be really pissed off with this. And with the big download too. Can you tell him to stop that too!? It doesn't sound like he's considering your needs.

Ohhhhladz · 22/10/2022 16:51

YANBU to want him to, but HINBU if he just hasn't thought of it. Have you asked him if he can please text in these cases? It's a small effort on his part, but I can completely understand him thinking that unlike his being late, his being early doesn't impact you. Maybe he even considers his coming home early a pleasant surprise for you?

If you tell him this part I sort of plan my day around when he comes home (dinner sorted, nice bottle of wine etc) and that you like to be there when he gets home and hear about his day (the "massive download" you mentioned!) I'd think he'd understand. Also if he has a little unexpected free time and is out and heading home, it's nice (not required, of course) for him to just check and see if you'd like him to pick up anything on the way.

FivePotatoesHigh · 22/10/2022 16:53

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but I’d feel the same as you.

I sometimes don’t love it when DH comes home unexpectedly early just because I think I’ve still got more time alone

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2022 16:54

The dirty bastard. Change the locks.

SirMoose · 22/10/2022 16:57

My husband is changing jobs soon so he will be home in the evenings which I’m so excited for as we NEVER see each other for longer than half an hour a day at the minute. But part of my is going to miss lazing about, binge eating crisps and just being alone.

ParsnipsAndPies · 22/10/2022 16:59

Difficult to judge as neither of you are being unreasonable, but I understand your feeling of deflation when he comes home earl. My husband was supposed to play golf today. Great, I thought, day to myself. Then his mate cancelled this morning and DH said, "oh we've got a free day together now" yeah, great.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2022 17:00

But IMO, a man should be at work, and out of the house, (more than he is IN it...)

This - and the fact many women feel like this - sounds like we are all very unreasonable as a group. But do you think it is tue fact that men, even subconsciously, often tend to dominate a space when they are in it? Just with little behaviours as well as their size?

Men never seem to want women “out of the house” in the same way, or seem to crave being home alone as much. Maybe they can relax when we are there in ways that don’t work in reverse?

Just asking. I am single btw so my house is all mine (although I have children - 13 and 8, but that’s not the same. 13 yo is a girl)

luxxlisbon · 22/10/2022 17:07

Guaranteed if this was a man saying he didn’t want his wife coming home early without texting him and giving him notice of plans changing it would be ‘he’s cheating!’ ‘What is he hiding if he doesn’t want you in your own home?’ ‘Sneaky behaviour!’ but apparently men should always be out at work by default and only women should be at home 😂
Nuts.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/10/2022 17:18

luxxlisbon · 22/10/2022 17:07

Guaranteed if this was a man saying he didn’t want his wife coming home early without texting him and giving him notice of plans changing it would be ‘he’s cheating!’ ‘What is he hiding if he doesn’t want you in your own home?’ ‘Sneaky behaviour!’ but apparently men should always be out at work by default and only women should be at home 😂
Nuts.

In your opinion it's nuts.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/10/2022 17:18

FivePotatoesHigh · 22/10/2022 16:53

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but I’d feel the same as you.

I sometimes don’t love it when DH comes home unexpectedly early just because I think I’ve still got more time alone

Agree.