DH doesn't let me know

[Graffy]

Sort of lighthearted as this isn't a big issue in any way but I want to know if IABU.

So we both work shifts, but on Saturdays I have a day off while DH works a 10 hour shift.

I admit I LOVE this day in the house to myself!! I clean, do chores, put what I want on the radio, go to the gym, have a long shower at home after and I sort of plan my day around when he comes home (dinner sorted, nice bottle of wine etc).

DH always phones if he's going to be late, but lately his Saturday shifts have been finishing early - he doesn't text/phone, but just turns up like 3 hours earlier than expected.

Which of course he's completely entitled to do! And I'm happy to see him. But it totally messes with my vibe at home! I feel like if he let me know he was on his way, I could adapt 😂

Am I ridiculous?

Yeah this. It's just not normal for men to be around the house all day. Not in my world. I don't care what ANYone says about 'oooh what if men didn't want their woman around?' because as you say, men don't think like this.

My DH loves me being around when he is home, and gets proper sniffy if I DARE to want to do stuff alone, without him! I want - and NEED more alone time (without him here,) a lot more than HE needs alone time without me.

I do not know why!

As you say, I think men dominate the home and what's going on in it more than women do. They are louder, and their presence is more obvious, and things often revolve around them. Even when we were younger, if DH came home from work, or got up in the morning in a mood, he made sure me and our daughter knew he was in a mood, and the whole household suffered. The atmosphere was toxic, his face was gaunt and grim and he just scowled at us, and we felt like we were walking on egg shells.

I NEVER caused the same if I was a bit low/in a bit of a mood. I cracked on and looked after my family and home. DH would just sit in his chair, arms folded, and with a face like a slapped arse. So even then, the house was dominated by him. Me and DD loved it when we were alone together and he was at work. Obviously he wasn't like this ALL the time, but he was like this more than me, (I never was actually!!!) BTW, he has not been like this for 15 years or so. I think he has grown out of it now. Thank fuck.

Also, though, I can't watch fuck-all of my own when DH is there, because he just constantly chats through it and keeps asking questions. Drives me nuts.

Watching stuff we BOTH like is fine, but I can NOT watch 'my stuff' with him in the house. Even reading, writing, doing jigsaws etc can be a challenge, unless he is actually doing something himself (which is only about 20% of the time tbh.)

When I was working from home, 3 days a week, he drove me fucking BATSHIT when he was off work because of lockdown. Following me around, asking questions, mithering me, asking 'what's for tea, whatcha doin?' yada yada yada! I counted the seconds til he was back at work. He has had 2-3 months off 4 or 5 times in the past 10 years due to illness/ routine surgeries, and he has driven me batshit then too. Him being them sometimes/a normal amount of time is fine, normal, healthy. Being stuck here 24/7. NO. Just NO.

I am entitled to my opinion, and to own my own feelings. I really don't care what anyone says or thinks.

Ooooh that was a good rant. I feel better now.

it was an excellent rant, @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

I sympathise - both with you and OP.

If I achieve Empty House Nirvana for a few precious hours and then DH and DC arrive back sooner than expected, I’m absolutely gutted. Obviously I try not to show it, but having your expectations thwarted is shit. I also never miss my DH when he’s away, whereas he can’t stand being alone in the house really. He even said to me the other day - whilst disturbing my hard-won peace alone in bedroom and clearly picking up on my unenthusiastic response at him joining me - “It would just be nice if you’d seek me out sometimes.” Poor love. I still sent him away!

OP, just ask him to text if he’s leaving early. Obviously don’t tell him it’s cos you wish he wasn’t! Just ask him to text so you know.

Oh I hate it when men insist on playing the returning king when they get home and expect you to drop everything to give them all your attention.

Next time he swans in early expecting to be centre stage, just say " sorry DH, I had you timetabled in for 6pm, I have another appointment right now."

I would be the same. If I have a day at home alone I have a split of getting jobs done and chilling out, so if he was going to be early I would rush through the jobs so I could still have a nap 😂

I'd tell him what you've posted here. His needs are not more important than yours.

They are louder, and their presence is more obvious, and things often revolve around them

YES! If I could just put DH on mute while I give audience to his download, I would. I'd nod and make the right noises, because he doesn't want/need my genuine input. It is draining!

And completey sympathise with the 'what ya doing' husband - mine is the same.

What we doing today?
What you up to?
What's that?
What are we watching/eating/doing?

It's amazing to have a laid back husband happy to go with whatever, but his interests are basically 1) work 2) me. I'm envious when posters tell us about their DH's with mysterious hobbies - I'd LOVE more house-empty time...

My Saturdays are very precious, cooking while I watch RuPaul's Drag Race or Married at First Sight with zero judgement!

He sounds like a little boy and you his mummy. Can you give him some direct instructions - text when you're coming home, don't use you as an audience to his monologues etc etc. Your needs are important, he doesn't take precedence over you.

I feel you op, 100%. I NEED my own space sometimes and hate being unexpectedly interrupted.

DH has a really annoying habit of saying he'll be working away for a couple of days and then cancelling at the very last minute. It drives me to my last nerve. He was supposed to be away this weekend but casually mentioned last night that he wasn't going anymore. I actually could have cried. I love him but I'd planned my lovely me time weekend and now he's here. All the time.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps you know none of that is normal, right?

DH is pretty laidback and quiet apart from wandering around loudly eating crisps so I am being a bit U when I secretly resent him coming home early.

This however I 100% identify with!

@NoSquirrels @OnGoldenPond @senior30 @Graffy @elephantseal @Twinstudy

Aaaahhh, I have found my people.

I can relate to wanting to go for some peace in the bedroom or garden, and dive deeply into a book, and he comes out and just wants to start TALKING. Jibber jabber fucking jabber jibber. About FUCK ALL. When all I want is my peace and tranquillity and for him to FUCK OFF.

And YES to DH coming in from work, and expecting you to drop everything, while he spends half an hour rattling on and on about his day, blow by blow account, and how everyone at work is wrong except him.

Oh, and when I am cooking dinner, he keeps coming into the kitchen. I stop what I am doing and look at him like 'yes? what? Can I help you???' He says 'oh I am just coming in for a chat...' I don't want to chat - I am BUSY! I feel like saying 'if you want to come into the kitchen, then come in, and YOU do the meal. Otherwise bog off!'

When I tell him to please go because I don't want him hanging around like a fly, he just says 'oh, well I know when I'm not wanted,' with a pathetic kind of look... He has done it too often. It doesn't work anymore. Just get out of my face.

And also, I hate it when we are sitting in the lounge in an evening, and he puts a TV programme on that he wants. Fine I don't mind. so I go on the laptop or start to read, and he keeps jibber jabbering AGAIN all through the programme HE WANTED TO WATCH, with a mixture of chatting shit, and giving me a running commentary of what he's watching.

Ah that felt good AGAIN!

This is a pisstake of one of those ridiculous 1950s “how to be a good wife” guides, right? All you missed out was making sure she puts a ribbon in her hair and greets him with a smile .

No one’s unreasonable but I’d be secretly seething
I would of pleased myself in the morning and cracked on with jobs when he returned

Well I suppose instead you could say, "Oh for heaven's sake, you're home early AGAIN? Go away and don't come back until 7 pm. No I don't care that it's Saturday. It's as if you think this is your house too! Well if you MUST stay, at least stay away from me."

I get it. It's a minor problem, but I get It's your day, OP. I would probably say something like, can yoh give me a text before leaving, perhaps I could order us some food/warm it up for when you get here so we can enjoy our meal together. This way you'll know what time he's coming home without telling him to give you notice as such 😉

And BTW that's far from being a 1950s wife!!! I'm not suggesting you should be welcoming him in an ironed apron with a fresh hot cooked dinner after a hard day of work 😂 I meant getting to know what time he'll be back and doing a quick online order or microwave...if at all! Or simply text him and ask what time he'll be home??

This made me PMSL too. Make sure you warm the husbter's slippers, ask about his day, rub his feet, bake some cookies for him. Be a good wife!!! Stepford style!

I used to love school hols when I was off and DH was in the office. Now we've moved overseas, I work in an office and he works from home. I didn't mind giving up school hols because he's always blooming there! I only get time to myself at home when he's travelling. When I had to work at home for a week, he really struggled with me cramping his style.

The alternative is to read it in the style of Manny from Black Books when he’s reciting from the Little Book of Calm 😂

😂

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps - of, your h does sound annoying!! You need to tell him, or this will get worse and worse and resentment will build up...

We have been together 30 years now, he will never change! I have pulled him up on it many times, but it's just him! I think from what I have read on here that many other women have VERY similar men, so I'm not too worried or bothered!

Also, he is perfectly OK some of the time, and kind and thoughtful and generous, and we do have lots of fun and some things in common, and he has positive traits too. Just that this thread is about ranty moans about our men. SO I put my ranty moans!

Don’t get too excited about hobbies. Mine has developed a plethora of in house hobbies and now the place is full not only of him but of of bits of toys, glue and paint and what have you for the toys, the built toys and tiny bits of stuff that’s the ideal size for choking the baby.

*obviously I’m not allowed to reference all this crap as toys. They’re far too special and important to be toys.

I get it, I've just posted about similar. It would help your routine to know.