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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over protective/controlling parent?

59 replies

Frogsanddogs · 21/10/2022 17:40

I'm wondering about my parenting as my parent friends seem to have very different ideas to me. I had bad post natal anxiety after ds was born and thought my feelings then were perfectly valid, I now know I did some ridiculous things. Now I also feel my feelings are 'right', but can I trust them?

My ds is oldest at 3, all other children range from 1.5-2.5. These are things they are allowed to do, which I don't let my ds.

-Play out of sight in a public space. In the house he's welcome to disappear in his bedroom or living room while I'm pottering about, in a busy public park if I'm sat on a bench I'll move bench/ stand up so I can always see him.

-Ride in the car without a car seat. I'm often told by friends "It's fine, we're only going two minutes down the road" that's only a 5 minute walk. I refuse and walk.

-Walk/run next to a busy road without holding hands. Friends child actually ran into the road the other day and a car had to slam his brakes on, but they still let the child carry on.

-Let a friend of a friend baby sit for ten minutes. Often get something like "Come with me to the shop, Dave will watch them" If I've never met Dave then there's not a chance. Even if you say Dave is fine.

And lastly
-Go further than the garden when he's in bed (alone in house) Happy to sit in the garden and spend some child free time when he's asleep, but going to to the end of the road to meet a friend or going inside nextdoors house, no.

Mumsnets judgement please. Is this the right level of safety for a 3 yr old? Or have I let my anxiety take over again without realising it?

OP posts:
Playdoh42 · 21/10/2022 17:41

None of the things you've mentioned are ok or reasonable, especially the car seat and letting them run in the road.

Sirzy · 21/10/2022 17:41

There is nothing there that strikes me as anything other than sensible parenting.

washingbasketqueen · 21/10/2022 17:43

I wouldn't do anything of those things. I think your concerns are reasonable.

GrazingSheep · 21/10/2022 17:43

Your feelings are correct and yes trust them.
Good job you see what your friends do so you know not to leave your child with them.

Wonderspell · 21/10/2022 17:44

No I wouldn’t do any of those things. I would carry on as you are

Userg1234 · 21/10/2022 17:45

No perfectly reasonable. I think your friend needs a slap for not holding hands of using a car seat

IWishICouldDance · 21/10/2022 17:46

I'm not ott, I have 3 children between 6 and 1 I wouldn't do any of those things with my 6 year old nevermind a 3 year old, well they can walk on the pavement not holding hands they don't bolt obviously. All sounds normal to be honest. They other people sound lax to be honest.

Original poster
Frogsanddogs · 21/10/2022 17:46

Gosh thank you all. That's good to know.
@GrazingSheep yes I also don't let these friends babysit because of these things, but was concerned saying that would come across very judgmental.

OP posts:
Oojamaflipp · 21/10/2022 17:46

I suspect you know full well your feelings are right on this one. If your friends are genuinely doing those things, that's definitely not the norm with anyone I know.

KilmordenCastle · 21/10/2022 17:47

Your friends sound like pretty shitty parents to me tbh.

PuttingDownRoots · 21/10/2022 17:47

Maybe a bit helicoptery at the park
Babysitter would be individual.

Car seats, going out, not holding hands... mot unreasonable!

Basilthymerosemary · 21/10/2022 17:47

Well my parenting style is more like yours OP and would think the other parents are abit more lax. I wouldn't worry- continue parenting as you are x

thejadefish · 21/10/2022 17:52

I'm with you OP I wouldn't allow/do any of those things either and mine is 5!

JustLyra · 21/10/2022 17:53

I wouldn’t do any of those things either.

Walk/run next to a busy road without holding hands. Friends child actually ran into the road the other day and a car had to slam his brakes on, but they still let the child carry on.

Though with this one they’d have a backpack with reins or simple reins rather than holding hands.

Holding their arm up to hold hands gets very uncomfortable (it wasn’t something I thought of until someone suggested we put our hand up as if holding tbt hand of someone tall on a training course) and makes them more likely to object/kick off/try and pull away. Much more comfortable and just as safe to have them on reins imo.

superplumb · 21/10/2022 17:53

I agree with you op. I would not do any of those thing either.

LadyDanburysHat · 21/10/2022 17:55

I am about as lax and laid back as you can get, but all of those things are bad. The only exception is the park. If it is a fenced in playpark I would be happy to be less vigilant.

Glitterspy · 21/10/2022 17:57

I think you need to get some better parent friends OP!

pointythings · 21/10/2022 17:58

I'm as laid back as anything and wouldn't have done any differently with my two at that very young age. As long as you adapt the rules as they get older and more sensible, you're doing fine. Your friends sound bonkers and going in a car without using a car seat is just criminally negligent.

ClairyFlare · 21/10/2022 17:59

I think it’s 50/50

but you’re asking on protective parents central so you’ll of course be deemed wholly reasonable on here

Concernednan456 · 21/10/2022 18:01

I’m the epitome of the relaxed parent , 20 years on the job in fact! and mine always were encouraged to be independent and take risks . I recently discovered my parenting style was very like the Scandinavian model and mine always seemed to be the youngest allowed to swim / climb / go into shops independently and use tools and cook etc
I would still have done none of the things you describe as they sound neglectful .
At 3 years old they should never be in the house alone , even asleep. And car seats and road safety are level 1 of caring for children.
your friends sound foolish at best .

DowntonCrabby · 21/10/2022 18:01

I’m hugely laid back as a parent and would be ok with literally zero of those examples.

I’d suggest you’re not overprotective at all but that they are neglectful!

Echobelly · 21/10/2022 18:01

Those are all totally fine - I'm into 'free-range parenting' but all those things would be considered common sense child safety.

I'll admit, I'd probably be OK with friend-of-a-friend babysitting if the friend vouchers for then, especially if babysitter is female, but I get people have different levels of comfort with that.

Krustykrabpizza · 21/10/2022 18:01

Your friends sound like pretty shocking parents tbh. Especially the road thing. DD ran out and a car had to brake once when she was 1 and a half and I'm still traumatised by it now, three years later.

FlounderingFruitcake · 21/10/2022 18:02

I’d be less vigilant in a fenced in playground where I had a good view of the only exit and wouldn’t follow mine around every single piece of equipment and would be ok if they were out of sight for a bit e.g. those higher slides where they climb inside. And I take black cabs fairly often so kids stay in the pram, and don’t need a car seat. Oh and older 3YO so nearly 4, I would allow walking sensibly next to me and holding hands just to cross the street.

But you sound normal, friend sounds neglectful.

hassletassle · 21/10/2022 18:03

Agree with you on all of the points op. Your friends sound negligent.