Am I over protective/controlling parent?

[Frogsanddogs]

I'm wondering about my parenting as my parent friends seem to have very different ideas to me. I had bad post natal anxiety after ds was born and thought my feelings then were perfectly valid, I now know I did some ridiculous things. Now I also feel my feelings are 'right', but can I trust them?

My ds is oldest at 3, all other children range from 1.5-2.5. These are things they are allowed to do, which I don't let my ds.

-Play out of sight in a public space. In the house he's welcome to disappear in his bedroom or living room while I'm pottering about, in a busy public park if I'm sat on a bench I'll move bench/ stand up so I can always see him.

-Ride in the car without a car seat. I'm often told by friends "It's fine, we're only going two minutes down the road" that's only a 5 minute walk. I refuse and walk.

-Walk/run next to a busy road without holding hands. Friends child actually ran into the road the other day and a car had to slam his brakes on, but they still let the child carry on.

-Let a friend of a friend baby sit for ten minutes. Often get something like "Come with me to the shop, Dave will watch them" If I've never met Dave then there's not a chance. Even if you say Dave is fine.

And lastly
-Go further than the garden when he's in bed (alone in house) Happy to sit in the garden and spend some child free time when he's asleep, but going to to the end of the road to meet a friend or going inside nextdoors house, no.

Mumsnets judgement please. Is this the right level of safety for a 3 yr old? Or have I let my anxiety take over again without realising it?

I wouldn't do any of those things. I'm not super over protective - my youngest is two and Iet her play in her room by herself and will hang out a wash in the garden if she's asleep or whatever, but I would t do any of the things you have mentioned. I don't think anyone I'm friends with would either.

One thing, I have three kids and the eldest is 7. We have a 7 seater car but also a small runaround thing that I mainly use for work. It's a rare day that I have all three of my kids in the car but when I do, the eldest has to go in the front (in the appropriate car seat). I felt quite bad about that. Then I realised that quite a lot of people I see on the school run have kids of that age with no car seat at all. My SIL also lets her two year old take her arms out of the car seat and just leaves her like that. She lets them wear coats in the cat seats and things, which most people know not to do.

It's one area you mention that people do seem lax about, except on here, but the other stuff? I don't think anyone I know does those things.

You must be on a wind up. No one in their right mind is going to tell you that any of that is ok. Who are these people that you know of that are doing this?

Ok so it's just one friend. And that's reason enough to question sensible parenting 🙄

Your friends are neglectful and they'll be lucky if their children make it to 5.

I agree with you OP, and think your friends sound like pretty shit parents. Surely that’s all just basic keeping a child alive stuff.

On the hand holding, I make DDs 5 and 2 walk alongside me (although I don’t make them hold my hand unless crossing the road) but it drives me insane on the school run when other parents just allow their children of similar ages to just run off. The amount of times I’ve seen one nearly run in the road, or a car pull onto the pavement and the child not notice, there’s bound to be an accident one day.

I think I'm fairly lax on safety at times as a parent but I wouldnt be happy with any of your friends parenting at that age

Are you actually asking is it OK for a stranger to babysit, to let the toddler run into the road and to leave them unattended alone in a house??

That's why I asked if this is a wind up. Surely no one is that stupid to ask this.

You are sensible. They are irresponsible.
Get some new friends otherwise when it comes to a time you leave your child for 'play dates' they will be letting them watch 15 rated films and offering them alcohol at age 8.

You cant possibly think any of these things are remotely normal for a 3 year old, let alone younger. I wouldnt let my 5 year old do any of these.

@Worthyornot As I said in my op, I have struggled with my metal health and anxiety before. I thought I was just as reasonable when I wouldn't let baby ds stay with his dad while I went to the toilet incase he died. I have since got help and believe it's under control. I do believe my parenting is completely normal but when you have multiple friends saying "It's totally fine, we do X all the time!" I had made me question it.

I think it would be "stupid" if I 1) blindly believed my friends and put ds in a dangerous situation. Or 2) believed I was right 100% of the time and never accepted others opinions.

I don't think I'm stupid for checking in on my mental health by getting a range of responses in a place full of parents.

I'm often the one boggling at the over-protectiveness in evidence on MN, but all your examples are entirely reasonable/normal IMO and exactly what I did at that age and older tbh. Actually my youngest is 7 and I don't think I would be comfortable about doing any of those with her (possibly going briefly out of sight at the park would be OK, and walking without holding hands would be OK too but if it's a properly busy road/narrow pavement I still prefer her to hold hands).

I wouldn't do any of the first four ever.

The fifth - I admit I once left a sleeping DS for about five minutes while I sprinted to the corner shop for some calpol.

Every good parent assesses risk. You're risk averse and that's a good thing.

These are all things common sense, so regardless of MH that should be a given. No one needs to confirm whether any of what you listed is ok.

Your feelings are correct, stand by them. If this is the judgement of your friends on car seats, running into road, playing out of sight etc then I certainly would not trust my DC with "Dave" either, because these friends clearly have bad judgement generally.
Oh and my DC are 5 and 3 and I wouldn't be letting them out of sight at a park etc for a while yet. Dc1 is allowed to walk just in front of me on the pavement while I hold dc2s hand but he's a very sensible child and I trust him because we do it every day on the way to school, plus I can see him and probably reach him in necessary. Unfortunately the pavement isn't wide enough for all 3 of us to walk next to each other.

Yep this.
This thread is all about showing off about your superior parenting.

Ye gods.

I am a pretty laid back parent and I would never do any of those things.

Your friends are crazy!

Your friends sound reckless unless all their children are much older.

Everything you're doing right now considering your DC's age is normal, healthy and what a attentive and engaged parent does.

I’ve always been a very relaxed mum and I wouldn’t do any of the things your friends do. I think you’re definitely in the right here.

@Frogsanddogs I also had bad post natal anxiety and my DS is now 3. I still use a baby monitor. May seem extreme to some but I do like to sit in the garden while he sleeps in the summer, he also stays silent if he's sick through the night and it's impossible to hear him do it without the monitor. I also find myself questioning is this normal or my anxiety, you do need to ask others opinions sometimes, you're absolutely right. When I've explained my reasoning for the monitor no one has disagreed. I don't use it every night now either. There's not one thing on your list I'd be comfortable doing and neither would any of my parent friends. It's not anxiety this time but never feel ashamed to check with people you trust. The car seat thing is ridiculous, the only time that would happen is an emergency, rushing to hospital for example with no car seat available, but what you described is sheer laziness and stupidity.
Sounds like you're doing a great job. Ignore these friends of yours.

Thank you @CoffeeLover90 💐

The only one of those I do is walk without holding hands with ds almost 4. It's up to him if he wants to now. He was a bolter as a toddler (walking way before 1) so I used reigns until around 2 I think. He knows to stop way back from the road when we need to cross. He gets told off if he walks/scoots round a corner though.

Some of them I'd be wary of, & mine are over 21! :-)

I don't know anyone who would do any of those things.

Your friends sound like genuinely shitty parents and I am generally pretty relaxed as a parent