Overstayed welcomes & terrible tantrums...

[remymartinn]

Has anyones children's behaviour changed while having family stay?

I have had family visitors since JULY. Since then, my daughters behaviour has become progressively worse to the point she is having tantrums.

Is it attention?

DD who is 4 has just started school, we moved to a new home in April. Dad came to stay in July, sister in August for 4 weeks, then brother in October for 4 weeks. Dad & brother still here.

She doesn't know my dad & brother well at all, they haven't seen her since she was a baby. They try to discipline her but it ends in tears, they try telling me how to discipline her (brother especially, he's like the male version of supernanny). My daughter tells me all the time she doesn't like her uncle, she loves my dad though.

I'm so tired of trying to keep the peace.

Has anyone had any similar issues?

None of this matters to be honest. What matters is your child. How come your dad is homeless? You are completely within your rights to kick him out and I only say that because he is affecting your world, your priority, your life, your daughter. Nothing is more important than her.

Well yeah, there’s two overbearing and opinionated men that she doesn’t know, in her home. I’d fucking kick off about that as well.

When are they (and their unwanted and ignorant) opinions on discipline fucking off home?

As there are only 3 nights until Tuesday, can't they decamp to a B&B until then?

I really would be looking to get them out sooner rather than have them stay until Tuesday.

Sorry - I'd be a wizard if I could count - 4 nights until Tuesday!

their behaviour often deteriorates when they start school, they are very tired. She needs patience and understanding, not some men she doesn’t know very well telling her off

Smile and ask what they are ordering in for dinner for the next couple of nights because you are going to be busy. Take the little one out on your own and have fun. Then tell them your spare rooms won't be available for the foreseeable. Your daughter comes first.

Honestly op, your daughter sounds normal. I, as an adult, would be grumpy and unaccommodating to people staying in my house for long periods of time whom I didn't know. Especially if they told me off all the time.

Actually, thinking about it, they should be treating you to them either cooking or buying in dinner for the 4 remaining nights. You deserve nothing less!!!

Given how you feel no wonder you’re seeing it in her behaviour.

Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can’t trample all over your boundaries & needs.

It sounds like you’ve got caught into facilitating them through no fault of your own but they are taking liberties.

However as is always the case we get caught into letting them.

I would view your poor little girl’s behaviour & feelings as a useful barometer for when things are just way too much.

And as a good prompt to realise that she needs more containment, security & less disruption than this moving forwards.

Whilst it is not bullying per se & this is not meant to offend - I feel for you running ragged being a good mum, daughter, sister, cleaner, cook, carer to your dad - but if you look at it from the outside in - there is a little girl acting out & “misbehaving” at times because she feels all of the things she’s told you & that you too feel - but amplified & from the perspective of a child, where the ability to self regulate & rationalise & soothe is developing.

She’s being asked to be able to behave like an adult & when unable to cope with the disruption in the home any more, is being actively told off & punished by all - & two (especially one unfamiliar) adult male.

That’s not fair on her & your job as a woman & mother is to prevent this scapegoating from happening.

It’s not bullying but it’s not her fault.

But very very common & often why kids “misbehave’. Because of the adults.

Erm... Stressed mum and two invaders guests "disciplining" a child they don't know?? They're the problem, not DD. This is an absolutely ridiculous set up, it was never going to work for a four year old just starting school as well.

I'd also give my brother and my father a good old size 9 boot up the hole if they tried to Supernanny my child. Go the fuck home if you don't like it.

I appreciate all your advice & somewhat harsh truth comments.
I think because they are family I feel obliged to help. On the other hand I have my own little family now (Me & DD) I have had to learn to live independently without the help of my family.
Even when I do express my opinion & feelings, they do seem to do what's best for them, rather than take into account the huge difficulty it may bring.
I remember only one week after my dad arriving, I sat him down & explained he couldn't stay for more than 2 weeks. No effort was made to find alternative accommodation. I think he simply did not want to leave. Then cue my sister, she stayed for a month (that was exhausting for me) she's a big character & i remember getting really depressed & not wanting to be around her. She left, it was easy for a while with just dad, then brother arrived & the entire dynamic changes AGAIN. I made it clear I'd had enough of people staying, & didn't want anymore visitors in September due to school starting.
I had let my sister & dad stay, so couldn't just say no to my brother.

I hadn't really spoken or seen my brother for 2 years, my dad 3. So I held huge resentment when they turned up at my doorstep needing my help.
I wasn't needed when I lived in a small flat, but low and behold as soon as I have a house with a spare room and an attic, their eyes lit up.

I don't even think my sister said thank you.

They are respectful in they do what I say/ask but it's just been so difficult for me & DD when we were so used to our little lives just us. Throw in school & work plus a house move, it's a recipe for a mental breakdown (child included)

Anyway, this time next week we will be alone again, I've promised DD one of our special pizza & popcorn nights we haven't had for months, then a girls day out. She deserves it and I feel terrible for not standing my ground more. It's definitely a lesson learnt.

Well done. That's great.

I feel for you OP - it’s so easy to preach how to be on here - far harder to do in practise.

Enjoy your peace & keep the door closed because I suspect there’ll be future invasions/requests/pleas for help.

Hold on, you hadn't spoken to these people for literally years and you let them all move in because they asked?!
What??

My sil had a friend stay the week my niece started school. Her tantrums were extreme that week and out of the ordinary (though she is tantrumy a lot) Could it be a combination of school and strangers (essentially) in the house?

Your poor daughter.

As for the TV, that would not be happening any longer (or after the first night). Tell dad it needs to be turned to a normal level (or do it yourself) and that if he can't hear it, that he can use the closed caption option.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but brother would have been told the first time he tried to discipline my child that he has to stop, and that any further issues were to be brought to my attention. Had he continued, he'd have been told to leave immediately.

For the next four nights, tell dad and brother that they are responsible for all evening meals, whether that be buying/cooking/cleaning up, or ordering takeaway.