Overstayed welcomes & terrible tantrums...

[remymartinn]

Has anyones children's behaviour changed while having family stay?

I have had family visitors since JULY. Since then, my daughters behaviour has become progressively worse to the point she is having tantrums.

Is it attention?

DD who is 4 has just started school, we moved to a new home in April. Dad came to stay in July, sister in August for 4 weeks, then brother in October for 4 weeks. Dad & brother still here.

She doesn't know my dad & brother well at all, they haven't seen her since she was a baby. They try to discipline her but it ends in tears, they try telling me how to discipline her (brother especially, he's like the male version of supernanny). My daughter tells me all the time she doesn't like her uncle, she loves my dad though.

I'm so tired of trying to keep the peace.

Has anyone had any similar issues?

I'd certainly be asking your brother to go. If your Dad needs your help for medical reasons I'd feel differently about that, but I'd ask him to back off your little girl. Sounds like she's had more than enough.

Can your dad move in with your sister? It's time for somebody else to step up.

She has said she misses just us time. But the other day my dad picked her up from school, she was upset the next day when it was me at the gate and not Grandpa!

They have a strong bond & she loves winding him up & hiding his things. She climbs all over him & cuddles him. This seemed to stop when my brother arrived.

Tell them it’s not working and to leave ASAP.

Your poor daughter is obviously feeling fed up, invaded and her little life has been turned upside down in the past few months.

Her home should be her place of safety. By devoting your energy to your dad and brother it’s taking away from her feeling settled. She’ll be picking up on your mood too plus the massive upheavals of moving house and starting school.

You’ve basically foisted two blokes who she doesn’t know into her life who think they can bollock her for what, it seems, is her natural reaction to this awful situation.

Poor girl. Please tell me she’s not had to give up her room whilst they’ve been staying?

@Stath god no, she has the biggest room in the house. I always make time regardless of how tired I am to spend at least 45 mins - 1 hour putting her to bed. We talk, cuddle & read stories. That is unfortunately our time together at the moment.
Apart from that I'm at work while she's at school, evenings are just hectic with cooking, cleaning, etc.

When is your brother leaving? If you can't answer that question with certainty you need to tell him to leave.

@SleeplessInEngland sorry I hadn't meant to avoid the question.

Tuesday.

…you do realise that you are an adult @remymartinn ?

You are not a passive character in your own life or home. You have the power to completely change this situation and make your home into a calmer, happier place.

Your little girl doesn’t.

Tell them both tonight that you’ve been having a think and it’s about time now that you and your DD started getting back to normal.

Family need to be told that you love them but visits longer than a couple of nights are untenable. Christ, I’d be stabbing someone if they’d stayed as a houseguest longer than a week!

They can leave tomorrow and then you’ll have a peaceful Sunday to spend with your daughter and try to make her feel listened to.

Ask them to leave

Starting school is enough to start tantrums, tiredness and unhappiness.
The poor thing is learning new rules and boundaries at school, then you have your own parenting style, then two other new adults also have their own expectations.
It's all too much. Yes, time for them to go and for you to support your little girl just to cope with school and have some caring time with you.

They are both due to leave next week.

I'm a little excited to be honest.

No I'm not passive, they know how I feel. I've even been told I've made them feel unwelcome.

I've said it's really difficult for me and DD with them in our new home. I haven't actually had a chance to enjoy it yet. It got messy and cluttered so quickly, I haven't got the time or energy to keep it as I would like. I've been told my expectations for what a house should be like are too high, that it's not dirty.

I've been told my expectations for what a house should be like are too high, that it's not dirty.

"STFU & run the hoover round bro. Then you can stack the dishwasher, make a menu plan, & shop for it while I'm at work tomorrow. You're on cooking duty too."

The feckin cheek of him.

you are a saint. I say to my family 'tell off your own children, not mine'. It makes me see red.

I can't believe they let you do all the cooking! LAZY GUESTS.

I would seriously have a reason why your spare room is out of use for a few years. Maybe you have to get a lodger........A lodger would be more useful ! Or you 'air B and B' the rooms so it's booked whenever family wants it.

This

Also agree that they should not be disciplining your children. Totally understandable for your daughter to be overwhelmed by that amount of visitors IMO.

You're brother sounds really annoying and he should keep his parenting advice to himself. I'm glad for your daughter's sake he's gone next week.

This - They don't get to discipline her. That's down to her parents (i.e. you and/or your OH).

I'd also say that their visits are coming to an end and they need to plan to leave and the sooner the better.

Guests go off after 3-4 days. No doubt your DD feels this too.

Did your DD have much of a relationship with either of them before they came to stay? My mother will discipline my DC sometimes when she is babysitting but she has had a close relationship with DC since birth and follows my lead (and is also softer than me!). I would also flip my lid if I'd just started school, had all the stress of that and then 2 strange men showed up in my house, telling me what to do and expecting my mother to cook and clean for them so she had less time and energy for me.

Gosh your poor child. She needs love and attention from the person she has a secure attachment with (you), not negative attention from strangers. She may like your dad but he shouldn't be disciplining or rewarding her, she needs stable discipline from you. Your brother needs to go, and your Dad shouldn't be there much longer.

She's not having tantrums she's trying to communicate how unsettled she is with your life choices

Your brother in particular sounds like he’s massively overstepped the mark. Neither of them should be disciplining your child. He in particular sounds very overbearing. He should also be pitching in with the housework as though he lived there on such a long stay.

They shouldn’t have been allowed to stay for so long, especially not your brother. You’re not a hotel.

Is there any way that they can leave sooner than next Tuesday?

I would take a MASSIVE break from hosting anyone. Family or friends. Just say that you've had loads of people to stay since you moved in and you need a break.

My honest advice at this stage would be for you to make some time next weekend, once your father and brother have left, to have a day for just you and your DD.
It can be something as simple as a pyjama day where you stay in and watch junk on the telly or get dressed and go out for a coffee and cake or go to the cinema but it's just you and your DD. Then I'd get her involved in planning and decorating your new home for Christmas. She can put decorations up in her room and help dress the tree (if you're getting one).

Firstly if she is doing something for attention the answer is to give her that attention. A child expressing a need should have that need met, and attention is a need.

You're going about this all the wrong way by seeming to prioritise your dad and brother, who should in no way ever even attempt to discipline your child. When you should be prioritising your child.

Start focusing on prioritising your child and meting her needs and things will change because you will act to your focus. Your child is very young but if you see some posts on here 'my daughter hates me' 'i hate my daughter' etc. etc. this is where you're heading but you have a chance to turn that around by prioritising her.

This is HER home and and not theirs. Tell them to leave and take control of your life and your relationship with your child.

@Goldbar it says in the OP that these men hadn’t seen the child since she was a baby.

She’s literally crying out for OP to keep her safe and prioritise her.

It's been a very long winded strung out few months, of which I was totally unprepared for.
My sister asked months ago if she could stay for a month before she moved abroad, I agreed to this. My daughter is obsessed with her auntie so I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

I was initially told my dad would be staying for a couple of weeks, but due to complications with his health he has stayed longer.

The whole thing has been extremely stressful. Suddenly I'm cooking 3 times as much, constantly having to top up food during the week. They contribute but I'm definitely spending way more than I would normally.

They've helped with decorating and fixing, gardening etc which is great, but it's the smaller things they don't see. I'm absolutely done in by 8pm. It's school run, work, school run, dinner prep, cook, bath/shower, bedtime, Im most days I get a message saying they've run out of something, I'm the only one with a car & I live in the country so they are stranded while I'm at work. Even on my days off I have said they are welcome to use my car and go out for the day (hint hint) which they don't do unless they need to. So we are pretty much all at home together.

I don't work Fridays & DD is at school so i spent the day in my room. I can't stand how loud my dad has the TV so don't like being in the sitting room. I just wanted to rest & be alone. Right now my brother is playing a computer game & dad is watching the TV at volume 100000. It's shit.

I know people have far worse problems but this has been going on for months.

I'm counting down the days.

@LookItsMeAgain I will be putting a giant sign outside saying 'no vacancies'. There's no way in hell I'm ever doing this again.