Ex Wife asking for more money AIBU

[bfc1980]

Ok this could be quite long so here goes.
EW and I are separated and coparenting 2 children for past 2 years. We share custody with a 4/3 day split in her favour but school holidays are split 50/50 and I pay her child support of around 470 pounds per month. We split school meals and learning support costs for the children 50/50. We also share our maid/nanny 4/3 days but pay her salary 50/50.

Today she phoned me asking for half of the cost of a birthday present for our DS friend tomorrow (about 10 pounds each). I said that it should ideally come out of the money I pay each month as that is what it should be used for along with extra curricular activities (which cost 50pounds per month), clothes, food and bills for the extra day per week she has them.

It's not the cost of the present that bothers me. It's that she expects me to pay half of any extras without any appreciation of the fact that I'm already paying so much each month for these things. In addition to paying this, I also buy clothes for the children which often end up at her house, costumes for special days at school (e.g black shirt and dress for Queen's funeral) and last month I bought our DS a new pair of football boots. Whenever I take the children to hospital, I pay the insurance excess (about 13 pounds) as does she when she takes them (although in the past month I've paid more than 70 pounds for hospital visits and medication for the children) and I bought the present for the last party our DS went to. I never ask her to pay half of these small things as I find it pointless and petty to do so.

Anyway, she's now furious with me and is saying that she will contact a lawyer to suggest that the children's standard of living is being reduced because I'm not willing to pay half. This concerns me as she has lawyers in her family who will give her free legal advice and representation. It also concerns me as when we originally split up, she said she wanted 900 pounds per month plus half of ALL expenses (lunches, learning support, clubs, medical etc) so she could maintain her lifestyle and if I didn't pay it, she would take the kids back to her home country and I'd only ever see them for a couple of weeks during the summer holidays.

Some points to consider:
We both work abroad
She earns about 2300 pounds per month after tax
I earn 3400 pounds per month after tax so after my child support payment her income is 2770 per month and mine is 2930 per month
Big ticket items like school trips are split 50/50

AIBU to stand my ground over paying half of these small cost items that she is often asking for or should I just put my hand in my pocket?

As you have the children pretty much 50/50 I don't understand why you are paying ANY maintenance.

Because if I don't, she'll take the kids back to her home country away from me and I'll never see them again except a couple of weeks per year. Well this is what she has threatened and I have no reason to not think she would.

I sent her a message (quite a long one) after she put the phone down on me explaining why I won't pay and highlighting that in addition to the monthly payments, I also pay for many other things which I never ask for money back for. Her reply was that she isn't even going to read it and it will be deleted. We can talk in person if I really want to.

Time to lawyer up - she is taking the piss! You should not be paying maintenance on a virtually 50/50 shared custody agreement. You need to make the move before she does and get the wheels in motion to ensure that you get the support you need. Part of that is getting a legal agreement that she cannot remove the children from the country at any time without your consent.

Get a lawyer. Are you in a Hague Convention country? Is her home country? If so she can't take the children back .

Get yourself informed so you know what she can actually do.

We are in Asia. Her home country is EU, mine is UK. Which obviously makes things complicated as there are 3 sets of laws to consider.

It's good you made a stand. She will get more demanding if you give in.

Call her bluff. Where are family of lawyers, in the EU? Can they even help her in Asia?

She's taking the piss. While normally CM doesn't just cover direct expenses like clothes/gifts, it also needs to reflect the RP needing to keep a roof over the child's head, in your case residence is approaching 50/50 so you have those costs too, and the small amount you might need to pay would be just to cover the extras that come up because she covers that one extra day a week. What you pay already should easily cover it given you are paying your way contributing to childcare costs etc.

Don’t get into a long back and forth. Just show her the figures - you have £X per month, I have £Y per month and over a year we have the kids 50-50.

Call her bluff tell if she wants to go home fine and you will see the kids in the school holiday

she is just a typical bully who’s using the kids to bully you

it’s unlikely she would go home over the cost of a £10 present 😂😂🙈

she would probably be much worse off in terms of childcare and maintenance less family support

and it’s very hard to get maintenance from a father who lives abroad

I'd be tempted to say that yes you will pay, but all gifts will be split this way, even when you buy them, or you can call it quits. I can see why she's an ex.

You should invest in some time with a lawyer to find out your rights.
Normally if you currently live in a country that is part of The Hague Convention then she can't take the kids to the EU without your permission as the kids normally live in the Asian country but obviously you need to check.
Also ask about maintenance. If you were in the Uk there would be online calculators that you could use. 50/50 custody would mean no maintenance and both buying clothes for each other's house etc
She is being petty by keeping clothes that you bought yet charging you half for the birthday gift. £20 though! I'd only pay that for a best friend - £5-£10 is the going rate in the UK .

I have no idea how this works internationally but threatening parental alienation is not looked upon kindly by the UK courts, I know that much. You are also not meant to be able to remove children from a country without both parents' approval but in practise that doesn't mean you can't.

I've no idea whose jurisdiction this is because it may depend on the children's nationalities? But parental alienation, that's what she's threatening and it's really out of order.

Yeah, call her bluff - as if she's gonna move to a different country because you didn't give her £5 😀

On a more serious note, there might be legal steps you can put in place to stop her taking the children abroad - an hour spent with a solicitor would clarify this and be money well spent.

Who takes someone to court over £5 towards a present? That’s ridiculous. If she’s got any sense she wouldn’t do this.

Your arrangement seems pretty fair to me. I think paying maintenance “so that she doesn’t take them abroad” is the wrong way of looking at it. It’s so the children have the standard of living you’d want them to have (I’d have thought?). Still, you seem to be managing it pretty fairly with the extras you do both contribute to, the school lunches, clubs etc. It’s a shame she has tried to extend it to every little birthday present - why don’t you each pay for presents for parties that fall in your time?

Oh and to add - is she really going to move back to her home country and be responsible for 100% of costs? She won't be getting 50% of childcare, school meals and learning support costs plus £470 pm from you...

As I said - call her bluff.

Blimey she does sound very grabby.

This is what she has now said if it's on Saturday, I buy the present and if it's on Sunday she buys it. But she knows that most if not all birthday parties are on a Saturday which is when I have them (from 10.30am until the next morning). You can see why she would want this arrangement.

Just say No -
you will go half on the presents and that’s your final offer 😂
honest grow a bigger set of balls and say no
your not being unreasonable but the more you say yes - give in the more she will push you

if she is that thick to go back home over a ten pound gift then you are well rid of her .
you can use the extra money to visit the kids more often 😂

it’s a threat and not even a particularly good one
if you say no this time and nothing happens then it will be much easier going in the future

it’s probably the first time you have ever refused her and like a spoilt brat she is stamping her feet - and over £10 😂😂

Her family of lawyers may be able to advise her but you can't represent your own family in court, she's using that as a scare tactic and doesn't have a leg to stand on. Call her bluff.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say just come to an arrangement you each pay presents 50/50 but put a limit of 10/15 pounds on them.

she sounds awful and your arrangement seems very reasonable in terms of how you’re contributing to the children’s costs.

its horrible that she’s able to threaten you in such a way.

but at the end of the day your children are the most important thing and you don’t ever want to have to explain to them that everything went to hell over some other child’s birthday present.

If this is something that’s happening every week about one issue or another then that’s different and you should seek legal advice etc etc

if the arrangement works otherwise then just try to be pragmatic, vent to a friend and let it go. She’s not worth it and your children need you more than you need £150 a year or whatever it would be.

sorry you’re going through this.

Is the country that you now both live in part of the Hague convention? Because that's what matters really. Maybe you should ask a lawyer for advice, you don't sound as if you know your rights at the moment.

Speak to a lawyer who specialises on your situation, put a stop to her being able to take the dc out if the country and then agree with your solicitor (not her) a fair payment each month and stick to this. This taking the piss

As for actually taking the dc away, I doubt she'll do this, but do the above just in case

Good god. Lawyer here (not a family lawyer and not in your jurisdiction), but for the sake of £10 - or even a few hundred pounds a month- just pay it.

Are the maintenance and extra costs crippling you financially? You don't mention that it is, so I assume you can afford it. So- Just pay it. It's not worth the fight. It's shit, it's maybe not fair but fuck, what will you have to pay if she puts your children on a plane and they are in another country?

What is it like for the children if their parents fight about petty amounts of money, if their father complains about paying for their medication and football boots? That's terrible for their self esteem and your relationship with them. Show them you love them enough to rise above it.

If paying a bit more keeps the relative peace, means a nice life and childhood for your children, keeps the children in your day to day life, keeps you all out of court- then suck it up and pay.

Throw money at this problem. Enjoy your children. They'll be 18 before you know it and this will all end.

Sorry to be blunt, I just wish I could speak to my actual clients like this when they are clearly getting in their own way.

People on this thread cheering for conflict aren't the ones living with the consequences of it.

Oh I see! I thought she wanted half for a present she’d bought.

Idk to be honest. I buy all the presents here but exh is a bit shit - seems to think paying the maintenance a court ordered him to (sort of, I’ve had to apply to enforce twice) makes him some kind of superdad.

We have whole weekends each, which tbh Id recommend because you don’t get to do much with one day each.