Is it me or my manager?

[LanaDooleyx3]

Hi all,

I have had a traumatic year to say the least.

My daughter was born very prematurely last year and spent the first 7 months of her life in hospital on various forms of life support. Due to the financial cost of everything, I had to return to work after her only being home for 2 months as I couldn't afford to take the full year. As you can imagine, I have a lot of unresolved trauma relating to that time in my life, despite the fact she is doing well now. I am on medication and seeing a therapist.

My manager has not been great since I returned to work truthfully. He has given me lots of new work that I am not familiar with and we have had a huge turnover in staff during this time. He expected me to train lots of new people on this new work, I have only been back at work for a month and a half and am just getting to grips with it all.

He will not do the training himself, despite him being the original person who took on this new work.

Another tragedy hit my family last week, my precious niece passed away in a car accident and has torn my family apart. I emailed my manager to let him know I could not face the responsibility of training lots of new people on work I was not overly familiar with at this time, it was all too much. He has not acknowledged it and instead has asked me to do him a favour and complete some work on his behalf.

His complete lack of support has started making me feel very panicky. I am worried he will not even allow me to go to her funeral in 2 weeks.

AIBU to go to HR? And if I do go, I don't know how to word it?

I just feel i've returned to work after a really traumatic time, had no support and actually been given a huge workload, far bigger than I had before, expected to train new people on work I'm not familiar with and now have had such a sad thing happen not even a year after my daughter was born. I just feel so sad and exhausted by it all and the stress is making me feel ill.

Ask for compassionate leave. Go to HR. Look after yourself

I’m sorry about your niece and I am glad your daugher is thriving.

on your manager, taking work on doesn’t mean he needs to do it himself, that’s the role of a manager, to delegate. Unless there is a requirement in your contract that he cannot add new responsibilities of training folks then it’s reasonable for him to delegate work

if your workload is excessive speak to him. At this stage I don’t think there is anything to suggest he won’t let you go to th4 funeral?

@Anniefrenchfry I just feel he could be a lot more supportive to a member on his team who has been through such a tough time. I have taken on the work with no issues I just don't feel I am able to train brand new people on it at this time. He expects favors from me all the time - I don't understand why he cannot help his team. He does nothing.

And no i don't like him, I can imagine that comes through my post, this is just the tip of the iceberg. He is lazy, incompetent and selfish.

Is it a reasonable part of your job role?
If so I'd be looking at occupational health or if you feel you aren't up to it then you probably need to be signed off work by gp

@humanatee We would not usually be expected to train on new work so soon

You've told him it's too much. You haven't been properly reintroduced to work and he's putting too much pressure on you. You've asked for support and he's ignored you.

Please speak to HR.

Very sorry to hear about your niece.

I think you need to speak to your manager rather than emailing. Have you done this already? You need to be very clear what you want "My workload is too much" or "I need some additional training on the new systems before I can train others".

I would email directly saying you are just checking that it's ok for you to have x date off for the funeral. Lack of response does not mean he is unsupportive, as opposed to just lacking in general people skills.

(I should say, I've just moved jobs to get away from a manager who was lazy, incompetent and selfish. So I get how utterly sole destroying it is. Unfortunately you need to "play the game" that you don't believe this to be the root cause - which means trying to resolve the issue with him directly, as that will be the first thing you'll be asked if you've tried, if you raise it any further).
The good news is, if he's lazy, that you can probably tell him what you are doing rather than asking :) as it will be too much effort for him to object.

I think you need to see a GP to discuss your mental health. If you are not fit for work or need adjustment your GP will provide you with the certification. You may need to have an occupational health assessment to determine what if any adjustments are needed.

Two issues are at work here. First you returned to work and your manager has assumed you are fit for work. When clearly you are not. He should be able to recognise that but equally you need to articulate it and state what you need.

secondly and what makes matters worse is that post brexit and covid all workplaces are swamped with increased workloads whilst facing people shortages. Staff turnover is high as people move into better paid roles. It is all a vicious cycle.

This is exactly it - it is soul destroying and making a really shit time in my life even shitter.

I have never known such a lack of understanding from another person.

I think this is valid op.

maybe see your gp and get signed off for a much needed break to try to recuperate during this difficult time.

The thing is, in my workplace reasonable adjustments are made all the time - the only thing I have asked for is to be kept off of the training for a bit. I don't understand why I am being treated differently to everyone else, I work so so hard.

I don't feel that I am unable to work, I work from home, I just feel like I need a bit more understanding from him. He doesn't reply to me when I do reach out. I have tried. He doesn't listen to me in my catch ups.

He is also someone who will take time off for anything and everything - I have not requested time off for my poor niece. I have just reiterated my need to focus on my own work and getting back to grips with everything without the added responsibility of training on new work.

Op does he have any one else who can reasonably do it?

it’s clear the training is a real problem for you. The easy way to force that to go elsewhere is to get signed off sick with stress. Right now yoire not willing or able to do the duties assigned to You and it’s understandable. Is it money, do you get sick pay?

@AnniefrenchfryThe training is a big responsibility; I don't want to let others down. Also, if I'm having a bad day, it's easy to plug my headphones in and do my work, it's very difficult to have your game face on and present.

Add in the fact I don't know any of these new people and it's just very overwhelming.

I have trained loads in the past - I am not saying I never will again. I have just said I am not the best person at present to be doing it.

I'm really sorry for everything you have been through, it sounds really difficult.

Have you specifically asked to not do the training as an adjustment? Provided any medical evidence or even just explained your situation, how it affects your mental health and why the training is too much? If not I think you need to do this via an email and copy in HR.

Taking on new and different work is normal and not unreasonable, the same for delegating it.

I find it odd that delegating work is framed in terms of "doing a favour" is that coming from you or him? To me it is normal and positive to ask a trusted member of staff to take on more advanced tasks. It is a shame you are not in the right place to do it, but perhaps you need to spell this out. One would expect a competent, empathetic manager to realise this but it seems that in this case you need to be more explicit.

Good luck OP, I hope things start to get better for you.

If you want to go to HR you will need to make sure you are solid ground about what you want and why.

A complaint about an onerous workload is different from a complaint about a reasonable adjustment not being made. And complaining about your managers performance is a whole different kettle of fish.

To request a reasonable adjustment you will need to follow a formal process that usually involves occupational health services. A fitness note from you GP will also help. Rightly or wrongly your manager cannot determine a health need and just make changes to your job.

If you have been given an unmanageable workload you will need to present evidence of this. But it isn’t clear why you find training so onerous right now. You will need to be able to articulate this.

I think you need to talk to HR as others have said.

I emailed my manager to let him know I could not face the responsibility of training lots of new people on work I was not overly familiar with at this time, it was all too much. He has not acknowledged it and instead has asked me to do him a favour and complete some work on his behalf.

Is he delegating this work so that he has tIme to train?

Can you clarify with him that yes, if you are not expected to lead the training, then yes you will have capacity to do this work for him instead.

Reply to the email with a tone or ‘this is what’s happening, thanks for understanding I can’t do the training’. Force him to correct you in writing to say you must train. If hr does, go to HR to discuss.

no, he never trains or helps us with the actual work.

takes credit for it though.

I don't think I am the best person right now to be presenting and training brand new people when there are others who are happy to do it.

Is he one of those managers who doesn't actually do the job because he doesn't know how?

@girlmom21 hit the nail on the head. and I think this is where a lot of my feeling is also coming from.

he doesn't care what others are going through or what they need. aslong as he is okay. he puts us into meetings with people really high up in his place and pulls out of things all the time. he just doesn't listen. it's just very stressful and I am having a hard enough time as it is, I've been thinking of going to HR as I just feel this is the final straw. I don't think what I've asked for is a big thing at all - others in the past have been granted far more. and the training isn't just for me - it's for them. they deserve to be trained by someone fully present.

I think it’s clear that if you take away all the noise…ie the fact you don’t like him and think him incapable , this is about he wants you to train, you don’t want to. This has previously been part of your role.

so put in a formal request to him and hr, same one email, sent to both at rhe same time . And ask formally if you can request this be removed from your role as you mentally feel unable to do it at this point.

I’m not sure it’s a reasonable adjustment as such, you are not disabled from what I can understand, nor do you seem to have any doctors note saying you’re unfit for this work .

You need to say how long you wish it removed for and potentially what steps you’re taking to help you ie counselling,,gp etc.

so stop focusing on how much you dislike him and think he should do it himself, and just develop a request and case why, outline your own remedial actions and put a formal request in

Your manager appears to lack empathy, he's not realising that your current mental/emotional state means you need some adjustments in the workplace.

You've asked for a bit but not what you fully need.

Think of it as a temporary disability and tell him what reasonable adjustments you need to do your work. Or just tell him you are having health problems and need to speak with HR and do it that way.

I'm sorry he's not more compassionate but some people just aren't.

What's going on in your personal life is very sad but not relevant to your job. If you can't work as you are too distressed then you need to see your GP and go through the proper sickness/return to work procedure.
You can't expect to go to work, get paid but pick and choose your work because you are upset.
However you feel your workload is genuinely unmanageable for a person in your job role and then you need to address this in a professional manner without using your personal life as a reason.