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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or my manager?

33 replies

LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 09:27

Hi all,

I have had a traumatic year to say the least.

My daughter was born very prematurely last year and spent the first 7 months of her life in hospital on various forms of life support. Due to the financial cost of everything, I had to return to work after her only being home for 2 months as I couldn't afford to take the full year. As you can imagine, I have a lot of unresolved trauma relating to that time in my life, despite the fact she is doing well now. I am on medication and seeing a therapist.

My manager has not been great since I returned to work truthfully. He has given me lots of new work that I am not familiar with and we have had a huge turnover in staff during this time. He expected me to train lots of new people on this new work, I have only been back at work for a month and a half and am just getting to grips with it all.

He will not do the training himself, despite him being the original person who took on this new work.

Another tragedy hit my family last week, my precious niece passed away in a car accident and has torn my family apart. I emailed my manager to let him know I could not face the responsibility of training lots of new people on work I was not overly familiar with at this time, it was all too much. He has not acknowledged it and instead has asked me to do him a favour and complete some work on his behalf.

His complete lack of support has started making me feel very panicky. I am worried he will not even allow me to go to her funeral in 2 weeks.

AIBU to go to HR? And if I do go, I don't know how to word it?

I just feel i've returned to work after a really traumatic time, had no support and actually been given a huge workload, far bigger than I had before, expected to train new people on work I'm not familiar with and now have had such a sad thing happen not even a year after my daughter was born. I just feel so sad and exhausted by it all and the stress is making me feel ill.

OP posts:
OP83 · 21/10/2022 12:12

maryberryslayers · 21/10/2022 12:02

What's going on in your personal life is very sad but not relevant to your job. If you can't work as you are too distressed then you need to see your GP and go through the proper sickness/return to work procedure.
You can't expect to go to work, get paid but pick and choose your work because you are upset.
However you feel your workload is genuinely unmanageable for a person in your job role and then you need to address this in a professional manner without using your personal life as a reason.

Sadly I have to agree. It sounds like isn't been a terribly hard time for you and I wish you well.

Unfortunately, from your manager's perspective, you've been off work for 9 months (presumably paid) and now you're back. It's not unreasonable that systems will have changed and your job role likewise in nearly a year.

The fact that the last 9 months has been traumatic for you is terrible and (if this was a personal relationship rather than a work one) I would expect your manager to be sympathetic. From a business perspective though, it's no different to someone experiencing a much more 'ideal' maternity leave.

If he's insisting you do things that are genuinely outside of your position then this is something to raise with HR.

If you need additional training on systems etc. which may have been implemented in your absence then it would be perfectly reasonable to request this.

If you need further support with your trauma/mental health then be sure to seek this and you may find you get signed off anyway.

It isn't unreasonable for him to expect you to come back, adapt to how the business has changed and fulfil your job role. I understand if you aren't capable of doing that at the moment but that isn't his problem (he's probably be struggling with your absence for the last 9 months).

Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 13:30

I get what you're all saying, I really do and if this was the same for everyone across the board I would understand but adjustments have been put in place for many members of this team for a variety of different reasons.

training is not a major part of my role. I've done it in the past to help out. I'm just asking that, atleast until after my nieces funeral, I am kept off of the training schedule.

I have emailed him, i will see what he says. I am very lucky I have a very good HR department who are wonderfully supportive to those returning from maternity in normal circumstances. it may not be his problem but presumably he wants the best out of his staff and team. a bit of humanity would go a long way - there's a reason our staff turnover has been so high.

OP posts:
OP83 · 21/10/2022 13:48

LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 13:30

I get what you're all saying, I really do and if this was the same for everyone across the board I would understand but adjustments have been put in place for many members of this team for a variety of different reasons.

training is not a major part of my role. I've done it in the past to help out. I'm just asking that, atleast until after my nieces funeral, I am kept off of the training schedule.

I have emailed him, i will see what he says. I am very lucky I have a very good HR department who are wonderfully supportive to those returning from maternity in normal circumstances. it may not be his problem but presumably he wants the best out of his staff and team. a bit of humanity would go a long way - there's a reason our staff turnover has been so high.

If you are able to my personal advice would be to try and speak to him rather than email. You may find a 'proper' conversation would result in a greater understanding of your situation on his part. Emails are quite impersonal and often the human element is lost in translation.

I certainly think that this is a better course of action (at least for now) than approaching HR. Once you get HR involved you are likely to damage an semblance of a relationship with your manager and it then becomes a 'contract' issue (which, I don't know enough from your posts, but you MAY not be on the preferable side of).

Obviously you have to look after yourself first and foremost and this is ONLY my advice (so feel free to ignore it). I hope you get it sorted.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/10/2022 13:49

LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 13:30

I get what you're all saying, I really do and if this was the same for everyone across the board I would understand but adjustments have been put in place for many members of this team for a variety of different reasons.

training is not a major part of my role. I've done it in the past to help out. I'm just asking that, atleast until after my nieces funeral, I am kept off of the training schedule.

I have emailed him, i will see what he says. I am very lucky I have a very good HR department who are wonderfully supportive to those returning from maternity in normal circumstances. it may not be his problem but presumably he wants the best out of his staff and team. a bit of humanity would go a long way - there's a reason our staff turnover has been so high.

I think this is the disconnect.

You see training as a favor and helping out, Your manager sees training as part of your job.

You see the manager as not doing anything himself, He likely has a different set of responsibilities which he needs to work on. (In other words his job is different than yours but you see his job as being the same).

You see all the things going on in your personal life, he sees an an employee that is at work and should be able to perform their job functions.

Honestly, I’m not going to say either of you is right or wrong in this situation. But just something to think about.

Original poster
LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 13:54

I don't see training as a favour. I was just saying it's not a normal part of my role.

I've sent him another email just outlining my position and hopefully I atleast get a response this time.

he will continue to loose staff if he continues on this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 13:58

I'm not trying to pull a fast one here, even with all this going on in the background I am a bloody hard worker

OP posts:
Survey99 · 21/10/2022 14:06

Have you booked the day off for your nieces funeral and has he approved/declined it? We would have annual leave for any funerals other than immediate family.

It is difficult when you have a boss you don't get on with or expect more support from, but that is work life if they are not supportive you need to go by the book.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
LanaDooleyx3 · 21/10/2022 15:10

@Survey99 I have requested it but heard nothing back.

it's a shame as I got on with him really well when he was brought in a few years ago and was looking forward to working with him. Unfortunately, his management got moved to another country who work totally different hours and his entire attitude changed - he was never available, never helping with work, never attending training to learn what we do, not interested at all. Got away with whatever he wanted as his management team are out of sight, out of mind.

He does just enough to get by basically. I guess this is relevant to whether or not I go to HR as I just feel i've hit a brick wall with him now. I've spoken out a few times about easing up on the pressure just for now, I've told him what happened to my niece. I have had nothing.

OP posts:
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