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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if you don't feel done after 3 DC you'll never feel done?

68 replies

MarianneVos · 20/10/2022 23:20

I know some people feel they definitely wanted to stop having children after having enough, and some people feel like they would always want more but stop for fertility/financial/practical reasons.

If you're the type of person who doesn't feel 'done' with having kids after three of them, are you the latter type? Or do some have got o or five and finally feel that's the right amount?

YABU people often feel done after their fourth + child
YANBU if you don't feel done after three you'll always be wanting more even if you had twenty kids

OP posts:
isittheholidaysyet · 21/10/2022 12:27

I have 4. I remember being in the labour room just after giving birth to 4th and physically it felt like something had turned off. Suddenly I was done. It was weird and unexpected.

Dinneronmybfpillow · 21/10/2022 12:27

I'd love four but finances and house size mean we can't. Don't care as much for the baby stage, would happily be pregnant then pop out a toddler and skip that bit. I will forever feel sad that I only have the three.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/10/2022 12:30

I felt I wasn't done at 3 so when I was offered sterilisation during my section I refused it, but now I have 3 aged 3,7 and 10 I am definitely done !! Couldn't think of anything worse than adding another to our hectic house !

MarianneVos · 21/10/2022 13:46

Borracha · 21/10/2022 07:45

I think there's a difference between wanting another child and wanting to be pregnant again. I had an unexpected/unplanned 3rd just over a year ago and I 100% know I could not cope with any more children (physically, emotionally, financially etc) so we are very much DONE.

But, I still get a tiny pang of envy when a friend makes a pregnancy announcement...

I'm the opposite. I had awful hyperemesis each time so never want to be pregnant again. I would happily have a stork bring me several more babies though.

DH was pretty done at two, and I knew I wasn't but hoped I'd be done at three. DC3 was in neonatal and at that point I decided I couldn't do it again but now I'm back to feeling like I want more. I can't work out if it's that I really want 4 or if I could have 20 and still feel that one more would be great! It's interesting to hear that 4 was a clear stopping point for others.

DH definitely thinks he's done so agree about him getting a vasectomy. Financially, house space wise, work wise etc I think a fourth would tip us over into not coping. I'm definitely not either laid back or super organised - more like anxious and a bit chaotic! I'd also be over 40 next time so higher risk for everything.

I'm definitely lucky to have the three I have and logically I'd be stupid to have another but my heart really wants one. I'm hoping it passes in time and I can make my peace with it.

OP posts:
MarianneVos · 21/10/2022 13:49

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/10/2022 12:30

I felt I wasn't done at 3 so when I was offered sterilisation during my section I refused it, but now I have 3 aged 3,7 and 10 I am definitely done !! Couldn't think of anything worse than adding another to our hectic house !

I think I need to hold onto this - that I'll feel very different in a few years and if I did have another it's not reversible!

Mine are 3,3,0 so I have no idea what challenges school etc will bring.

Obviously if I did have another it wouldn't be for a while anyway, I was just really hoping to feel that my family was complete after DC3 as three was what I'd always imagined. Hopefully it's just post birth hormones.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 21/10/2022 13:49

I always wanted 3 as I'm one of 3 and I loved it!

Stopped at 2, my hearts yearning by for a 3rd has definitely diminished over time and my boys are 11 and 8 now so I'm definitely done and happy about it.

We could have done 3 but it doesn't feel like there's anyone missing.

Still, I have a name for my mythical 3rd son, whom shall only exist in my mind. And honestly, he's the best behaved!!

Decafflatteplease · 21/10/2022 13:55

I always wanted 4, never felt "done" after having 1, 2 and 3 but literally the moment 4 was born I was like "yup I'm done". Never had any thoughts of a fifth. I thought I'd always be broody and get pangs of wanting a baby if I was to see a newborn but thankfully I just think they are nice but no desire at all to have any more. Literally all broodiness went after number 4. Can't anyway now for various reasons!

Decafflatteplease · 21/10/2022 13:56

Also had some losses along the way so there's quite a big age gap between mine, bit like the Queen!

Buttons294749 · 21/10/2022 13:57

I feel like i could have a baby every year if DH would let me Blush

Lindengericht · 21/10/2022 14:05

I wasn't done at 3, but was definitely done at 4.

Lindengericht · 21/10/2022 14:06

I was 36 as well

MissMissICantDoThis · 21/10/2022 14:16

I could have had 20. As it is, we have 5. I had my first early 20's and last early 30's and remained broody up until my hormones started to tail off. Now mid-40's and the thought of having a newborn would send chills down my spine.

DH and I are teachers and although mine are now self sufficient, I do ask myself what on earth I was thinking. I don't know how I got through the 3 clubs a night drop off and pick ups.

Chickpea17 · 21/10/2022 14:27

1 and done. Just don't how people have the time the money and the energy for more.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 21/10/2022 14:44

I thought i would be broody forever as i am so maternal! After baby number 7 i just couldn't imagine not going through pregnancy, birth and having another baby/child again. Then after a few months those feelings slowly faded and i stopped being broody. I haven't been broody since and i know and feel that my family is totally complete. It's different for everyone but i think most women get to a stage where the broodiness subsides.

Tillow4ever · 21/10/2022 14:47

I have 3 sons. I always wanted a daughter too, and after my first I'd have happily had a baby every year as I love them so much.

But the reality is we couldn't afford to have more than 3, and my relationship with my husband is terrible (maybe that's why I want to fill it with children, who knows).

I don't feel done, but I also know I am done as I haven't had sex in almost 11 years, am now 43 and can't see anything changing anytime soon!

ChakaKhanfan · 21/10/2022 14:50

I have two, 3 years & 7 years.
I want another, the feeling has come on quite strong suddenly. I think it’s because we moved to a quieter area and have more space, so it seems quite doable. I’m 35, I have a bit of time (hopefully) but my husband is happy with two.

MrsNowAndAlways · 22/10/2022 10:46

deeperthanallroses · 21/10/2022 12:14

How old was everyone when they had their 3rd / 4th / nth and done baby? Was that an influence? I think a lot about this…

I had my first at 26, and I always said I didn't want to have children in my 30's.
I ended up having them at 30, 31, 33 and my last at 37. I lost one this year, and would've just turned 40 if everything had been OK.

cookiecreammmpie · 22/10/2022 12:17

deeperthanallroses · 21/10/2022 12:14

How old was everyone when they had their 3rd / 4th / nth and done baby? Was that an influence? I think a lot about this…

20, 26, 28 and 29 were the ages I had all my kids.

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