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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't feel done after 3 DC you'll never feel done?

68 replies

MarianneVos · 20/10/2022 23:20

I know some people feel they definitely wanted to stop having children after having enough, and some people feel like they would always want more but stop for fertility/financial/practical reasons.

If you're the type of person who doesn't feel 'done' with having kids after three of them, are you the latter type? Or do some have got o or five and finally feel that's the right amount?

YABU people often feel done after their fourth + child
YANBU if you don't feel done after three you'll always be wanting more even if you had twenty kids

OP posts:
CallTheMobWife · 21/10/2022 08:36

Your point is utterly ridiculous. I ahve four, I am done and happy. If I wasn't, I would have five!
Why would I never feel done because I wanted 4? Makes no sense of any kind.

AlwaysUphill · 21/10/2022 08:48

I knew a school mum that had 6 and said she never felt done and thought she may never get that feeling. She loved being pregnant and said she found the newborn stage addictive. Her husband had said no more but apparently she talked him round for numbers 5 and 6 so she was still hoping for more. I haven’t seen her in a few years so no idea if she had more. Her 3 oldest were teens when I knew her and she was stressed out with teen issues whilst dealing with her youngest starting school nursery and crying every day at drop off. She was a lovely mum but I felt stressed just listening to it all. 😅

I can’t imagine feeling like that in all honesty. I love my children, I have 2, and have always enjoyed being a mum but was very content after our second was born. Practicalities kicked in for me and I think even if I’d have had the feeling of wanting more, that would have overridden by those practicalities.

Mommabear20 · 21/10/2022 08:57

I'm pregnant with an unplanned 3rd. I always wanted a third, DH didn't, so we agreed to stop at 2 and revisit in a few years, but contraception failed and here we are, soon to have 3 under 3! 😂 she's not here yet but I feel very much like our family is complete! Any more and the practical side doesn't work for us, financially we'd really struggle, and I like that we can all fit into a 7 seater without needing the 2 back seats so have plenty of space for luggage, pushchairs etc.

mistermagpie · 21/10/2022 09:13

I have three and wanted three. Mine are close in age and still young (2, 5 and 7) but honestly I think anyone who has more than three by choice must be crazy, or incredibly organised! Maybe with bigger gaps it's easier but three just seems a lot as it is.

But then I have friends with one or two, who couldn't understand why I wanted more than that, so it's horses for courses isn't it.

My DH is one of four, they are close in age and they are all married so it's quite nice having a big gang of us all around at Christmas etc, but negotiations over what we do etc can be tiring. His mum says that when they were little it was hard but she didn't work, so their lifestyle was a bit different I suppose.

hyperspacebug · 21/10/2022 09:19

I have 3 and I don't feel done, would like 1 more. Like you, I'm worried I am one of those who will never stop wanting - perhaps addicted to easy pregnancies, easy births and newborn stage.

ShippingForecastMeditator · 21/10/2022 09:21

I was done at 1. Luckily as it turned out because any more than that would've meant my current financial situation would be worse than impossible. In every other respect it would have been wonderful.

I admire (and envy, in a nice way) all of you with multiple children but really don't understand how it's possible, even on a good wage.

Kabalagala · 21/10/2022 09:26

We are done at 3, but don't feel "done". If finances allowed I would have 5 or 6.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 21/10/2022 09:27

I always wanted 4, I had my second and felt done. I never wanted to do pregnancy again so if someone could hand me a couple of babies then I've been delighted (I don't agree with surrogacy for money) but I wasn't putting myself through it again.

MuchTooTired · 21/10/2022 09:32

I always wanted 4, and was discussing with DH up until our DTs turned 2 having a couple more babies, because ours were really tiring but relatively easy. Between 2-4 they were absolute savages, and the idea of having to go through that age again is the reason I won’t be having any more, it was awful! In the back of my mind I do keep thinking about the two embryos I have in the freezer that I have to do something with, but looking at it coldly I might end up with three which I really don’t want (I’m one of 3, it was always 2vs1) then there’s all the practical financial/emotional support/logistics of more kids, and I don’t know if I’d be any good at it. So I think I’m done, but I’ll always wonder about my other two potential babies.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 21/10/2022 09:39

I've just had my 3rd baby 7 months ago, I would like another but I'm 43. I'm also in a same sex marriage, so had IUI to have our children. All our children have the same donor. We used the last sample of his sperm for third baby (very lucky). If we chose to have another, they wouldn't have the same donor. Also, in Scotland, where we live, there is a real shortage of donors. It also costs for every go at IUI. So, while I would like another, there are so many reasons not to. I feel grateful I have 3 children, at one point, I didn't think I would ever be lucky enough. I know people with 4 children who are done, some who were one and done, some who have more than 6 and aren't done, I think it's very personal. I always felt more strongly in the first three months after having the babies that I wanted more (hormones?) But it gets steadily weaker. I love being pregnant and labour and being a mum, but you've got to draw a line somewhere.

gluenotsoup · 21/10/2022 09:40

It was a difficult journey for us to have a third child, took ages, lots of extra scans and genetic worries, several miscarriages. So, I was sure I didn’t want any more and felt both finished and blessed to have walked away with a 3rd baby born healthy. It lasted about 2 years before I was pining for another, a fourth would have been lovely, but by then I felt too old and tired and a bit stretched thin anyway. The practical reasons around bedrooms, car space, finances, giving them all quality time and love and hobbies made me sure that my head made the right choice to stop at three, but my heart would have loved another.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 21/10/2022 09:42

I was one and done so I'm always fascinated by these threads where women want more, and more children.

I think a PP is right that your own childhood experience will have a big impact on your decisions even sub consciously. Whether good (replicate) or not good (change number).

I do wonder if some do get "addicted" to the pregnancy hormones and the newborn oxytocin, and want that feeling again and again.

I just can't imagine spreading my love and attention over 4/5/6, I think I'm too much of a worrier and would be feeling someone is always left out or waiting or not heard. Most of the mums I know who have larger families are either drill sergeants with incredible organised routines with little deviation or very laidback hippy mum types who go with the flow in a , to me, chaotic home. There doesn't seem to be much middle ground.

Although I'm sure there is and there will be plenty posters saying they cope just fine!

Minniem2020 · 21/10/2022 09:46

I have 3 and I don't think I'll ever feel done. We have to be due to financial reasons but I'd have more if I could. I feel down that I can't have more then feel guilty as I'm so lucky and some people don't even get to have 1.

MrsNowAndAlways · 21/10/2022 10:04

We said 2 or 4, got to 4 and I was absolutely not done. We now have 5 and I would happily have more, in fact I lost our baby in April, though it was an unplanned pregnancy.
I love being pregnant and honestly miss it, I love the birth, mine have all been so quick and easy which has probably helped me not to have any qualms about doing it again. Realistically though, I'm 40 next month, and so I need to accept that I'm done now. It makes me very sad though.

Mummyongin · 21/10/2022 10:18

Not quite what you asked but I have 2 and am pining for a 3rd but DH is done. Our 2nd was very unwell as a baby during lockdown and the impact was huge. I had ptsd and the whole family was massively knocked emotionally for months (years?) after. We’re getting back on track now and I think I’m partly pining for the chance to do the early months again without the trauma, to get it “right” and prove to myself that I am a good mum and it wasn’t my fault. Not sure DH could cope though. I’m 37 so have time (possibly) but aware get that will run out.

Highfivemum · 21/10/2022 10:26

My DH and I wanted a large family. We have 6 DC and we are both happy with that. I just didn’t feel done with 3/4 or 5. No idea why but I just liked the idea of one more. That feeling has now disappeared. Love our big family.

Icannoteven · 21/10/2022 10:29

I have a theory that people only feel 'done' once they have had one-too-many children 😬

PaisleyP · 21/10/2022 10:34

We're defo done after 4. The thought of doing school runs for the next 13 years minimum is enough for us 😂.

Notplayingball · 21/10/2022 10:59

Youngest baby was a preemie so we knew that was it for us. No more. Four and done.

Hopelessacademic · 21/10/2022 11:01

I have a friend with 4 who said she would have had more but her husband is a bit older and didn't want to be an old dad so that's why they stopped!
they're all teenagers now I think!

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 21/10/2022 11:03

I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel done. Definitely didn’t after 3. Then had my 4th and instantly felt done and haven’t wavered since. I’m happily at my limit.

deeperthanallroses · 21/10/2022 12:14

How old was everyone when they had their 3rd / 4th / nth and done baby? Was that an influence? I think a lot about this…

Notplayingball · 21/10/2022 12:19
ChocolateCrepe · 21/10/2022 12:24

I always wanted 6 (I know I know I’m crazy) but I got to 4 and knew I was done, everything up until her felt like we’d always been waiting for her, whereas my imaginary babies 5 & 6 don’t seem like real people (I’m aware that I’m making myself sound more and more crazy)
DP actually now wants to have a fifth but I can honestly say as lovely as newborns are and I do miss the smell of a sleeping newborn on my chest - I am done!

ChocolateCrepe · 21/10/2022 12:24

I was 28 when baby number 4 was born @deeperthanallroses