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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have my niece on my only day off with my DS

41 replies

Corbiere92 · 20/10/2022 22:14

Currently on MAT leave but returning soon and (foolishly?) agreed to have my niece during my only day off work in the week.

I’ll work 4 days starting Nov and agreed I could have my niece on that day, while obviously also having my little one. Niece is 2.5 yrs old.

AIBU if I say I’d rather have my DS on his own? I know childcare costs are pricey etc but now it’s getting closer I’m really regretting agreeing to it, I have enjoyed MAT leave and spending time with my LO and I know I won’t get to give him the same focus and attention with my niece to care for too… but I don’t want to upset the family and feel like it might throw the cat amongst the pigeons??

OP posts:

Vikinga · 20/10/2022 22:16

I think your sister or sister in law will understand that you want to spend time with just your lo. However, you may find it easier having 2 of them than just one. They can entertain and play with each other

lanthanum · 20/10/2022 22:17

It might be short notice for them to make other arrangements at this point. Can you give them notice now that you're only willing to do it until Christmas?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2022 22:20

Not unreasonable not to want to do it, but will then have enough time to make other arrangements?

Pinkbananas01 · 20/10/2022 22:22

Is your sister giving you a day of free childcare in return?

BrutusMcDogface · 20/10/2022 22:22

Absolutely not unreasonable to not want to do it (that time with your first little one after returning to work is so precious) BUT- you’ve agreed to it! I think you should do as an above poster suggests, and say you’ll do it for a little while til they find someone else.

ChaosMoon · 20/10/2022 22:23

Not unreasonable to make that decision, but very unreasonable if you're going back to work soon. It takes months to arrange childcare around me (and in the area were moving to) so you could really be leaving her in the lurch.

parrotonthesofa · 20/10/2022 22:24

Yes say you will do it until they find an alternative. I understand why you don't want to do it.

Original poster

Corbiere92 · 20/10/2022 22:25

Thanks @Vikinga one of the reasons I originally was happy to do it was because I thought it would be nice for them to spend time together and they’d keep each other entertained, but I think I’m starting to realise the age gap while they’re so young makes that a bit
tricker than I expected, and they are also together with my parents 2 days a week so DS won’t miss out too much…

Absolutely fair point about the notice @lanthanum and @Stompythedinosaur, I know my nieces nursery can flex up and down on days - she’s been in and out on differing days since September term started for different reasons. That said I’d still happily have her if needed, if they couldn’t fit her in for example or if my brother and SIL budget didn’t allow… but there’s another awkward conversation to have!!

OP posts:

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/10/2022 22:25

I can't imagine why you'd agree to this but, as you have, I suggest you do it for a few weeks, then tell them it's not working and give them til Jan to make alternative arrangements.

StupidSmallFruit · 20/10/2022 22:31

No way would I agree to do this.

But now that you have, I don’t envy you the awkward conversation to get out of it!

FistFullOfRegrets · 20/10/2022 22:33

well, I'd normally say you should give them
plenty of notice (say until Christmas) but as they have a nursery already then there's no real need to do that.

If you think money is tight, you could offer to do it until Christmas, or every other week until Christmas.

is there another way you could help them out that you wouldn't mind doing? Maybe half a day or picking her up from nursery so there's not so much pressure on them to get back?

eheres your DS going on your other 2 working days?

notdaddycool · 20/10/2022 22:36

Having offered it I’d start and do it for a few weeks then saying you’re not getting the time you want with yours and say you’ll do it until Christmas.

MumDadBingoBlueyy · 20/10/2022 22:36

Is your niece close to getting her ‘free’ hours? Could you stick with the arrangement until then? And then when they kick in your brother/SIL can use the hours to cover what you were doing?

TizLruss · 20/10/2022 22:38

I work 4 days a week since returning from mat leave. Having a day with my child and no one else is my favourite day of the week. You are definitely not unreasonable for feeling this way!

Wineiscooling · 20/10/2022 22:41

It’s completely your choice, if you’ve changed your mind then that’s allowed but I personally would feel awful to have that conversation after agreeing. I did the same for my nephew. There is 20 months between them and the age gap was not a problem at all and they became great little mates. It was lovely company for mine and didn’t make any difference to our routine with an extra child, if anything made me get them out more. I’ve got lovely memories of that time the 3 of us walking round the local parks and those 2 playing together.

TiaraBoo · 20/10/2022 22:54

Bit short notice!
if it was me, I’d say I’d say i’d do it for 3 months and then I’m going back going full time!

Ellie1015 · 20/10/2022 23:15

Yanbu. It is awkward. Perhaps say now your little one is becoming more mobile you've realised it will be too much for you.

TheCurseOfBoris · 21/10/2022 00:19

Agree with pp, tell them it's not going to be as easy as you thought (and to be honest, it was never going to be, what were you thinking, lol). You'll need eyes in the back of your head. Yours will be crawling and theirs will be running off all over the place. Why make life harder for yourself. You're going to resent going back to work anyway and now you have to spend that specious day off tending to another child. You probably had an 'earth mother' moment and thought it would be marvelous, am I right?
Absolutely give them notice, til Xmas perhaps.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 21/10/2022 00:25

Depends - are other family members rallying round to give you free childcare on your 4 days of work? If so then yabu. If you are paying for independent non-family childcare then yanbu.

ClaryFairchild · 21/10/2022 00:42

Your parents are giving you 2 days free childcare a week? I think you might upset them given that you don't pay for all your childcare yourself. Maybe have a conversation about not doing all of them, and having alternative ad hoc arrangements, maybe occasionally nursery (Friday used to be the day nurseries had the lowest numbers so could take in) or your parents for even half a day?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/10/2022 00:44

Having read your follow up post, my opinion has changed a bit. I think the fact that you are relying on other family members to inconvenience themselves to care for your dc when working means I might feel a bit more pressure to inconvenience yourself to support them. It seems a bit one sided otherwise?

OhHeyBabe · 21/10/2022 00:44

I would probably offer every other week. Is that an option?

mackthepony · 21/10/2022 02:24

But your sister in law didn't feel awkward about asking, and putting you in this position?

Plus, handling a toddler and a baby is gonna be hard work. They will not play together, your baby is too young.

Just say you've had a rethink and it's not gonna work

Vecna · 21/10/2022 02:51

Yanbu for not wanting it but yabu for saying you would. How awkward 😬

I have a baby and a 2-year-old. It's hard work and one does not help with the other. My baby doesn't get anywhere near the attention my firstborn got and I can't do as many groups etc for either because there isn't much suitable for both. Luckily I'm a sahm right now so they both get all my time between them, but in your shoes, no way. Take that time for your child.

unkownone · 21/10/2022 02:53

say you've had a change of heart. LOL i had my neice who was 3 months older than my DD who was around 9 months and while sometimes it was ok it was damn tough. My DD never slept so i was severely sleep deprived. They also just collected her end of work day, no help in tidying up the mess or seeing how i was etc SIL even refused to lend me a cleaner after my neice painted my carpets. I did 12 months of it and was never thanked just expected. I found myself helping everyone and yet no one ever ever helped me.

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