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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit ridiculous about when I gave birth

29 replies

Oriolewall · 20/10/2022 21:20

I was absolutely terrified of giving birth, and I was frightened / squeamish about epidurals too.

I ended up being induced and it was all a bit of a shambles but I remember panicking at the slightest hint of pain and they ended up giving me an EMCS. But to be honest I don’t think I should have needed it if I’d just been a bit calmer and not panicked.

Does anyone work in delivery - is it likely I had a C section because I was such hard work

OP posts:

Aloneanddontlikeit · 20/10/2022 21:23

As long as you and baby are happy and healthy I wouldn't give it another seconds thought Op

Original poster

Oriolewall · 20/10/2022 21:24

Thanks, but I would like some answers tbh

OP posts:

mobear · 20/10/2022 21:25

I wasn’t even in active labour and screamed so much they had to put me in a private room (I think I was scaring the other patients!). I wouldn’t worry about it OP.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 20/10/2022 21:26

Sounds like you could do with a debrief with the birth afterthoughts service if you're in the UK. They go through your notes and explain why the decisions were made. You can look it up on the website of the hospital where you gave birth.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 20/10/2022 21:26

I have seen this happen.

sourcreampringle · 20/10/2022 21:27

Did they not explain what was happening when getting your consent for procedures?

You can request your notes (I think it’s free nowadays) and read through them to see what happened and why. Most hospitals also offer a service where a midwife will sit with you and go through them with you and help explain everything.

Original poster

Oriolewall · 20/10/2022 21:28

It wasn’t very clear but in fairness I hadn’t slept for 48 hours and had also had a load of drugs so I’m not sure what I was/wasn’t told. It’s two years so not sure if I can still get a debrief.

OP posts:

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 20/10/2022 21:33

I didn’t handle the pain well either OP,
especially with my first. I think it was partly due to the shock and fear of it. Yes, I knew it was going to hurt a lot but it didn’t really prepare me for exactly what was in store for me. The midwives and other staff were kind but told me I was using up all my energy crying and howling and wouldn’t have any left for actual
birth. They were wrong about that- I did have a natural birth (not by choice, I wanted all of drugs pretty soon into labour) but I had zero energy after the birth and was completely overwhelmed.

Caramac555 · 20/10/2022 21:45

I think you can still get a debrief after 2 years. I was told you can apply years later. I considered getting one, my labour was super quick with my second and I honestly think I was in a state of shock when he was born. I had no pain relief, and the midwife managed to miss the birth by being out of the room.

I decided against it because I didn't think I'd get the answers I needed to hear. I thought I'd just be told well it all turned OK so nevermind, but actually it was a frightenin experience and I felt bitterly let down.

So I gradually let it go, and didn't have a third!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 20/10/2022 21:48

Maybe but it was your labour and you doing the birthing so your feelings were going important and make a difference to the whole thing. You’re only human.

Nursemumma92 · 20/10/2022 21:49

You will definitely be able to request your maternity notes so that could tell you if they documented the reasons why they chose to perform an EMCS.
I am not a midwife but my nursing role does cross into obstetrics, I haven't seen anything as cut and dry as someone being too hard work so they do a caesarean, but if women are getting very distressed and labour isn't progressing that the team may feel that this is the best option. They should discuss this with you to gain consent but obviously I know when in labour it's hard to focus on what they are telling you. Does your DP have any views on why they went on to perform an EMCS?

Cw112 · 20/10/2022 21:51

Our health Trust now provide hypnobirthing classes to try to help mummies manage the fear and anxiety in labour because reactions like the one you had are normal and they recognise how important a positive birth experience is in helping you feel good mentally after the fact. It sounds like you need to get a good sit down with a midwife to go through your notes and what happened on the day, what decisions were made and why they were made. Everyone reacts differently especially to medication and some women (myself included) have a very real fear of labour so you're not being unreasonable. You're right to say you want some answers and it's not fair to dismiss you with replies like "alls well that ends well" because birth is a big thing and it does sound like it affected you. Speak to your midwife because it's their job to debrief with you after your labour as well and help you process each stage and what happened. It sounds like you did well under scary and challenging circumstances and little one has a very tough mummy.

mistermagpie · 20/10/2022 21:53

Not the same scenario, but I had quite a traumatic birth with my first. I was in shock for weeks I think and then just sort of got on with life and put it behind me.

Then when I was in labour with my second child and I was in hospital the midwife came to check on my and just left all my notes behind. I started reading them and found out lots of things from my first birth that I never even knew and wasn't told. Nothing dramatic or anything, but things are wasn't really made aware of. Anyway this all helped me to piece things together about how the whole thing had unfolded, even just things like the timings etc.

The point of this is that all that stuff is documented and even two years later you will be able to read it at the very least, even if an actual debrief isn't possible. I learned that my baby was in distress, which I wasn't actually told at the time, but helped make me feel like my fear and panic wasn't just me being a drama queen!

As to whether you got a c-section because you were panicking or whatever, it seems unlikely to me that they would perform one of it wasn't necessary.

Original poster

Oriolewall · 20/10/2022 21:54

Thanks - I think I may ring the hospital tomorrow, would that be the right starting point?

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2022 21:54

I didn't handle the pain well with my first. It was a really shock. I had a lot of drugs and ended up needing ventouse (sp?) I felt a lot more in control next time.

Whoareyoumyfriend · 20/10/2022 21:56

For the trust I live in you would Google and then call the birth reflections team

Umbrellabee · 20/10/2022 21:57

I would get a debrief definitely. My second birth was very chaotic and I missed a lot of what was going on. It was quite traumatic. Later that day the consultant came to see us and she explained really clearly what had happened, her concerns at the time and why she made the decisions she made and it was very helpful. In the weeks after I could repeat her words and be clear in my mind what had happened and why. I really think it will help you to process it and hopefully move on.

Nursemumma92 · 20/10/2022 22:01

You can Google your area maternity services and see if they have a birth reflection service. This will be a midwife going through your notes to help you reflect on your birth so kind of like a debrief, albeit they are unlikely to be a midwife that was present at the time.
If they do not offer this service or it is not clear, speak to the PALS department of your hospital and they should be able to advise you of the process to follow.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 20/10/2022 22:03

Csection is done when it’s the safest option for mum and baby. Congratulations on your baby. Don’t think you did anything wrong. Nobody knows how it’ll impact them. You grew a beautiful baby. Enjoy x

CathyTre · 20/10/2022 22:09

My niece died as a result of the east Kent baby deaths incompetence, specifically the queen Elizabeth the queen mother hospital in Margate where the report has just come out. My niece, if she’d lived, would be eight now. She actually lived for eight days, and I was lucky enough to hold her on her only Thursday of life. so I think the main thing here is we should LISTEN TO LABOURING MOTHERS.

I hope you’re ok OP, and I hope the culture of childbirth in hospital changes. I’m lucky enough to have had three sections and three living babies. My wider family’s experience is such that it is never ever ever try for a vbac on the nhs.

CatsandDogs22 · 20/10/2022 22:30

If you hadn’t slept in 48 hours, how long had you been in some form of labour? You and the baby must have been exhausted, if nothing else. I have trouble believing they would do major surgery just because you were being a PITA. Labouring mothers aren’t exactly expected to be in top form.

Ask the hospital for a debrief, I understand the not really remembering bit - after my emergency c-section I really didn’t remember a bunch of detail but my husband managed to fill me in. But I could see how your support person might miss/forget it too.

CathyTre · 20/10/2022 22:32

And my niece was a full term, otherwise healthy baby. She died and caused her mother and my brother such irreparable pain because the hospital fucked it up and then tried to blame my niece’s parents?!

It’s an absolute scandal and the bitter sweet thing is that the report has shown how all the families involved are totally vindicated, but those babies can never be brought back.

it’s not my tragedy and I would never try and co opt it, but we as a family went through that funeral of an eight day old child and the suffering of the parents of those children is catastrophic.

my brother and his partner are such terribly strong people and I admire them for their responses (which are different I think) to their loss.

Realfastfoodie · 20/10/2022 22:33

It’s really not possible for you, as the mum, to have done anything wrong here. Unless you were verbally or physically abusive to the staff, which it doesn’t sound like, you did what you were meant to do. There are no prizes for being a trooper. There is no reward for being no trouble at all. You did what you needed and the staff did what they needed to do to keep you and baby safe. Well done.

wishuponastar1988 · 20/10/2022 22:36

You can make a subject access request via your trust and get a paper copy of all your notes which may help

CathyTre · 20/10/2022 22:40

It doesn’t help if they lie, which they did in my niece’s case and it took eight years for those lies to be expose due to the tireless and brave campaigning if the mothers and fathers.

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