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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not visiting mum before passing

36 replies

2020firsttimemum · 20/10/2022 19:32

My mum died nearly 7 years ago now when I was 21.

I live 3 hours away from my family, and she had cancer so we knew it was going to happen. When I had a call from my sister that my mum wasn't doing well, I drove straight down and stayed until she passed which was obviously horrific as no one wants to watch a love one pass away.

Now, my Nan is very sick. Drs have said she has less than 24hrs. She also, has been diagnosed with cancer amongst other things.

My biological father messaged me to tell me (we are not close, he has not been a good father but that's beside the point) and when I asked if he was going to travel to see her and be with her he said 'no, it's upsetting'

AIBU to think that a man in his 50s should do the right thing and be with his mum on her death bed?

My auntie is there with her, however I feel as if he's being VERY selfish.

I'm just not sure how I should approach conversation with him when we don't have a good relationship already, and now he can't even be bothered to be with his own mum

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 20/10/2022 19:34

It’s not your business to do it.

And your granny has your aunt with her so she has company.

I guess it’s possible they aren’t close and she wouldn’t particularly want your Dad there.

Sirzy · 20/10/2022 19:34

You can’t change who he is or how he deals with his grief.

You do what feels right for you and leave him to do what feels right for him

FayeGovan · 20/10/2022 19:35

Yes its not right but its his business

Do whats right for youFlowers

YellowHpok · 20/10/2022 19:35

What would you be hoping to achieve by such a conversation? Its unlikely to change the outcome. People process grief differently. I wasn't with my parent when they passed for the same reason and frankly you can do one if you think I'm a bad person for that.

Craftybodger · 20/10/2022 19:40

Yes this time should be about your Nan. Morally I would hope her son would be with her. But there’s no point in going if he can’t support her.

Rashgremlin · 20/10/2022 19:40

There's nothing you can do about it, which is completely shit because it's really, really wrong.

My dad left my sister and I to sit with our mum as she died - of the 5 days she was in ICU before her death, he was there for one of them because he 'couldn't deal with it.' We're still angry and resentful now, but there's no point in even bringing it up because it won't change anything. It's massively selfish behaviour and I lost a lot of respect for him.

CrotchetyQuaver · 20/10/2022 19:43

YANBU, but your father sounds selfish anyway from the little you wrote about him, so why should this be any different? If he did go he'd probably make it all about him, so maybe it's for the best he stays away and lets your aunt support his mother.

blubberyboo · 20/10/2022 19:44

I think all you can do is offer to support him if he changes his mind. A lot of people don’t want to be there but often are glad they did in the end.

my uncle didn’t want to go when my dad died but their sister insisted he give her a lift as she did want to be there. so he ended up coming and I don’t think he regrets it. He is probably glad that he can say he was a comfort to his brother. But you can’t force it. Everyone is very different with grief.

user1474315215 · 20/10/2022 19:46

Why is it wrong? Some people prefer to remember their loved ones as they were. I'm elderly and I would hate to think that any of my family members would feel obliged to be at my deathbed if they didn't want to be.

Caroffee · 20/10/2022 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lentilly · 20/10/2022 19:49

Are you going to visit her?

It's between your dad and his mum and his conscience

XenoBitch · 20/10/2022 19:49

My dad is similar.
My grandad asked for his sons to visit him in hospital when it was clear he was not going home. My dad refused as he wanted to remember him as well and at home.
My dad also has never visited me when I have been in hospital, yet creates merry hell if no one visits him.

Some people just don't want to face the reality of what is going on.

Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2022 19:52

It’s up to him.
I didn’t visit my father on his deathbed and I have no regrets

Cakeandcardio · 20/10/2022 19:59

Unfortunately I don't think you can do anything. I, too, am always amazed that anyone would prioritise themselves over a dying loved one. But it's also true that many people are inherently selfish. I always remember that it is much worse for those who are sick and dying. It's very sad for your granny but at least your aunt has done the decent thing.

YellowHpok · 20/10/2022 20:00

I was with him immediately when I got the call. Stayed 6 days. Actually couldn't take it any longer. We devised a rota, I just wasn't there when it happened. Others were. Sometimes caring for people we love takes absolutely everything out of us and we have no more to give.

Doesn't sound like the case here, but grief isn't a one size fits all.

YellowHpok · 20/10/2022 20:01

Sorry that was in response to @Caroffee who was replying to me. MN needs an edit function.

Maytodecember · 20/10/2022 20:05

If he’s that reluctant to be there it’s probably better he’s not.
I’ve known a few men who didn’t want to be in difficult situations “because it was too upsetting” including a relative whose husband left her in labour with the first baby ( and the following ones) because it was “too upsetting” for him.
Concentrate on your Nan and your family who you care about and who care about you. I think your DF is a lost cause.
And I’m sorry about your Nan. 💐

PeloFondo · 20/10/2022 20:07

I get it. My dad wouldn't be with my mum when she died as "he had said goodbye"
I was cross that when you've been married nearly 50 years you would want your husband with you when you die!
He couldn't do it, so I sat with her as she died instead

NormaTheWife · 20/10/2022 20:07

My ex BIL stopped going to see his Dad when Dad was ill with cancer. He was in his 60s. How pathetic is that? He couldn't handle it .Karma bit him on the arse though because his wife suffered a very traumatic death last year.

Energypanic · 20/10/2022 20:16

Would she even want him there? When my nan passed recently she only wanted two of her four children with her at the very end. She felt comfortable being that vulnerable with them but not with the others. Her wishes should be what is important here.

girlfriend44 · 20/10/2022 20:16

None of your business sorry. He will do what's right for him anyway.

AintNoThang · 20/10/2022 20:22

Absolutely none of your business.

My close family member died recently. I absolutely did not want to be there at the end. I spoke to my therapist about this at length. She agreed that I should deal with my grief im the way I could handle.

I had absolutely no wish to be there at the end or to see their body. I loved them very much, but I could not handle it.

Lawandsawdus · 20/10/2022 20:25

Your Nan may not want him there. I’m dreadful with illness and very much fear I’d make things worse in last moments not more peaceful or easy for the person dying.

Original poster
2020firsttimemum · 20/10/2022 20:31

Just for reference, yes she would have wanted him there unfortunately.

I think I'm just annoyed and upset for her that even in her moment of need he can't be there for his mum and ultimately his sister too.

I also think that him telling me all the details is almost like his way of 'making it up to me' for being a shitty father but it's doing quite the opposite.

I'm sad for her. I'm sad for my auntie

OP posts:
Terrysnotmine · 20/10/2022 20:34

I was there when my father passed. No other members of the family could cope with being there. It wasn’t exactly a choice, but rather a had to. Not everyone just drifts off to sleep, you have no idea how anyone’s final moments will do you are being unreasonable to expect someone to be present when they don’t want to be. Some people prefer to remember people as they were.

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