Not visiting mum before passing

[2020firsttimemum]

My mum died nearly 7 years ago now when I was 21.

I live 3 hours away from my family, and she had cancer so we knew it was going to happen. When I had a call from my sister that my mum wasn't doing well, I drove straight down and stayed until she passed which was obviously horrific as no one wants to watch a love one pass away.

Now, my Nan is very sick. Drs have said she has less than 24hrs. She also, has been diagnosed with cancer amongst other things.

My biological father messaged me to tell me (we are not close, he has not been a good father but that's beside the point) and when I asked if he was going to travel to see her and be with her he said 'no, it's upsetting'

AIBU to think that a man in his 50s should do the right thing and be with his mum on her death bed?

My auntie is there with her, however I feel as if he's being VERY selfish.

I'm just not sure how I should approach conversation with him when we don't have a good relationship already, and now he can't even be bothered to be with his own mum

Sorry for the loss of your mum @2020firsttimemum, and soon to be the loss of your nan.

I was with my mum when she died. I was also 21, but it was 20 years ago. It was the worst moment of my life, but also a moment I now look back on and I feel comfort from being with her. It was a very private moment, one that only me and my middle sister share. Our youngest sister was too young and was with dad.

Ultimately, it is your dad's decision. We all deal with death in different ways. He will have to live with his decision, and I don't think there is much for you to say to him about it.

For what it's worth, I don't think YABU with your thoughts. It is his decision though.

So sorry to hear about your nan.

No, your dad can make his own decision. When my mum was dying, I was with her but my brother just couldn't do it. He wanted to remember her how she was.

That was absolutely fine. We all know he loved her, and so near to death she was not really conscious. I told her how much we all loved her, how she should rest and we'd all be okay.

He was as broken up as all of us, but his decision was right for him, and my mum would have known and understood.

You have no right to judge how someone manages their grief. I didn't stay up all night to be with either of my parents as they died but I'd been with them for several hours in the days leading up to death. You just said yourself it's horrific watching someone die. You have a choice. You chose differently. Don't be a martyr about it.

If you would not want to die alone yourself, you should surely be there for a dying parent if you can (it may not be possible of course). I don’t think it’s really about what is most comfortable for the visitor, it’s about the person dying and their emotional needs.

Your father is your father, even if not close. He is responsible for his own actions. I think I would be disappointed even if I expected that he wouldn't. Being disappointed doesn't make an awful person. It makes you an empathetic person.

That says, having no close relationship with him, I would try to let it go as it will make you unhappy. :/

And I'm sad for you @2020firsttimemum

You've lost a lot, including your dad. I hope you have good people round about you. Be kind to yourself.

My kids know little of what went on with my dad when I was growing up . People do things for a reason I wouldn't ve quick to judge anyone for this you are only looking at it from your point of view.

They are soon going to be dead. The person will have to deal with their grief and the after effects of watching them die. Their emotional needs are more important. Not everyone can deal with seeing a loved one die, or view their body. I felt that I couldn't be with my DH while he died. He had been on the Liverpool pathway to death and didn't know who was there the two days before. I went to the hospital to be there while he was given the Catholic after death blessing and to be with my eldest while she viewed his body. I had all three of my children to see to etc etc and get on with life as a LP. If it will cause someone distress then it's selfish to want them there. We were happy to sit with people when I worked when I worked in residential and end of life care. No judgement was put on family members.

Not a good father and not a good son. There you have him. Do what's best for you and your grandparent.

I haven't read the rest of the replies - I don't think I can just yet in case some of them are a little too much.

My Nan passed away last night.

I think there is no need for any further comments in relation to the AIBU.

Thanks for your opinions