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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU- male boss got emotional during 1-1 - feeling guilty

41 replies

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:37

Holy crap this is long sorry.

New ish job at a charity, giving frontline advice to extremely ill clients, I'm in my 40s, career change to do something worthwhile.
Training has been v unstructured, I have been flexible and cheerful, as I wanted to do this.
but...
I have been really struggling to learn the ropes and one of my managers (I have 2, one male 1 female) does not hold back telling me, making public comments about my standard of work and last week sent a v snide odd email. I fwdd it to my other (female) manager who i get on well with as i am on probation and the email made it look like i wasnt going to get through. She said email was v wrong in tone and escalated it, of course im gonna get through probationary period etc, but she's moving sideways to another dept, like byeeee.. I de-escalated it of course.

Today was my 1st ever 1-1 with male manager and he kept me waiting 20 mins, said it was a 360 performance review, and he was awaiting stats on how well I'd been doing in terms of case numbers. Mentioned my probationary period, how i might not make it through, how concerned he was and why was I not picking up stuff quicker etc, while another new recruit (under other manager, works more hours, much younger) is doing great.

I came up with a few solutions (e.g agreeing specific time specific targets, agreeing on expectations, identifyihg areas i need training in as id been asked to do) but also asked whether I could contribute to the agenda of the 1-1, and that my understanding of a 1-1 was as an opportunity to get to know each other better, break down barriers and focus on..wel...me.
He huffed and said 'well I jist asked you what your issues are"
I then said the way he gave feedback was at times problematic for me, e.g being told how disappointed he was in my progress in week 3 after I had interviewed so well, i said how I didn't like comparisons to other employee etc. He flat denied he'd said that and we just stared at each other in disbelief.
Then he welled up. He said he was going to call the meeting to a close.
I managed to bring it back by praising his work amd knowledge and dedication (all true). The rest went OK.he went on to compare me to other employee. I joked that I was a cow sometimes, I guess it was the shock that made me say it, and he said hahaha not all the time.

So we left it that he's not going to change an inch and I have to suck it up but we can at least be civil.
2 aibus: aibu to feel guilty I nearly made him cry, I really want to not be a cow,
and /or
Aibu to think this is shit and I should leave? Will I be employable? I was only in my last post for a year as charity funding ran out, before that 6 years in a more corproate post.

OP posts:
hoowhoo · 18/10/2022 19:40

Sounds like a mess OP, and if he's in charge might be worth looking elsewhere

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:43

He says really off odd things. My colleague noticed he speaks totally differently to a new male colleague.
Houston
...do we have a problem? He is older than me.

OP posts:
Alibro79 · 18/10/2022 19:44

YABU for backing down cos the dickhead turned on the waterworks.

Idontevenknow · 18/10/2022 19:44

So he was insulting you and then when you raised issues he started to cry, and this resulted in your praising his work and him continuing to be an arse?

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:44

@hoowhoo yes it is what it is. Thanks for reading my rant. Hate the way a 'career'can go to shit.

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 18/10/2022 19:44

Start looking for a new job, he's an absolute cocktail. Can give out criticism but can't take it. It won't ever get any better.

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:45

@Idontevenknow oh shit I've let myself down havnt I

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 18/10/2022 19:45

Don’t you feel guilty - you very rightly were open with him about how his style isn’t particularly constructive. His emotional reaction to that isn’t your responsibility. He’s a manager, he’s human of course but it’s part of his job to receive feedback from his reports even if it’s not glowing praise.

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:46

Alibro79 · 18/10/2022 19:44

YABU for backing down cos the dickhead turned on the waterworks.

😃 yes he's a first time manager. Can you tell?

OP posts:
Createausernamehere · 18/10/2022 19:46

YABU for telling him how wonderful he was when he started crying. Would have been wiser to end the meeting there.

He sounds like hard work and he won’t change
can you look elsewhere? Cite him being Mr negative in your resignation letter

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:47

@Sparklesocks thank you. I think I have maybe imbibed a fair amount of people pleasing stuff over the years hence the guilt.

OP posts:
Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:48

@Createausernamehere am I not totally unemployable now though? I've only been there 3 months

OP posts:
Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:49

Have to serve up food now thanks for responses will check back x

OP posts:
MsMoody · 18/10/2022 19:51

If you get asked at interview why you’re moving on so quickly, be honest and tell them the place is a shambles! I wouldn’t let it hold you back.

Idontevenknow · 18/10/2022 19:54

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:45

@Idontevenknow oh shit I've let myself down havnt I

No you haven't let yourself down. He's unprofessional and not going to change. I would look elsewhere

AffIt · 18/10/2022 19:55

So your manager, who has little to no experience of being a manager, repeatedly does you down with passive aggressive comments, uses your 121 to talk about another employee and then cries (CRIES) when you mention that none of this is ideal?

Fuck that, buddy. You need a new job or to make sure you get yourself aligned with your manager.

AffIt · 18/10/2022 19:55

Sorry, I meant: make sure you get aligned with your OTHER manager.

WizardOfUK · 18/10/2022 19:55

He sounds awful... he can't give constructive feedback without being rude and cruel, and when you give him feedback he cries. I think you need to speak to his manager and explain what's been happening as he clearly needs support to do his role

AffIt · 18/10/2022 19:58

Battagliaxe · 18/10/2022 19:48

@Createausernamehere am I not totally unemployable now though? I've only been there 3 months

Absolutely not: almost everybody has an 'oh fuck' couple of months on their CVs past their early 30s, me included (I had a horrible job when I was about 36 that I only lasted six months in. Nobody to blame per se, it was just a bad fit all round).

Sometimes things just don't work out. It's fine. Good recruiters / hiring managers understand that.

tickticksnooze · 18/10/2022 20:00

I'd probably wait and see whether he changes anything having had time to reflect after the discussion. Most people can be a bit defensive on the spot. Especially if you're the first person to point out to him how a 1to1 should actually work (well done you for that btw).

EleanorLucyG · 18/10/2022 20:02

No you're not totally unemployable. Don't let fear keep you somewhere you're being treated badly.

Next time let the idiot cry don't be manipulated into stroking his ego.

How you didn't say "because you've not trained me adequately, you make unprofessional negative comments in front of others that undermines me and knocks my confidence and causes me to lose focus" in response to his questions about your supposed underperforming, I'll never know.

He doesn't like you, he's treating you badly, he's threatening you with being fired for his failure to adequately train you and expecting an ego boost from you to boot!

Let whatever happens happen, you'll have lost nothing. Working there long term will be hell and he'll slowly destroy you, unless you can move swiftly to a new department with another manager.

Why did you de-escalate the complaint? How did that help you? It just gave him the green light to treat you even worse. You basically said "treat me how you like, I'm too scared to complain and I'm terrified of losing my job" with your actions. That's not going to gain his respect.

Good people will respect you automatically. If you want the other sort to respect you, you first need to respect yourself. Which means not taking undeserved shit from dickheads.

MakkaPakkas · 18/10/2022 20:12

He's a knob. You are not unemployable.

Safer · 18/10/2022 20:23

I really wish you'd ask him if it was that time of the month......

Broke101 · 18/10/2022 20:27

I would run from there op

pattihews · 18/10/2022 20:28

Whenever the subject of life's regrets comes up, I always say that I bitterly regret sticking in jobs where I was badly and cruelly managed by insecure misogynistic, narcissistic fools. It was only later in life when I worked with a good manager who positively encouraged the best from me that I realised what I'd missed out on. A good manager makes life so much better.

I'd suggest walking away now, OP, and seeking someone who'll treat you decently. Like marriage, don't settle for a knob.

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