WIBU- male boss got emotional during 1-1 - feeling guilty

[Battagliaxe]

Holy crap this is long sorry.

New ish job at a charity, giving frontline advice to extremely ill clients, I'm in my 40s, career change to do something worthwhile.
Training has been v unstructured, I have been flexible and cheerful, as I wanted to do this.
but...
I have been really struggling to learn the ropes and one of my managers (I have 2, one male 1 female) does not hold back telling me, making public comments about my standard of work and last week sent a v snide odd email. I fwdd it to my other (female) manager who i get on well with as i am on probation and the email made it look like i wasnt going to get through. She said email was v wrong in tone and escalated it, of course im gonna get through probationary period etc, but she's moving sideways to another dept, like byeeee.. I de-escalated it of course.

Today was my 1st ever 1-1 with male manager and he kept me waiting 20 mins, said it was a 360 performance review, and he was awaiting stats on how well I'd been doing in terms of case numbers. Mentioned my probationary period, how i might not make it through, how concerned he was and why was I not picking up stuff quicker etc, while another new recruit (under other manager, works more hours, much younger) is doing great.

I came up with a few solutions (e.g agreeing specific time specific targets, agreeing on expectations, identifyihg areas i need training in as id been asked to do) but also asked whether I could contribute to the agenda of the 1-1, and that my understanding of a 1-1 was as an opportunity to get to know each other better, break down barriers and focus on..wel...me.
He huffed and said 'well I jist asked you what your issues are"
I then said the way he gave feedback was at times problematic for me, e.g being told how disappointed he was in my progress in week 3 after I had interviewed so well, i said how I didn't like comparisons to other employee etc. He flat denied he'd said that and we just stared at each other in disbelief.
Then he welled up. He said he was going to call the meeting to a close.
I managed to bring it back by praising his work amd knowledge and dedication (all true). The rest went OK.he went on to compare me to other employee. I joked that I was a cow sometimes, I guess it was the shock that made me say it, and he said hahaha not all the time.

So we left it that he's not going to change an inch and I have to suck it up but we can at least be civil.
2 aibus: aibu to feel guilty I nearly made him cry, I really want to not be a cow,
and /or
Aibu to think this is shit and I should leave? Will I be employable? I was only in my last post for a year as charity funding ran out, before that 6 years in a more corproate post.

People don't leave jobs they leave managers.

I think there's often a lot of truth in this, it looks like you've landed a bad one, so I'd leave.

Sounds exactly like my former employer where I was in a role I absolutely loved helping people with terminal illness but the 2 managers I had were appalling. I left a few months ago because they made me feel I was not good enough.
In hindsight I definitely was and my work was absolutely fine but I couldn't take the nitpicking and I started doubting myself.
Gutted, I still miss my job but not the staff.
All the best OP.

I think from what you've said I might do a similar type of job OP and my understanding of 1-1s is for supervision purposes to make sure that you're supported well in the role to be able to support others well. His approach to supervision sounds highly unprofessional and not at all what would fly in the charity I work for. I would be going back to him ahead of your next 1-1 and asking to agree an agenda in advance that you can also add to so you can make it as helpful as possible. I'd then start off the next 1-1 by talking about both of your expectations of each other in the 1-1 space - is it purely a managerial abs statistic review of your efficiency, or is it meant to be a supportive forum where you can explore practice issues and the nuances of the job and highlight any challenges for advice. Hopefully then you can both agree on what way your meetings will go and that they will be a two way conversation. I normally send a written agenda to my manager 2 days ahead of supervision and she responds with any topics she wants to add. We start with any safety issues and then move on to agenda items based on how important I feel they are. Supervisions should be minuted with discussed topics, agreed actions and timeframes etc and signed by both parties and available to both parties. If you are trying to address issues with him and he's continuously shutting you down or making it difficult for you then I'd be taking those minutes or the agenda items you're sending in advance and bring them to his line manager and explain that this type of supervision is not working for you, it's affecting your confidence and you'll have a record that you've asked to address certain issues and been overruled. You can then request to be supervised by another manager instead. And he needs to suck it to because its his job and if he's not doing it properly then that's on him to ask for further training in delivering supervision or management training. It's not your job to make him good at his or rescue him out of negative feedback.

*suck it up that should say! I'm also just thinking your organisation should have a 1-1/ review or supervision policy. I'd get a copy of it and see what it says against what you're experiencing.

This sounds utterly bizarre, and is not sustainable. Go see HR, flag him as having some serious issues, say you need a new manager. Follow up in writing, keep a written record in writing. If you can’t get a manager switch you are going to have to find a new job - but make sure HR know all about it.

He's sounds odd and incompetent.
Did he not receive any manager training?

If he implied you may not last there, I'd be sending out my CV.

Thank ypu so much for all your supportive comments. Nothing wrong with sending out a few cvs I guess. It is well amd truly a strange division of quite a strange place!

I can't decide whether to try and make it work for me, but he's just really odd.

As I'm still on probation I am reluctant to contact HR, I have no rights, not even contractual sick pay.

Start looking for another job. An unprofessional, insecure, sexist, misogynistic manager will be a constant thorn in your side. They will not change and will just use you to throw their weight around.

He sounds a bit gaslighty, needlessly cruel, manipulative and a bit misogynistic to add to the hat trick.

A few of my friends have worked for charities and I had assumed they would be very nurturing places to work but they sounded like hellish work environments. Completely not relevant OP but one of my mates moved from the charity to a vulture fund administrator type place afterwards and it was an extremely staff centric nurturing environment go figure eh..

Ask your female recently ex-manager to let you know if she gets any vacancies in her team, as you enjoyed working under her and feel you would thrive better there.

And yes put CVs out. There's no way you are going to be happy working for him.

Also: Watch your back. Please don't call yourself a cow again, or give him any more ammunition to use against you. Does the 360 degree feedback go elsewhere? CAN you send it somewhere else like HR? Make it factual.

And yes, the charity sector can be INCREDIBLY toxic to work in. I've worked for one charity that I loved, all be it was a bit odd, and two that were hell holes.

He sounds like a terrible (novice) manager but also doesnt have an ounce of humility and decency which is more worrying.
Use your judgement - from what you know of him, can you see him turning it around and becoming an ok manager? You don’t need experience to be honest, decent and want to get the best out of someone. I have to say it doesn’t look good.

Also yhere could be a chain of shit management - he could have learnt from what he experiences from his own manager which is even more worrying.

I’d look for another job. It sounds like you have skills and experience that could definitely be utilised by many other employers.

YABU for pandering to him and calling yourself a cow. Don't do that.

Then he welled up. He said he was going to call the meeting to a close.
I managed to bring it back by praising his work amd knowledge and dedication (all true). The rest went OK.he went on to compare me to other employee. I joked that I was a cow sometimes, I guess it was the shock that made me say it, and he said hahaha not all the time.

FFS. You need to stop worrying about this stupid man;s feelings & start getting proactive within your probation period. Cultivate other managers & peers. Document all this man's oddities, criticisms, unprofessional ways of dealing with you. Request mentoring, ask for constructive feedback from other people, pal up with ther peer this man mentioned to you who (he says - no need to believe him) is doing better than you in probation. Ask for more training. Document that your training to date has not been up to scratch.

You already know you also need to work on the people-pleasing. You shot yourself in the foot with the exchange you described above. Can you go on a course, or get counselling, or some private assertiveness classes?

A slightly belated welcome to the charity sector, where managers magically become managers, and get no training in how to be a good manager!
Get him to confirm what was discussed in writing. Then leave the sector.

If you like the job, go for the jugular. You’ve found his weak spot. He’s a bully.