Another ‘nice guy’ not so nice

[Boosaidthecat]

Went out for drinks last night with friends from my industry, I’m seeing one of these men. (Monday’s and Tuesday are our days off).

Man I’m seeing got more drunk than everyone else towards the end of the night so myself and another friend took him back to his. When we got there he got really shouty and aggressive with me doing things like grabbing my face and pushing me back down onto the couch when I tried to remove myself worst was he took his belt off as he was getting undressed and threw it at me.

this morning he didn’t remember so I told him and I ended up minimising it and comforting him while he cried because HE was sad.

Ive been in this situation before. I know not all women are like this but is this a common female experience? Putting our own issues away for the sake of men. I’m so tired of it sometimes.

I have found in the past that someone will show you who they really are when they've had a drink.

Chose a man who's true self when drunk is someone who loves dancing and tells you how much they love you and maybe snores a bit more than usual. Not someone who assaults you and then gaslights you next morning.

Ok you now know who he is, are you staying ?

When we got there he got really shouty and aggressive with me doing things like grabbing my face and pushing me back down onto the couch when I tried to remove myself worst was he took his belt off as he was getting undressed and threw it at me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Gtfo the relationship.

Don't continue comforting someone who treated you like this drunk.

As others have said, I find alcohol lowers inhibitions and lets out what's in there.nif it isn't in there, it doesn't come out.

That's not even just verbal, that's proper physical abuse, coercion & aggression.

He's gas lighting and mind fucking you to accept it, minimise it and end up comforting him.

Get out of there.

No it’s not normal op you need to end it. The reason women end up in abusive relationships is they just ignore it when it happens. Till they can’t ignore it any more and they can’t get away. This is just the start. Next time will be worse. Becsyde he knows you will take that. What will you take next `? And the time after?

Yep, had exactly this but it escalated physically/sexually. When he 'came round' there were tears and a scene of him trying to drive home over the limit until i promised he hadn't upset me and i would never mention it again. I even bloody meant it at the time, he was "so distraught". Couple of days distance and I realised the manipulation and dumped.

I love getting drunk but I only ever get happy and lovey (ok, occasionally teary!), but i've never verbally, physically or sexually abused someone. If i did i wouldn't drink. It's no excuse and it will happen again.

He isn't the only ex who has been a dick when drunk but he was the most surprising because he was such a convincingly decent man. I'm a cynical person who thinks the worst of people but he still surprised me. I've given up on men now.

Chose a man who's true self when drunk is someone who loves dancing and tells you how much they love you and maybe snores a bit more than usual. Not someone who assaults you and then gaslights you next morning.

This.

Some people don't act like this drunk.

And it reflects their inner character.

I don't care whether it was the drink of not. He's horrible. Get out before it gets worse.

I was at work so have only just got back to this thread sorry!

I forgot to mention the other friend who was with us was a man and when I left the room I heard him absolutely lay into Him and call him out on his behaviour so I appreciated that even though it’s exactly what he should’ve done. It seems silly to praise a man on calling out another mans behaviour but we all know it’s actually a rarity.

have spoken briefly to the man I’m seeing. He’s very remorseful and said himself ‘I’ve drunkenly assaulted you’.
Ive said I need a few days in which I’ll get my head together and then end things but I know it’ll be an emotional thing if I do it today so I’m having no contact to collect my thoughts and then I’ll tell him it’s done.

Its the belt thing that sticks in my mind I’m replaying. I know people who’ve had a drink can be heavy handed but that was a purposeful action, a fucking belt as well.

RUN OP

I was once with an actual alcoholic and so in comparison this isn’t as bad. But at the time I really did just shut down and felt like I was back with that previous ex and it was scary to know my brain just shut down like that. The trauma was still very much there without me realising it

When we got there he got really shouty and aggressive with me doing things like grabbing my face and pushing me back down onto the couch when I tried to remove myself worst was he took his belt off as he was getting undressed and threw it at me.

Out of interest, what do you think his response would be if you got plastered out socially, he had to leave earlier than perhaps he'd liked to get you home and once there you grabbed his face roughly, pulled him back and shoved him repeatedly when he tried to leave and threw a belt or a boot or something at him when undressing etc.?

Would he accept it and be there comforting you in the morning? Would he have a good opinion of you? Would he be thinking "this one's a keeper" or would he be exciting stage left either quickly or backing away slowly?

(And you wouldn't even have the sane physical strength to use, accidentally or not, against him that he would against you).

I understand your question - is this something that women commonly do, put themselves 2nd to appease men. Yes it is. The film Men explores this quite well actually, there's a scene where a vicar puts his hand on her knee and she is visibly uncomfortable but doesn't move- it is subtle but really spoke to me. Once my eyes were open to it, I stopped doing it. Your eyes are open to it now too so I think this horrible episode is part of your journey to changing that too. Hope you're OK.

Its the belt thing that sticks in my mind I’m replaying. I know people who’ve had a drink can be heavy handed but that was a purposeful action, a fucking belt as well.

Yeah very aggressive and disdainful.

The face grabbing and pushing you around/obstructing you from leaving were not much better.

He’s very remorseful and said himself ‘I’ve drunkenly assaulted you’.

Boo fuckin hoo.

Ok, so he'll learn from fucking up this relatively new relationship with a good person and either give up drinking or get psychological help, right?

(Bet he won't).

So you were assaulted?

Why did you stay the night?

You should have gotten the hell out of there.

This isn't his first time behaving like that.

Don't be foolish and naive.

Any woman with a whit of sense dumps a man at the first whiff of aggression with drink.

YOU have chosen to minimise.

Not all woman do that.

Many would get the hell out of there , text him that he assaulted them and if he comes anywhere near them they will report him to the police.
They also would tell any mutual friends.

He's scum.
He's shown you that.
Believe him.

I was once with an actual alcoholic and so in comparison this isn’t as bad

The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

No "a level 4 bastard is not that bad cause I've been with a level 8 bastard before" psychology.

I’ve known plenty of folk with far too many ales in them to be sensible. To the very best of my knowledge, none of them acted like that.

But drink is not the problem. It is down the man who drank it.

I wouldn’t be giving it a few days to not be emotional about it. It requires an emotional response.

I disagree tbh. I got drunk for the first time in forever, had a one night stand with a complete stranger (while in a relationship and with someone who I'd never have looked at sober), stayed out all night. And ended up pregnant. It WAS out of character and fucked my mental health up.

Ah the old minimizing behaviour due to drink trick … Think of it as a lucky escape you have dodged a bullet there.

Never mind "not as bad", you can just be without him and be happy.

all good wishes

Good grief ^ this.

He sounds quite the catch. Have women lowered their standards? Are boys being raised by mother’s to have no manners and be disrespectful?

There is post after post on here about shit men. What’s happened to them?

DH, my dad, my uncles, cousins are all decent, hardworking, kind, honest men who have manners. They were raised well.

Where do women pick up these trashy men- raise your bloody standards fgs.

Then he shouldn't drink.

It is said that someone's true personality comes out when they're drunk.
He's shown you who he is.
There is no excuse for violence or sexual assault, drunk or not.
I imagine that you were raised to be a people pleaser rather than an assertive woman, hence your reaction to his action.
Don't be afraid to dump him op, you deserve far better and there is better out there, seriously.

It didn’t sound like a safe environment for you to stay in.

He doesn’t remember and he’s guilt tripping you into feeling sorry for him. He’s testing how much he can get away with. This won’t be a one off.