To not let DS’s ex come on holiday with us?

[nasri67]

Next week, we're going on holiday to visit FIL, we do this every October half term but DS is 17 now and he did seem to enjoy it last year, we think he might be a bit bored as he’ll be with 5 adults, a 9 yo and a 2 yo. A few months ago, DP told him ex could come with us (they were in a relationship then). They split up over the summer and have recently gotten onto ‘good terms’ although from what I've heard DS say to his friends, they seem to argue over silly things and not like each other again - the usual teenage stuff.

He still wants to bring the ex as DP said he could. I've asked if he wants to bring another friend, he's refused.

WIBU to say he can't?

DP isn't his dad and has said he doesn't think it's a good idea, he said ex could come whilst they were in a relationship. DS can't stay home as we hardly see FIL as it is and he can't be trusted to stay at home, and B&SIL are coming with us and he'd usually stay with them.

I agree with you OP, sounds a recipe for disaster. You don’t want arguing and drama on holiday.

I agree OP wouldn't do it as good likelihood relationship will deteriorate further before the trio, presumably you'd be paying for her as well. No way would I fork out for that set up.

DS doesn’t need to see FIL. It’s not necessary, especially when he’s not actually his grandfather.

He’s also 17. He can absolutely be trusted on his own because he could be living alone if he wanted. He’s an adult soon.

Also, you’re not married. They’re not your in-laws.

Why does your DS want to take her when they’ve split up? Does he want to get back together with her, and this is his way of getting his clutches into her? Or perhaps it’s the other way around? Either way It all sounds quite complicated and emotive and with raging teenage hormones in the mix too I think taking the ex along would be a recipe for disaster. Just say no, he needs a clean break.

How can you say the lad can absolutely be trusted to stay home alone? Have you met him? Even if you have, I very much doubt you know is as well as OP does!

@PinkSyCo Because he’s 17. If he can’t be, he has been failed and parenting has gone very wrong somewhere.

Why would DS want her to come if all they do is bicker?? That sounds exhausting!

I'd say no.

I'm a bit nervous about leaving DS who will be 17 home alone when DH and I go away for a week next summer. Not because I'm a crap parent who has done a rubbish job, but more because I'm worried he'll invite a few mates over and it will escalate and get out of hand.

@YellowTreeHouse oh for gods sake, don’t be ridiculous. Plenty of 17 year olds would see their parents being away as a chance to have friends round, or have a party, and it can very easily end up out of their control with friends inviting friends and the house getting trashed. They’ve not ‘been failed’. They’re just being teenagers and most teenagers do stupid things at times.

If they're happy to be sharing a room and have recently become closer, I'd hazard a guess that their relationship isn't quite over. I have friends who are exes but would never have shared a room with them soon after splitting up.

I think that the fact that you don't trust him to be home alone indicates that this is the tip of the iceberg of your issues with him though. He will be an adult in less than a year, he really should be independent and responsible by now.

Absolutely no way due to them sharing a room but no longer being partners. What if one or other felt pressured into sex?

Or he’s just a normal teenager who’s brain isn’t fully developed yet, so prone to silly and/or impulsive behaviour.

@YellowTreeHouse that's a bit narrow minded saying FIL is a blood relative therefore isn't entitled to a visit from DS. You don't know the family set up and you don't have to be a blood relative to be a family.

I would have a chat with him to understand why he wants her to go and not another friend.
i would also speak to her separately to ensure that she is aware of the sleeping arrangements, and how she plans to get back home if she wants to leave earlier.

As for failing as a parent. What a load of tosh. I won’t be able to leave mine alone for a week due to him not being nt, same with millions of others.

Sounds like a very boring trip for a 17 year old with little siblings. Reduce the length of the trip to three nights and leave your son at home. You are being terribly controlling.

What a drama!! Of course let the lad bring his ex. Can't imagine them bickering on hols, the causes of them bickering will surely be at home? Get yourselves off & enjoy!

Sounds like a very boring trip for a 17 year old with little siblings. Reduce the length of the trip to three nights and leave your son at home. You are being terribly controlling.

daft reply. The reason they go so seldom is because it's so far away so reducing the time is stupid.

I would say: the friend can come but they have to either pay for own accommodation if it gets uncomfortable, or pay for immediate return. Two arguments and they're gone.

But frankly? nope. I would say that the offer was made as they were a couple, now they aren't it's not happening.

I would let him bring her but tell him that in letting this happen you’re trusting him to be mature and not let their relationship spoil the trip and if it does they both need to leave and find their own way home.

Speaking as a former teenage girl, how do you know your DS isn't being tone deaf to her heartbreak? She might be hoping for a reconciliation in which case bringing her along might give her false hope and doesn't sound fair at all.
I went away with an ex of mine in similar circumstances in my late teens. We had been together for a year and his family, especially his young niece adored me - and I was desperately hoping to get back together with him. I read the invitation as a positive sign but he spent the whole trip blowing hot and cold with me and meanwhile messaging other girls, and I was (privately) devastated. It was a very unhappy and awkward week for me.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Another pointless run of goady posts where you attempt to be controversial.

Probably time for another name change?

You can’t imagine 2 mixed up teenagers arguing on their ‘hols’ when they’re forced to share a room and spend 24 hours together for days on end? Are you for real?

As someone pointed out they are probably not completely over yet. I would have a chat with him about your and his expectations and I would chat with her separately to check that she still wants to go on the trip with you, share a room with your DS, etc.
I think that they both need to think carefully about how the trip fits into their current relationship.
By the way everything could be rosy before the trip and then they could fall out on the very first day.

@PinkSyCo Well, it's not Putin that he'll be sharing with!
Personally I think it'll work out fine. ;-)

We had similar dynamic going on with same aged DS.

Having witnessed the fall outs, the tears, the depression, the demands, the back together but really we are 'just friends' I'd say no way.

We had this during a family holiday this summer and it was so challenging, I so wish we'd stayed home and saved the money as the holiday wasn't cheap. I know your stay away is slightly different.

So my advice is to say absolutely no. Do not take her with you. Your son can stay home if he can't be without her and figure out his relationships without messing up family time.