Is this abuse?

[whattodo22222]

Can anybody help me determine whether this is abuse please? I'm suffering from PPA so don't know if I just need to give my head a wobble here, please be gentle. DD is almost 5 months old and is trying to crawl. Today she was moving around the living room floor and got her legs positioned either side of the sofa leg so she couldn't move them how she usually does. She got frustrated after a little while and started crying. I went to pick her up and her dad said "no leave her, she needs to learn how to do it". We have had clashes in the past over parenting where he's said I don't let him do anything his way (this is accurate). She then became really distressed and he was telling me to go away instead of comforting her saying that I can't always do everything for her. My argument is that she's less than 5 months old and she doesn't understand 'doing things for herself', she's already learning and taking in so much every day. Was it abuse or neglect to let her cry like that? I would say she cried for probably 5 minutes which felt like a life time to me, before he picked her up. She sounded more distressed than she has ever done before. I think the whole episode lasted around 10 minutes until she was settled again.

I'm just posting on here because I think I might need a reality check from other mums :(

Not okay.

this one incident I would hesitate to class as abuse, but I would be very concerned about your partner’s approach to parenting if this is the norm.

I am also concerned that you felt you couldn’t ignore him and help your child? Are you scared of him?

I'm not scared of him physically but he has said many times that my approach to parenting is "my way or the high way" and I'm getting really tired of arguing. I co-sleep and breastfeed and always respond to her and he thinks this will make her too needy. He's parenting how he was parented and I really don't like it but I don't want to argue every single day.

I think your DH was being unreasonable expecting her to learn to crawl at 5 months, that would be exceptionally early. It's not abuse though - but you do need to talk expectations with him because this age is too young to 'learn' negative behaviours from adults being caring (indeed generally children won't learn any bad behaviours from normal levels of non-smothering) caring

5 mins of crying is not neglect, it really isn't. People overuse the phrase - 'neglect' is profound, ongoing and it's highly unlikely that any parent who is concerned about how their actions impact on their child is capable of neglecting them; the whole point of neglect is that the parent doesn't care about their interaction with their child. So by definition pretty much, if you're worried about neglect, you're not doing it.

Definitely not abuse. But I agree he needs to give his head a wobble if he thinks caring for a 5 month old is going to make them needy.

Thank you, I had a feeling I was catastrophising it. We do have a debate almost every day about how I can't spoil her at this age.

I have three children - my baby gets left like that multiple times a day so I'd not call it abuse!

I think increasing their tolerance for dissatisfaction over time is important - so to struggle through tricky things in order to make progress - but maybe your OH is a little too much on that side? You still want them to know you're nearby and they're fundamentally safe iyswim?

My abusive XH used to say that I was like this, "my way or the highway". He was just projecting. He is like that, not me.

I do think your DH needs to understand that 'caring' isn't 'coddling'. Yes, you can let a child struggle for a little time, and that's healthy (although I'd say it's not really helpful when they're tiny, say under 9 months or so) but responding or intervening isn't being over-the-top and won't 'spoil' them somehow.

I wonder if it's worth going on some parenting courses perhaps, given that sound as though you're coming from different extremes where you're overly worried about doing harm by not doing enough and he's overly worried about doing harm by doing 'too much'?

Whereas the truth is kids are quite resilient and you don't need to sweat either extreme so much. So perhaps hearing some explanations from someone well qualified will help you both, and your baby, and reduce potential friction.

I can't believe one particular response.. And I am def not a soft touch dm.

The thing is op it was 5 mins this time. Would he leave ds to cry indefinitely if he was alone with your dd?

If my DH said to me ‘my way or the highway’ he would be handed a map.

This was not abusive.

the guy has an opinion and he is allowed to air it - the fact that you have different approaches to parenting is going to be a real pain and by the looks of it is going to cause major issues in the future

your way nor his is not necessarily wrong

I don't think its abuse, just sounds like different parenting styles.

That said, it depends a bit on context and what else is going on. If he leaves her all night in wet nappies, crying out and not being responded to, if he ignores her in the day when she cries for something, or need's something, if he doesn't feed her when looking after her alone, if he leaves her in her cot all day while he watches TV. Now that would all be significant neglect.

I don’t think it’s abuse but it’s not something I would tolerate. If I ever wanted or needed to comfort my tiny baby no one would be allowed to stop me doing that.

And agree with previous posters, if you already have such different parenting styles at 5 months then you have a long and difficult road ahead. The toddler years test even the most united parents.

You are not an abusive mother.
You are not an abusive mother.

but your DH does sound unreasonable.

Not abuse. Everyone has a different style.of parenting and it often seems as though men don't agree with being as hands on or as close as the mother would be. Sorry OP I don't know how but you're going to have to negotiate a way round this with your partner

No.

This. It’s not abuse, but he was unnecessarily unkind to the baby IMO. She’d got stuck and was distressed.
He is plain wrong about what this will achieve though. As pp have said, a 5 month old isn’t going to learn “doing things for herself” like this. Even at 5 years old, if the child has reached the point of real distress it’s time to intervene, and leave the lessons for another day. I’d be concerned about what he’ll be like with her as she gets older. And with you - I wouldn’t put up with repeatedly being told not to pick up my crying tiny baby.
I think your way is right, and he sounds clueless (making her needy?? She’s 5 months old!) Men being jealous of their babies is a thing, especially if the baby is breastfed. Maybe he doesn’t like you giving her so much attention, even though that’s what being a young baby’s mum is all about.

I'd tell him to back off big time!

It’s a difference of opinions, not abuse. Sounds like you have a bit too much time on your hands and are over analyzing everything. Don’t make out a normal man is an ‘abuser’ - it’s an insult to those genuinely suffering abuse.

Sounds very worryingly controlling. I am surprised people are minimising this. Blocking you from helping your daughter and forcing you both to suffer. I would view it as emotionally abusive towards you. Also creating arguments every single day - he is really trying to make your life very difficult. The fact that you need to note you’re not physically scared of him also implies it has crossed your mind.

He wouldn't leave her to cry indefinitely and he wouldn't leave her hungry or in dirty nappies. He was quite hands on when we came home from hospital. I don't think he understands exactly where she's at in terms of development and just how much she needs us at this age. At the same time, I might tend to be overbearing and over protective. We had a traumatic birth and I've spent a lot of time worrying that about doing the best for her, it was perfectionism and everyone knows that's not possible with motherhood.

This.

I don’t like how he told you not to respond to your crying 4/5 month old, forbade you to help her out when she was stuck. The threat of an argument hanging over you. It sounds like he is wearing you down and yes it sounds controlling.

It sounds worrying to me that he is so unsupportive of you. He sounds unkind and even antagonistic.

These are red flags for me.

I may have read this wrong, but seems like he has said you don't 'let' him do things his way with regards to parenting, which you describe as 'accurate'.
Is the aforementioned not indicative of you being the one with control issues?
He was unreasonable to have tried to stop you from supporting/comforting your baby, but you were totally unreasonable to have passively accepted this and allowed your baby to remain stuck.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong here really. If you lift baby then i think that's fine, but equally if you pause and wait (assess baby is safe etc) to see if baby tries again to pull themselves up or unstick themselves etc then I think that's fine too. Being frustrated isn't necessarily something super harmful we all need to learn to manage frustration as a way to promote perseverance and resilience but it really depends on how its done. In fact many forms of gentle parenting would promote this where the parent reassures the child without 'rescuing' them straight out of the scenario if it's a safe setting for them to be in. It does sound like you are working hard to build a really beautiful bond with your baby but I find it strange others are saying he's controlling when you're the one admitting that parenting is your way or the high way? You sound like you need to trust him a bit more and let him also bond with baby, and he sounds like he needs to do a bit more research into attachment and bonding so he can learn that it's impossible to spoil a baby at that age, it sounds like he's also going on some outdated advice. But I wouldn't class this as abusive behaviour, just a difference in parenting styles and I think it's a bit unreasonable to accuse him of child abuse because he disagrees with you.