Is this abuse?

[whattodo22222]

Can anybody help me determine whether this is abuse please? I'm suffering from PPA so don't know if I just need to give my head a wobble here, please be gentle. DD is almost 5 months old and is trying to crawl. Today she was moving around the living room floor and got her legs positioned either side of the sofa leg so she couldn't move them how she usually does. She got frustrated after a little while and started crying. I went to pick her up and her dad said "no leave her, she needs to learn how to do it". We have had clashes in the past over parenting where he's said I don't let him do anything his way (this is accurate). She then became really distressed and he was telling me to go away instead of comforting her saying that I can't always do everything for her. My argument is that she's less than 5 months old and she doesn't understand 'doing things for herself', she's already learning and taking in so much every day. Was it abuse or neglect to let her cry like that? I would say she cried for probably 5 minutes which felt like a life time to me, before he picked her up. She sounded more distressed than she has ever done before. I think the whole episode lasted around 10 minutes until she was settled again.

I'm just posting on here because I think I might need a reality check from other mums :(

My dd hurt herself once and l went to comfort her and dh said leave her be.
As a mum you know when your child is faking it and when they need you so he got a sharp 'what is the matter with you? She is a young child who has hurt herself now pack it in and let me see to her' and after that didn't questionbit again.
Not abuse necessarily but he needs telling.

@Cw112 It’s more than a pause if they leave her to cry for 5-10 minutes until she’s really distressed. 5 months is way too early for her to “learn to manage frustration” when she has her legs stuck. Resilience isn’t a thing for a 5 month old!

I don’t agree that OP should trust him more. He doesn’t have that parent’s instinct to comfort his child when she needs it, but wants instead for her to “learn” at too young an age. There have been at least 2 threads today about fathers being impatient and bad tempered with their kids - one comes home crying after a trip out with dad - that is not good parenting and the OP’s partner could be going that way.

This is such an every day standard interaction that it’s worrying it’s caused such an issue. To me, sitting watching a 5 month old getting upset and frustrated for 5 mins is quite a long time and I’d have picked her up a lot sooner- but that’s a judgement call and it depends how distressed she was, it’s not ‘abuse’ to have left her, in and of itself.

What’s a lot more worrying is that you wanted to pick her up and felt you couldn’t. You say ‘she cried for 5 mins which felt a lifetime to me, before he picked her up’ - suggesting you were also pretty distressed at her crying (which is normal!), but despite that, didn’t step in to pick her up because not causing an argument felt more important in the moment. Trust your instincts, put your DD first, and if doing so leads to arguments with DH then I think that’s a separate issue you need to look at.

It's his reaction to you I'm more worried about, rather than his reaction to your DD. I don't think it's abuse to let a baby cry for five minutes - we all have different parenting styles - but it does sound like controlling behaviour to force your partner to sit and listen to it and not let her pick up the baby when she wants to. He can disagree with your parenting style but I don't think he should enforce his upon you. You need to have a serious chat about how to manage your different approaches going forwards.

Neither of you is wrong. It’s a difference of approach.

I disagree with my partner on parenting things too sometimes and have to compromise so that I don’t inadvertently alienate him from parenting and make myself responsible for all parenting. But like you I wouldn’t compromise over the example you gave - I’d pick her up. I wouldn’t sweat what happened too much but perhaps identify other things that you can “give” him. Eg my partner gives my kids too many snacks and sweet things whereas I would never give them that stuff if I could - I have started biting my tongue about it because it’s not the end of the world, they’re healthy well-fed kids. And it means I’m more likely to win another battle that I do pick.

Also nothing you said makes me think you’re an overbearing mum. You’re doing great by BF and cosleeping and picking her up when she cries. It’s just your maternal instinct and I parent the same way.

When I say everything has been done my way, I am talking about feeding, sleeping and comforting. IMO there hasn't been much else to consider because she's only 5 months old. Given that I'm the primary parent (I've a taken a year for mat leave) and do 90% of the feeding and now all of the night shifts since he went back to work, I think I have the right to decide how to feed her and how to settle her at night. Is that controlling? I'm breastfeeding and he wanted me to bottle feed, we're co sleeping and he wanted to use cry it out, I baby wear during the day and he thinks I spend too much time with her attached to me. I feel like the big battles have gone my way and this one was just too much for me yesterday.

I was trying to let him do one thing his way. I don't think I can do that again though because I feel terribly guilty now. I really wish I didn't have to argue my point on these things because I'm just parenting in a way that feels natural to me. She's our only child and I have time off work, so why would I not respond to her every need iyswim?

I'm breastfeeding and he wanted me to bottle feed

Sorry but WTF? They are your breasts, this is your baby and you can do what you like!? Does he want your breasts back to himself? This is possibly one of the weirdest things I've ever read.

Also comforting, feeding and nursing a 5-month old is not 'spoiling' her.

I honestly think he's got the jealousy that all your attention is now focused on her, rather than him.

You sound like all your maternal instincts have kicked in and rightly so. She needs you!

At this stage of development your child is learning to trust that you will be there when needed.

when your child is a toddler then the stage of development is autonomy vs shame. So toddlers need to learn they can do things for themselves. At the toddler stage if a parent does everything for them then they lose confidence.

I think your partner has good intentions but isn’t aware of the the different stages of development. Show him Erickson’s stages of development