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AIBU?

DH not helping with baby

38 replies

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:24

Want some outside opinions. AIBU?
Been with DH for 13 years. We have 5 kids, youngest being 4 months old. 2 months ago when little one was 2 months old, DH decided he was joining the gym. He goes before work, at 2am. He works 6 days a week, going to the gym 4 of those days.
I’m knackered. I sort all 5 kids on my own including being up in the night with the baby. He won’t breastfeed so I express for him and then bottle feed which I have to do in the night too. AIBU for being so upset that he decided he just had to join the gym when we have a newborn meaning I get absolutely no help looking after him? Apparently me asking him to help me equates to me wishing I didn’t have the kids and that I want to give them up. I mean really?! Of course I want my kids, I just didn’t realise I was going to basically be a single mum to 5.
his brother often goes to the gym with him, and anytime he’s at home is just spends in another room texting his brother or asleep because he’s tired from being up at stupid o’clock going out. I’m tired of the arguing over this. I should be enjoying my newborn but instead I’m filled with resent. I am struggling with PND so maybe it’s me. But AIBU to think it’s ridiculous he’s going out at 2 in the morning? I’ve been told I’m possessive, controlling and insecure. To the point I can’t even ask him anything anymore like what time he’ll be home from work because apparently I’m being possessive and he should have to tell me where he is. Is it me? Do I need to let this go and give myself a kick up the bum, or am I right to expect him to help with our kids and right now wasn’t the time to start a hobby at a ridiculous time of day? I’m starting to question my entire marriage 😔

OP posts:
eldora · 17/10/2022 16:27

YANBU. You need to lose your shit at him, coldly and calmly.

Tell him to shape or get out.

MrMrsJones · 17/10/2022 16:27

He shouldn't be helping, he should be parenting his kids.

Work out some down time for you, where you're out the house and he is in sole charge. Even if you just go for a coffee or walk.

HellothereSH · 17/10/2022 16:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Ragruggers · 17/10/2022 16:30

Has he changed since the baby was born?Caring for 5 children alone is extremely hard.What can you do? He has opted out that is certain.Does he work after being at the gym?Can you afford help so if he doesn’t wish to do his share he pays.Good luck.

Ladylalaboo1 · 17/10/2022 16:30

MrMrsJones · 17/10/2022 16:27

He shouldn't be helping, he should be parenting his kids.

Work out some down time for you, where you're out the house and he is in sole charge. Even if you just go for a coffee or walk.

This! It's not helping he's the father he should be jointly taking care of his children with you? Is he having a midlife crisis? I would just stop doing everything and leave things to him or like PP said take time every week for you where he is solely in charge and see how he likes it. Will soon realise how bloody hard it is being a parent.

Candleabra · 17/10/2022 16:31

Are you sure he’s going to the gym?

takealettermsjones · 17/10/2022 16:32

He sounds like an arsehole. I wouldn't make any big decisions right now but you need to make it very clear this can't continue. Maybe sit down and come up with a written schedule?

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:32

It’s hard because one of our other little
ones is disabled and she just copes better with me doing all her care needs. I don’t really know what I’m expecting but I’m pissed off at him and I just can’t cope with feeling in this shitty mood all the time, it’s not helping my PND at all and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. But in his opinion he’s done nothing wrong

OP posts:
WizardOfUK · 17/10/2022 16:33

If he can get up at 2am for the gym, he can get up at 2am with the baby. Tell him he can start going to the gym when the baby sleeps through the night and when you can get as much free time as him. He's being a selfish twat

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 16:34

Sorry but are you sure it's his brother he's texting and going to the gym at 2am with? I hope so

Frida9 · 17/10/2022 16:34

Are you sure it's his brother he's going to the gym with and texting in another room all the time?

coconutpie · 17/10/2022 16:35

YANBU. Also, he shouldn't be "helping". He should be doing his fair share of parenting his children.

2am gym sessions? Are you sure it's the gym he is going to?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:35

Candleabra · 17/10/2022 16:31

Are you sure he’s going to the gym?

Yes and are you sure it's his brother he's texting.

You'd be better off splitting from him, you'd get maintenance and he'd have to give you a break every other weekend.

BuffaloCauliflower · 17/10/2022 16:36

He’s going out at 2am to the gym, is that correct or a typo? And he’s going with his brother and then always texting his brother.

I don’t want to throw oil on fire, but are you sure he’s at the gym? And are you sure he’s texting his brother? Has he lost weight/got a lot fitter from all the working out?

Heavenknows22 · 17/10/2022 16:36

Are they all his children?

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:36

Yes he goes to work straight from the gym. He has to pick 3 of the kids up from school because one of our little ones is disabled and I have to wait for the school bus to drop her off at home. But that only started in September and before that he’d just turn up whenever doing overtime most days. And I was unreasonable to expect him to let me know what time he’d be home. That’s not normal right? That he thinks it’s unreasonable to communicate with me?! But there have been a few times he’s f’d me over and I’ve had to pick the others up late after the bus has been because he decided to work extra anyway

OP posts:
Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:36

Yes they are all his children

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 17/10/2022 16:37

Go out and leave him to parent his children maybe that will show him how hard it is.

My friend had 5 kids with a useless man. After she threw him out people asked how she was coping and she said it was the same as he didn't contribute much to raising the children so she didn't lose much.

SirBlobby · 17/10/2022 16:38

He sounds like he's doing next to nothing. It's not acceptable leaving you to parent your 5 children, one of whom has additional needs and one being a small baby.

What exactly does he do @Pgj ?

I think you know you aren't being unreasonable. You need to think of yourself as well as the kids, as it sounds like you are now doing. if you let yourself frazzle out trying to manage it all and building resentment it'll make you feel worse physically/emotionally.

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:38

Yes I’m certain he’s at the gym. I don’t think he’s cheating on me or anything like that. Just being a bit shit

OP posts:
sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:39

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:38

Yes I’m certain he’s at the gym. I don’t think he’s cheating on me or anything like that. Just being a bit shit

Is he well buff? Because if not I wouldn't be certain he is at the gym.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 16:40

He seems to be finding any excuse to not be home- working late, going to the gym. I don't feel the need to go in another room to text my brother though?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:40

Could you book the equivalent time in on the family calendar and go out for the day?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:41

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/10/2022 16:40

He seems to be finding any excuse to not be home- working late, going to the gym. I don't feel the need to go in another room to text my brother though?

Yes what is that all about?

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 17/10/2022 16:46

I would tell him to be a partner and a part of the team or to fuck off. At the moment he is acting like a single, childless man. He has a partner and children that he is responsible for. It's not possessive or controlling to want to know when your going to get support during the day or to expect him to patent while he is home. He has a hobby 4 times a week but when is your down time when you are alone or doing self care. TBH it's not a wonder you have PND. Your exhausted, u supported and looking after 6 people. Putting all their needs above your own but no one is looking after you. You need to take time for yourself or you'll be no good for anything or anyone. Including yourself. Take care OP. You might need to ditch the dead weight if he doesn't sort his shit out.

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