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AIBU?

DH not helping with baby

38 replies

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:24

Want some outside opinions. AIBU?
Been with DH for 13 years. We have 5 kids, youngest being 4 months old. 2 months ago when little one was 2 months old, DH decided he was joining the gym. He goes before work, at 2am. He works 6 days a week, going to the gym 4 of those days.
I’m knackered. I sort all 5 kids on my own including being up in the night with the baby. He won’t breastfeed so I express for him and then bottle feed which I have to do in the night too. AIBU for being so upset that he decided he just had to join the gym when we have a newborn meaning I get absolutely no help looking after him? Apparently me asking him to help me equates to me wishing I didn’t have the kids and that I want to give them up. I mean really?! Of course I want my kids, I just didn’t realise I was going to basically be a single mum to 5.
his brother often goes to the gym with him, and anytime he’s at home is just spends in another room texting his brother or asleep because he’s tired from being up at stupid o’clock going out. I’m tired of the arguing over this. I should be enjoying my newborn but instead I’m filled with resent. I am struggling with PND so maybe it’s me. But AIBU to think it’s ridiculous he’s going out at 2 in the morning? I’ve been told I’m possessive, controlling and insecure. To the point I can’t even ask him anything anymore like what time he’ll be home from work because apparently I’m being possessive and he should have to tell me where he is. Is it me? Do I need to let this go and give myself a kick up the bum, or am I right to expect him to help with our kids and right now wasn’t the time to start a hobby at a ridiculous time of day? I’m starting to question my entire marriage 😔

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Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:47

Because I complained to him that he was spending all his time on his phone so the logical solution to him was to sit in another room. He’s at the gym because he has an app that goes through to the iPad which shows him logging in and out at the gym, so I know he is there. I’m not worried he’s cheating, but at the point I sometimes think it would be easier if he was to kick him out

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luxxlisbon · 17/10/2022 16:48

I just didn’t realise I was going to basically be a single mum to 5...I can’t even ask him anything anymore like what time he’ll be home from work because apparently I’m being possessive and he should have to tell me where he is.

Are you sure you weren’t basically a single mum when you had 4 anyway though?? It’s hard to believe someone could be a great involved father and then just totally flip.

I man obviously you aren’t unreasonable to expect him to parent his own children.
What are his working hours?

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sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:53

Pgj · 17/10/2022 16:47

Because I complained to him that he was spending all his time on his phone so the logical solution to him was to sit in another room. He’s at the gym because he has an app that goes through to the iPad which shows him logging in and out at the gym, so I know he is there. I’m not worried he’s cheating, but at the point I sometimes think it would be easier if he was to kick him out

Nah kick him out anyway he's basically checked out

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Putonyourshoes · 17/10/2022 16:53

I think you need to reframe your thinking. Your partner shouldn’t be helping you. He should be parenting. Him being a Dad shouldn’t be to help you, it should just happen. I think he is being abusive to suggest that if you complain about the unfair share of responsibilities, that you are saying you don’t want your children. Does he always twist everything you say?

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outtheshowernow · 17/10/2022 17:00

Affair

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Pgj · 17/10/2022 17:05

I do wonder if he’s having a midlife crisis and have referred to it as such. Our 4 year old has complex medical needs and she spent the first year of her life constantly in and out of hospital for months at a time and I stayed with her so he had no choice but to look at the oldest 3 and just get on with it. I think the last 4 years have just been a bit of a blur with her and hospitals and things but luckily she’s had a really good year so we’ve stayed out of hospital this year. But I feel like nobody has my back in all this and my husband should have my back and be my support right?! I think he checked out a long time ago and I just didn’t realise it until now. There’s no talking to him though, he’s right and that’s it so I think based on that it’s over and I’m grieving the loss of the future I thought I had.

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DeeCeeCherry · 17/10/2022 17:06

There is no way he's texting his brother for hours daily. He just isn't

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Liorae · 17/10/2022 17:07

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 16:35

Yes and are you sure it's his brother he's texting.

You'd be better off splitting from him, you'd get maintenance and he'd have to give you a break every other weekend.

He wouldn't have to give her a break every second weekend. Like so many men, he might choose to drop contact.

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Poptart4 · 17/10/2022 17:09

Working late, sudden new hobby (gym), refusing to tell you were he is or when he'll be home, gaslighting you when you dare to question him, spending all his time in another room texting "his brother".... OP there are so many red flags here. I'd be shocked if he's not cheating.

At the very least he has checked out of family life. Ask yourself seriously, what does he bring to the relationship/family?

Stand up for yourself OP, give him an ultimatum. Either he steps up or he moves out.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2022 17:14

I honestly think you need to pack a bag for him. Tell him you're already a looking after 5 children and you don't need to look after 6. And boot him out.

He is being a shit parent and a shit husband.

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Goldbar · 17/10/2022 17:15

Actions speak louder than words. Assuming he has weekends off, walk out Saturday morning leaving him with thy kids and message him that you're at the gym. If he calls/messages to tell you to come back, tell him to stop being controlling.

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Pgj · 17/10/2022 17:15

I should probably add that he starts work at 4.30am so although 2am seems an odd time for the gym it isnt necessarily. It just cuts even further into night time. He thinks he’s being “helpful” by going at that time
because at least the other kids are asleep

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2022 17:15

But he can't have been this shit all the way through, surely? Or why would you keep having kids with him?

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