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AIBU?

No effort on my birthday

35 replies

ChocolateCakee · 17/10/2022 13:47

It's my birthday today and he has only brought me a bunch of cheap flowers from the supermarket, no card from him or my DD no chocolates no effort, for his birthday I spent a fortune cause I wanted to make him feel special on his birthday brought him an expensive designer wallet, football shirt, cards from me and dd and dinner which cost nearly £150. I'm not asking for the same back just a little more effort put in to the day, he hasn't even planned to take me anywhere as he is asking me what I want to do... it's the same every year I'm just so fed up!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2022 13:54

Is he thoughtful in other ways? Some people are just shit at birthday stuff, some people are shit at organising. If he's asked you what you want to do , tell him:
"I'd like you to book a surprise restaurant for tonight, sort out a babysitter and buy me this dress.. here is the link."
Then in a few days/weeks tell him that you were hurt he hadn't sorted anything in advance, that birthdays are a big deal to you and that hopefully next year/on your anniversary/Christmas he will show his appreciation. If he gets it wrong again you will have to question whether he is a keeper.
Some men need things spelled out, but once you have done so, there is no excuse. I started having conversations withDH weeks in advance .. " on my birthday let's do x/ I'd love a surprise/this specific thing.
Happy Birthday.

Suprima · 17/10/2022 13:59

He’s not making you feel special because he doesn’t give a shit about doing so.

Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like this?

finallyme2018 · 17/10/2022 14:26

There no excuse for being like that about your birthday. My son who is asd knows birthday, Christmas, special events are important. As a single parent for years at first with my mums help but now he plans, spend alot of time researching things he thinks I'd like and saves his pocket money up to take me out for tea, (I put to but he doesn't know that) Spends ages in card shop choosing the right card. A grown man without learning difficulties should be able to pull off similar situations, personal next birthday id get him exactly what he got you maybe he needs to feel exactly how it feel when no effort is put into his birthday. Happy birthday hope someone else spoils you.

SummaLuvin · 17/10/2022 14:30

If it's the same every year why did you expect it to be different this year? Unless you spoke to him previously about how you feel?

The fact is it clearly hasn't occurred to him to go all out for your birthday, some people are neutral about birthdays, they don't really care that much, your DH might be one of them, so you will have to communicate that you would like him to make a fuss to make you feel special.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/10/2022 14:31

What happened last year? What’s he like with Christmas/anniversaries etc?

ddl1 · 17/10/2022 16:50

How is he every day? Some people just don't place a high value on birthdays. (It's very important to me NOT to be reminded of mine, but I realize that I'm unusual.) Does he expect you to go all out for his, or do you just choose to? At any rate, there's a difference between 'My partner never goes to any effort for me, EVEN on my birthday' and 'My partner is helpful and considerate every day, but doesn't treat my birthday as very special', and what I'd advise would depend very much on which of these it is.)

DaphneDeloresMorehead · 17/10/2022 16:52

DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2022 13:54

Is he thoughtful in other ways? Some people are just shit at birthday stuff, some people are shit at organising. If he's asked you what you want to do , tell him:
"I'd like you to book a surprise restaurant for tonight, sort out a babysitter and buy me this dress.. here is the link."
Then in a few days/weeks tell him that you were hurt he hadn't sorted anything in advance, that birthdays are a big deal to you and that hopefully next year/on your anniversary/Christmas he will show his appreciation. If he gets it wrong again you will have to question whether he is a keeper.
Some men need things spelled out, but once you have done so, there is no excuse. I started having conversations withDH weeks in advance .. " on my birthday let's do x/ I'd love a surprise/this specific thing.
Happy Birthday.

Don't make excuses. Everybody knows you go to effort for a birthday, particularly when your own birthday has been celebrated with presents abd a special meal.

Whistlesandbell · 17/10/2022 16:56

‘What would you like to do’
’I would like to go for a slap up steak meal, I’ll leave it to you book that?’

MRSE20 · 17/10/2022 16:56

You said it’s the same every year, have you told him how this has made you feel?
Why did you spend so much on him if you know he doesn’t for you

WizardOfUK · 17/10/2022 16:58

I'd be upset op and I wouldn't hold back in telling him why. I'd also point out the expense, time and effort you took on his birthday and not expect anything other than pants and socks at Christmas from you and the dc.

I think birthdays, especially when you have young dc should be special, it's the only day that's really yours and that you can have a fuss made over. Most dc enjoy spoiling their parents, but at a certain age that needs to be facilitated by the other parent.

SunneRising · 17/10/2022 17:05

Sort your own birthday. That way you get to spend it how you like with who you like, Book your favourite restaurant, buy yourself a dress you love, buy yourself some flowers and invite the people you love to share it. I've always thought birthdays are about giving not waiting for others to guess what you want. Once you change that mindset you'll have lovely birthdays. (And not everyone loves being "spoilt" on their birthday but if someone's made a fuss you have to pretend to like it).

A proper conversation is necessary.

DaphneDeloresMorehead · 17/10/2022 17:11

Whistlesandbell · 17/10/2022 16:56

‘What would you like to do’
’I would like to go for a slap up steak meal, I’ll leave it to you book that?’

It's a bit late for that now.

it just shows a lack of thought abd consideration for the person he is meant to love most. She has shown him she feels birthdays are important by making a big fuss of his.
why are women expected to think about abd plan everything, even what they want their DH to "surprise " them with ? Presumably the DH manages to hold down a job so he can't be that incapable. It smacks of complacency, lack of care and laziness to me.
i hope the OP doesn't bother with his birthday next year, he can see how much he enjoys being overlooked.
imo the cheap flowers make it worse, they say "I know it's your birthday and this is all I could be arsed with"

DaphneDeloresMorehead · 17/10/2022 17:13

SunneRising · 17/10/2022 17:05

Sort your own birthday. That way you get to spend it how you like with who you like, Book your favourite restaurant, buy yourself a dress you love, buy yourself some flowers and invite the people you love to share it. I've always thought birthdays are about giving not waiting for others to guess what you want. Once you change that mindset you'll have lovely birthdays. (And not everyone loves being "spoilt" on their birthday but if someone's made a fuss you have to pretend to like it).

A proper conversation is necessary.

is This really all we should be teaching our daughters to expect ? Sort your own birthday out as nobody else can be bothered to make you feel special.
I'm sorry your spouse has led you to expect nothing better.

SunneRising · 17/10/2022 20:06

I've taught my daughter that she doesn't have to sit meekly waiting for a man to "make her feel special". Especially if she expects him to guess what she might like, (and get it wrong probably - because it's very rare that "surprises" ever really work even if the recipients pretend they do).
She has arranged trips and parties and dinners and teas and I've arranged art galleries, lunches, walks and pubs - and invited, (not summoned) people to join for our birthdays.
People who come make us feel very special. It just makes sense - everyone feels happier if communication is clearer and more open.

(And I don't sit and wait to be "asked" to get married or go on a date or offered a job or anything really. ) But I accept that others don't feel the same.

Testina · 17/10/2022 20:10

Why do you say you don’t want the same back?
If you’re bothered enough to give 2 expensive presents, a card and an expensive meal out, why wouldn’t you also want that?

Honestly I’d be sympathetic if this was your first birthday that he didn’t bother with. Or if he never bothered so you’d stopped. But for god’s sake stop being such a wet lettuce! Why are you wasting all that money on him when he doesn’t care?

Shoxfordian · 17/10/2022 20:13

Why don’t you expect the same effort back? Has
he always been this useless?

dottiedodah · 17/10/2022 20:30

Just get him a card and some beers! See if he notices .maybe he just isn't that bothered who knows. Many people as they get older don't want to make a fuss.im with you still got my cards up 6 weeks later. Otherwise let him know where you want to go out to .some presents 🎁 on amazon for him to choose from for you

ChocolateCakee · 17/10/2022 21:01

Thanks for all your replies.... I think I just won't make the effort for him anymore, the only time we buy each other gifts is birthday or Christmas really. He does ask me what I what sometimes and I tell him but sometimes I just want him to make the effort and plan something for me on my birthday but this year I actually got nothing apart from cheap flowers, I would have loved a card. I know know maybe I'm just being a drama queen I'm 6 months pregnant and just feeling fed up 😞

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ChocolateCakee · 17/10/2022 21:05

The reason I do it for him is that I have a really big heart and love to make him feel special on his birthday with the hop that he would make me feel special on mine... but this year he's really taken the piss lol

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Thatiswild · 17/10/2022 21:07

You’re not being a drama queen, it’s rubbish. Happy birthday. I honestly think you need to tell him you feel disappointed when you make a big effort for birthdays and you got no card even, it’s just not ok and it’s ok to say it’s not ok. Not making an effort for his isn’t going to happen if you’re a thoughtful person and it would make you feel rubbish, tell him this isn’t good enough and that you will be buying yourself something lovely tomorrow and he can sort out a nice meal somewhere at the weekend. I don’t think hiding your feelings will get you anywhere and then hopefully next year he will make more effort.

Blowyourowntrumpet · 17/10/2022 21:07

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my DH is the same. It's crap isn't it.

CaronPoivre · 17/10/2022 21:11

Surely you need a conversation about expectations and what you want?

Stopthebusplease · 17/10/2022 21:14

You are definitely not being a drama queen!

I've written about this before, but I guess it might bear repeating. The first birthday that we were together, my then partner bought me some nice gifts, but didn't wrap them up, just left them for me to find when I came downstairs in the morning. I loved the gifts, but to me, it makes things so much more exciting when they are wrapped up, even if I know what I'm getting. It bothered me all day that he hadn't wrapped them, and eventually, after he'd gone to sleep that night, I found myself still niggled about it. In the end, I went downstairs, wrote him a note telling him exactly how I felt, ie, loved the gifts but it would have been SO much nicer if he'd wrapped them, and left him to find the note next morning. Every Christmas and Birthday since, I now have a beautiful pile of gifts to unwrap. So TELL HIM what you want. DON'T expect him to read your mind. We've now been together 30 years, that certainly wouldn't have been the case if I hadn't told him what I wanted from him. Relationships need to be worked at, and it's about time he did his bit!

ChocolateCakee · 17/10/2022 21:16

Sorry for all the typos just feeling upset today and my head is not in the right place xx

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ChocolateCakee · 17/10/2022 21:19

@Stopthebusplease @Thatiswild thank u both will take your comments on board, I will tell him how he made me feel today and if it's the same next year he is definitely not getting a present for his birthday lol

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