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To think forgiveness is not always necessary in order to fully heal?

108 replies

CoachGary · 16/10/2022 20:33

I'm getting a litte tired of seeing this narrative that you have to forgive in order to move on and heal.

Some things can't be forgiven, and that's OK too IMO.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

166 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
medianewbie · 19/10/2022 16:37

I was speaking to a priest last week. Aged around 60, he'd just done his 1st day of prison visiting. He was 'shocked rigid' by how much harsher women's sentences were compared to identical male crimes. Having worked as a Counsellor & for Women's Aid in the past, I just agreed. I made sure to point out that as well as being punished more harshly, women are supposed to 'forgive' more too.

Kennykenkencat · 19/10/2022 16:53

For me I don’t get why people forgive on behalf of someone else.

I have seen people who have lost close relatives and go on to forgive their relatives murderer
I don’t think you can do this. The only person who can forgive is the victim and if they are dead then they can’t have forgiveness. I think it cheapens their relatives life and I wonder what sort of relationship they had with the victim,

BuildersTeaMaker · 19/10/2022 16:58

ThisShipIsSinking · 16/10/2022 21:14

There's also another saying that "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Hatred and bitterness affects you, not them, forgiveness is an act of self love and empowerment, don't give them that power.

I think this is at heart of it. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting.
it basically is where you accept what happened and reach a place where it is not affecting you currently. That may mean getting a heart felt apology..but more often not. In a lot of cases people achieve it by getting used to the pain it caused,or by gaining an insight or reason for why the person behaved in way they did
you forgiving someone has no baring on them normally. They won’t know or sometimes care. It is to allow you to accept it, deal with the fall out yourself, and go forwards.
hatred or harbouring resentment is a ball and chain weighing you down- no one else

BuildersTeaMaker · 19/10/2022 17:09

therubbiliser · 17/10/2022 14:36

@NeverDropYourMooncup you are not the gatekeeper of what constitutes forgiveness. Why do you keep calling people on this thread wrong for their differing beliefs? I completely 100% accept that your definition of what constitutes forgiveness is different to mine but it would be really nice if we could agree to disagree.

Hmm..forgiveness is a biblical term originally and translated from Greek meaning “ to let go”

it is also Germanic in origin meaning “forward, forth”

Oxford English Dictionary says comes from “ to stop or give up harbouring ( resentment)”

It is all about what the injured party feels and nought to do with what deed was done and by whom and when

BuildersTeaMaker · 19/10/2022 17:11

SnoozyLucy7 · 16/10/2022 21:14

I agree. Forgiveness is often over rated and non deserved. The biggest gripe for me has always been that I was told that you must always forgive family, because they are family, no matter what, no matter what has been done, because blood is thicker than water bullshit nonsense. This has caused so much pain and generational trauma, because constant cycles of abuse have been constantly forgiven. It’s so messed up. And the abusers take advantage because they know they will be forgiven.

Forgiveness can be insidious.

Other people demanding forgiveness of you is what is wrong here
only you make that decision and it’s internal, personal and for you alone

CulturePigeon · 19/10/2022 18:10

I've always thought that forgiveness is totally overrated. I don't see why anyone should be pressured into forgiving. I get the impression that some forgiveness (especially when made explicit and openly mentioned) is trite and shallow anyway - just a formula of words really.

There is a also a lot of meaningless twaddle talked about forgiving historical events (eg Japanese wartime atrocities, dropping the atom bomb). That's impossible - it's not for US, living now, to forgive - that could only have been done by the victims of these events. Just acknowledge, learn and move on.

Kennykenkencat · 19/10/2022 18:19

ThisShipIsSinking · 16/10/2022 21:14

There's also another saying that "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Hatred and bitterness affects you, not them, forgiveness is an act of self love and empowerment, don't give them that power.

I will not forgive someone equally they will be no longer part of my life so I don’t think about them. From day to day year to year they won’t cross my mind.

Holding a grudge, hatred and bitterness are there still even if you have said the words I forgive you because they are in your life and a constant reminder of what they did to you

All forgiveness does is give someone the permission to do the same thing again and again to you.

ParkheadParadise · 19/10/2022 18:19

I agree.
I will NEVER forgive the evil bastard who took my dd's life.
I wouldn't say I'm healed either BUT I'm trying to life a life for dd2 and DH.
Part of me won't let him ruin our lives anymore.
The evil bastard is dead now but I know I could NEVER forgive (he brutally murdered my beautiful girl) who could forgive that.

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