I feel like I've reached the end of the road with dh. We've got 3 children, between 9,4 and 2. I gave up work (teaching) when the youngest was born with the view to return after a year or two. Various incidences over the last 3 ish years of finding out he's paid for cam girls and Only fans (paid from our joint account, what an idiot) have chipped away at my trust and respect for him. The weirdest was finding out he'd been sexting on a Scrabble app. That one really hurt and was particularly memorable as he'd been ignoring me during a meal out with us, our children and his parents. He'd mentioned he'd been playing Scrabble online and chatted to his parents about it. He checked his phone constantly during the meal and blanked me several times when I tried to include him in conversations with his parents. I was humiliated. When we got back to the car his phone buzzed a few times, I picked it up and saw messages, the lot. He had actually been sending messages during the meal sat next to his family. There were dick pics he'd sent earlier in the day. This was a month after I'd found a weird app on his phone that he was using to get paid videos from a cam girl so I was already upset and paranoid about his phone habits so to do it in front of us all (in front of his parents and children ffs) felt like a new low.The only explanation he could give is that he was 'feeling down'.
He refused to leave, and I stupidly tried to move on from it. We'd just bought a house to renovate then Covid and lockdowns happened so I think I was busy enough for a couple of years to just feel numb enough to keep going through the motions.
As life has gone back to normal a bit I feel like the fog has cleared and I'm realising that I don't like, trust or feel much at all for him. I don't think he would physically cheat on me as that would need him to put some effort in but I think/know the damage has been done. I don't think I have it in me to properly forgive him to the stage where I can feel things for him again. I'm constantly snapping at him and saying hurtful things. I'm struggling to contain my anger and resentment at how much he has fucked up, and I just can't find him attractive or even want to spend time with him. My poor children rarely see affection between us. He does so much around the house and for the kids but does that matter if I don't trust him. He had his phone out when we were having tea last week with one of the boy's friends over and I realised that he could quite possibly be sexting someone right then sitting next to our kids and their friend. My opinion of him is rock bottom and hasn't improved one tiny bit since the day I saw his phone after the restaurant Scrabble sexting. Can it improve? Should I try harder? I've realised I haven't really tried apart from waiting for him to magically fix things as he was the one to fuck up. Childish I know.