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AIBU?

To not trust DH after Scrabble sexting

50 replies

stevieknits · 16/10/2022 20:14

I feel like I've reached the end of the road with dh. We've got 3 children, between 9,4 and 2. I gave up work (teaching) when the youngest was born with the view to return after a year or two. Various incidences over the last 3 ish years of finding out he's paid for cam girls and Only fans (paid from our joint account, what an idiot) have chipped away at my trust and respect for him. The weirdest was finding out he'd been sexting on a Scrabble app. That one really hurt and was particularly memorable as he'd been ignoring me during a meal out with us, our children and his parents. He'd mentioned he'd been playing Scrabble online and chatted to his parents about it. He checked his phone constantly during the meal and blanked me several times when I tried to include him in conversations with his parents. I was humiliated. When we got back to the car his phone buzzed a few times, I picked it up and saw messages, the lot. He had actually been sending messages during the meal sat next to his family. There were dick pics he'd sent earlier in the day. This was a month after I'd found a weird app on his phone that he was using to get paid videos from a cam girl so I was already upset and paranoid about his phone habits so to do it in front of us all (in front of his parents and children ffs) felt like a new low.The only explanation he could give is that he was 'feeling down'.

He refused to leave, and I stupidly tried to move on from it. We'd just bought a house to renovate then Covid and lockdowns happened so I think I was busy enough for a couple of years to just feel numb enough to keep going through the motions.

As life has gone back to normal a bit I feel like the fog has cleared and I'm realising that I don't like, trust or feel much at all for him. I don't think he would physically cheat on me as that would need him to put some effort in but I think/know the damage has been done. I don't think I have it in me to properly forgive him to the stage where I can feel things for him again. I'm constantly snapping at him and saying hurtful things. I'm struggling to contain my anger and resentment at how much he has fucked up, and I just can't find him attractive or even want to spend time with him. My poor children rarely see affection between us. He does so much around the house and for the kids but does that matter if I don't trust him. He had his phone out when we were having tea last week with one of the boy's friends over and I realised that he could quite possibly be sexting someone right then sitting next to our kids and their friend. My opinion of him is rock bottom and hasn't improved one tiny bit since the day I saw his phone after the restaurant Scrabble sexting. Can it improve? Should I try harder? I've realised I haven't really tried apart from waiting for him to magically fix things as he was the one to fuck up. Childish I know.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

378 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
1%
You are NOT being unreasonable
99%
Axahooxa · 16/10/2022 20:16

No- you should carefully make your plans to split.
He would absolutely cheat on you- he has no respect for you and lacks integrity.

Trust your judgement!

Wibbly1008 · 16/10/2022 20:19

He would be out. I couldn’t have that I’m sorry, it’s emotional cheating and it’s disrespectful. It’s the step before actually cheating and he is sending pics?! No way. Out, with a bin bag containing his clothes. If he won’t leave , pack and take the kids to your friends/parents. It’s better to have a short while of changes rather than a life of mistrust and regret.

concernedalot · 16/10/2022 20:20

It's a massive betrayal whether it was physical cheating or not, men who do this in front of their partners/families/children get a bit of a thrill from it. It's not something I could personally work through. Virtual hug sent

pollyputthekettleon33 · 16/10/2022 20:29

Yeah that's pretty gross. It sounds to me like the damage has been done. Sometimes things happen that can't be taken back or fixed. You've gone through the motions during a busy and stressful time but now the dust is settling you're realising you just don't like this man anymore. It sounds as if he gives you the ick (rightly so).

Life is too short. I would seriously be considering splitting up.

ArcaneWireless · 16/10/2022 20:35

It is hard to regain trust. It is hard to recapture feelings of love. It is hard to like someone once you don’t.

Hard but not impossible.

But no point trying once the respect has gone. That doesn’t come back.

And it is necessary for you to have a fighting chance for the first three. 💐

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 16/10/2022 20:37

he sounds fucking revolting.
once respect has gone in a relationship, there is nothing left.
dont hang around.

Cw112 · 16/10/2022 20:41

He's the one who messed up so he is the one who needs to take responsibility and try to make amends and it doesn't really sound like he has. He needs to actively try to rebuild your trust in him so if he was feeling down, what's he done to address that and improve his mental health. In what ways has he invested more in his family and specifically your relationship? If he hasn't done anything then my guess is he thinks you'll let it go because you have done in the past and you're well within your rights to leave. I know you don't think he'd physically cheat but I would be inclined to get a sexual health check up anyways just for your own peace of mind and I'd ask him to do the same and want to see the results.

WhatsitWiggle · 16/10/2022 20:44

It sounds like you don't trust or respect him and he's making no effort to regain either. Make plans to separate. It will be tough for a while but believe me that feeling of disgust grows and spills out and your children will notice as time goes on.

stevieknits · 16/10/2022 20:45

You are all right, this is exactly what I would say if a friend or stranger was telling me all this. I've been crying reading the messages as it's all so obviously over isn't it.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/10/2022 20:48

It doesn’t matter how helpful he is at home, or how sorry he is, if you want out, you can end it.

Oliverfunyuns · 16/10/2022 20:53

You're not unreasonable for feeling nothing for him. He's the one who messed up, so it is his responsibility to fix things. His pathetic "excuse" just isn't enough. I don't know what would be enough, tbh, but it doesn't seem like he thinks he "has" to do anything to prove that he wants to make it up to you. As long as you aren't actively addressing it, he thinks he can just keep coasting without putting in any extra work to win back your respect and affection. I wouldn't be satisfied with that.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2022 20:59

No. You have lost respect for him and I don’t blame you. It’s over.

HaggisBurger · 16/10/2022 21:03

He was cheating on you. Sending picture of your genitalia and sexting is cheating. And I can just about guarantee you he’s still doing it. He’s maybe just got fractionally more discreet.

allboysherebutme · 16/10/2022 21:06

No get out. X

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/10/2022 21:09

Getting sexual kicks in front of the children and parents is seriously fucked in the head.

beastlyslumber · 16/10/2022 21:09

I'm so sorry, OP. How horrible.

Yes, sexting and cam girls is cheating on your marriage and family. It's a huge betrayal and just utterly grim. What a bastard.

stevieknits · 16/10/2022 21:10

He promises he will 'try harder' and fix things but nothing has materialised. He asks what I want him to do but how am I supposed to know? It feels like he wants a handy list of how to fix the marriage and it'd be yet another job for me to do.
He hasn't addressed his mental health, no. Every few months when our issues flare up again he mentions speaking to a doctor but I don't think he has done anything. One of our main issues over the years (before the lack of trust) has always been how uncommunicative he is. He barely speaks to me and we have very little left in common. One of the things I am saddest about is when he does try to speak to me I am not interested anymore. It's like I've waited years for him to talk to me more and now I don't care enough to want him to.
Oh dear.

OP posts:
stevieknits · 16/10/2022 21:15

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/10/2022 21:09

Getting sexual kicks in front of the children and parents is seriously fucked in the head.

Isn't it just. I've spent a long time trying to figure out how and why he could do it. I honestly think an affair would be easier to understand. It's just so stupid on top of how fucked up it is. I've barely told anyone in real life.

OP posts:
stevieknits · 16/10/2022 21:22

HaggisBurger · 16/10/2022 21:03

He was cheating on you. Sending picture of your genitalia and sexting is cheating. And I can just about guarantee you he’s still doing it. He’s maybe just got fractionally more discreet.

It's just too unlikely that the only times he's done it have been when I have found out. I don't think much would surprise me really so that's a sign there's no respect left for him.
I asked him ages ago if he was still doing it and he said 'well I haven't had time'. Usually when I bring it up he'll respond with an eye roll and a sigh of 'I haven't done it in years'.

OP posts:
TakeTheEgg · 16/10/2022 21:27

Is it the Words app @stevieknits - it's very much like scrabble and I play this.

I message my sister thru this app - it's purely a texting message service, I can't attach pictures ... so I'm pretty sure your DP can't be sending D1ck pics thru it ????

GabriellaMontez · 16/10/2022 21:27

He's disgusting. Make some plans for a future without him.

CarefreeMe · 16/10/2022 21:28

What is the point in this relationship.

You’re both obviously very unhappy but neither of you are doing anything about it.

It sounds like you’ve already wasted years of your life.
I personally wouldn’t want to waste any more time on something that has been over for a long time.

AnyFucker · 16/10/2022 21:31

Ugh. He will never change. Have some respect for yourself and show him the door. You deserve better than this.

Ellie56 · 16/10/2022 21:35

@stevieknits He sounds revolting. You can do better than him. Much better.

Gingerkittykat · 16/10/2022 21:37

I use the Scrabble app and there are so many men using it to send sexual messages to women I refuse to play with strange men anymore. You can't send any pics on the app though.

I always think it is a bizarre place to try and sext with somebody.

I don't think you're being childish at all, he has broken your trust and respect you had for him.

Would you be able to support yourself and three young kids right now?

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