To not trust DH after Scrabble sexting

[stevieknits]

I feel like I've reached the end of the road with dh. We've got 3 children, between 9,4 and 2. I gave up work (teaching) when the youngest was born with the view to return after a year or two. Various incidences over the last 3 ish years of finding out he's paid for cam girls and Only fans (paid from our joint account, what an idiot) have chipped away at my trust and respect for him. The weirdest was finding out he'd been sexting on a Scrabble app. That one really hurt and was particularly memorable as he'd been ignoring me during a meal out with us, our children and his parents. He'd mentioned he'd been playing Scrabble online and chatted to his parents about it. He checked his phone constantly during the meal and blanked me several times when I tried to include him in conversations with his parents. I was humiliated. When we got back to the car his phone buzzed a few times, I picked it up and saw messages, the lot. He had actually been sending messages during the meal sat next to his family. There were dick pics he'd sent earlier in the day. This was a month after I'd found a weird app on his phone that he was using to get paid videos from a cam girl so I was already upset and paranoid about his phone habits so to do it in front of us all (in front of his parents and children ffs) felt like a new low.The only explanation he could give is that he was 'feeling down'.

He refused to leave, and I stupidly tried to move on from it. We'd just bought a house to renovate then Covid and lockdowns happened so I think I was busy enough for a couple of years to just feel numb enough to keep going through the motions.

As life has gone back to normal a bit I feel like the fog has cleared and I'm realising that I don't like, trust or feel much at all for him. I don't think he would physically cheat on me as that would need him to put some effort in but I think/know the damage has been done. I don't think I have it in me to properly forgive him to the stage where I can feel things for him again. I'm constantly snapping at him and saying hurtful things. I'm struggling to contain my anger and resentment at how much he has fucked up, and I just can't find him attractive or even want to spend time with him. My poor children rarely see affection between us. He does so much around the house and for the kids but does that matter if I don't trust him. He had his phone out when we were having tea last week with one of the boy's friends over and I realised that he could quite possibly be sexting someone right then sitting next to our kids and their friend. My opinion of him is rock bottom and hasn't improved one tiny bit since the day I saw his phone after the restaurant Scrabble sexting. Can it improve? Should I try harder? I've realised I haven't really tried apart from waiting for him to magically fix things as he was the one to fuck up. Childish I know.

He hasn't bought you a dress, has he? Just a thought.

I am sorry you are going through this betrayal. YANBU to have very understandable feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety.
I would start to make arrangements to move on and tell him it’s over.
He needs to see GP for support for his mental health issues and if I were you I would seek counseling support too, as this will be a fantastic investment in both of your future s as co-parents.

There are multiple word game apps.

I definitely can't support us all right now, going back to work will have to happen first. I've started tentatively looking but I've lost all confidence. God I'm such a cliché.

God OP, please stop looking at what You haven't done. This is ALL on him! He has no basic respect for anyone in his family, he doesn't even care to pretend at a meal out with all of you there. And then for you to find out, he's a disgusting twat. Please, for your children's sake and your own LEAVE. Don't wait for him to agree to go, you take the kids and go to parents, relatives, friends - anywhere but near him. It will be hard but you will see, in a few months time you'll look back and it would have been Best decision ever.

To the posters saying you can't send pics via Srabble, I think OP said "he was sending d*ck pics earlier in the day", so probably through another app, his Cam girls, who knows.

It was something Scrabble related. He managed to send dick pics on it anyway, where there's a will there's a way!

I think you meant to respond to @TakeTheEgg , OP.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP. Just remember that.

I hope he at least got lots of points out of it.

In my view the Scrabble sexting was him squandering his second chance. You had already been upset and spoken with him over the first round of app sexting. But it doesn't sound like he really even took that criticism on board and tried to change, he just did what he wanted and wore down your resistance. Plus of course COVID coming along made any kind of splitting up/moving more difficult and tempting to postpone. It's no wonder you don't trust him now and I don't think the trust can be restored because he doesn't care either way and isn't willing to speak with you honestly and do what it takes to regain your trust (hint: rolling his eyes and saying he's been too busy to sext isn't it!!), and that's been the case for some time.

Whatever you do don't take the advice to leave the family home, he needs to go and if he won't you need to start divorce proceedings, it won't be pleasant but it will eventually force the situation.

Go and see a solicitor as soon as possible, take as much information as possible about your financial position, income, debts, pensions, balance on your mortgage etc.

You are there. What do you need from us to help you make the next steps?

No respect, no trust means no relationship. Paying from the joint account looks like he wanted you to find out. See a solicitor, you can carry on like this. Good luck.

Thank you @ittakes2 I don't know what I need, it seems a bit insurmountable right now. I've felt alone and that the marriage was over for a long time when I allowed myself to face facts. The thought of the upheaval for the kids (and for me let's be honest) has kept things ticking along for this long. The years of squishing things down and trying to believe him that it's just a few mistakes and he'll fix it haven't done me any favours mentally. I'm getting angrier and angrier and it must be a horrible atmosphere to grow up in. Reading that other people think its a dealbreaker too has been helpful. But hard. I'm taking it all in.

He sends strangers pictures of his penis. He is disgusting. He has no respect for you, his children or parents. I would be visiting solicitor first thing in the morning. Push ahead with divorce. If his parents say anything tell them he sends pictures of his penis to other women. Don't let him talk his way out of it.

Do you have sex?

So sorry for you. This is what internet sex has done to relationships. Yes anyone could & did cheat before the internet but the availability, addictive nature, instant gratification & general ability for it to brainwash is so depressing & damaging to real life relationships.

I don’t blame you for not respecting him any more - I couldn’t either.
I think you know the way you feel and that it’s pretty irrevocable. Have you voiced everything to him - like how could he be doing that whilst with your kids & his parents etc?
Have you said that you can’t respect or fancy him after that? Does he actually know the magnitude of his actions?
I guess he’ll get to know then. Good luck 🍀

Hes the one that needs to try harder not you.
Id be making plans to ditch him.

Has he done anything at all to address the betrayal?

Regardless, it's not up to you to try harder here, and you're not being childish. He blew it.

Sorry not read any replies but

The problem I see is 2 fold. 1. He's willingly cheating on you ( doesn't matter it's online) and has been for years despite knowing it's hurting you. I would have left the first time but you have persevered and he sees that as a green light I suspect.

1. He's paying women ( usually vulnerable) for sex services. He sees women as a commodity that he can purchase. That alone would be enough to turn my stomach. He's a pig with zero respect for you, his family and most of all women. He's not a good dad and you're just raising kids who will be in the midst of this dysfunction.

This relationship isn't salvageable. End things today, get your life back on track and be rid of all the wondering and worrying. You'll he absolutely fine on your own and with your children. You will gain strength you didn't know you had. And one day if you feel like it, you can meet a partner who shows you actual respect and love

I agree with all of that @Boobreduction. It's fundamentally changed how I see him as a person so it can't be salvaged. Stomach turning is exactly it.
I've begged him since I found out to explain why he did it. All he's ever said was that it was a moment of madness and doesnt know why he did it. Sometimes he says he doesn't even remember doing it. No he hasn't really addressed it @mathanxiety. I asked him this morning to try to get some answers as to why he's ruined everything and he came up with that he was unhappy with his life and he must have liked the 'added excitement'. Gross. At the time I had no idea he was unhappy as he never communicates and rarely shows emotion. Its such a pathetic justification even if its true. He's moping around looking pitiful and says he will stay in a hotel for a few days. He told the kids he's going away for a bit so he might actually do it. I'll be absolutely fine on my own practically, financially is another story so I'll have to start job hunting properly.
I'm feeling like I've been punched and scared I will just go back to burying my head in the sand.

I have written many similar messages on mn over the last 10 years. This was my husband. He was on fabswingers, craigslist you name it. He would be sending dick pics and exchanging extremely lewd messages with other women (and men). I know he spoke to some on the phone and I know he travelled across our town to meet someone once but didn't go through with it. It was the stuff I didn't know about that killed me/us too. I don't really know why I stayed or didn't kick him out but I did love him and like your dh he did lots around the house, cooked, cleaned, ferried kids around. The kids were at primary school and whilst I do work ft we live in an expensive city that I couldn't afford all by myself. And I did love him and we'd been together so long. But every couple of years I'd find another dick pic or see he's been posting online and then with the advance of mobile phones and secrecy settings he could just hide that all from me. Still, I didn't want to really split up (although threatened it a million times). The last time I found a dick pic was at the start of lock down. He lost his job. I went nuts about the dick pick and felt so sick as that really was his 'last' chance but we were stuck. And then life took over and again we put it behind us. But we stopped having sex. He gave me the ick big time and I never really forgave him and knew I really could not trust him. He got a great job and I thought finally we'd put things behind us and we could try and work on us but by then were crap at communicating and we still weren't having sex and then he met someone new at work and like that he was gone. Just left and abandoned us and then it transpired he'd been slagging me off to his family for about 18 months about the terrible way I spoke to him. Oh dear poor old DH. How did he put up with me? His family have all taken his side and have nothing to do with me or our children and have welcomed OW in with open arms. I liked them a lot so this has made me very sad. I just wish I'd kicked him out 8 years ago and told his family the truth. 9 months on he's still with OW and we're going through a nasty divorce. I can see he's still regularly posting on fabswingers though... he will never ever change. I really just wanted to say that. He won't change and so it's up to you how long you can put up with his shit. He's already giving you the ick so you know what you need to do. Good luck with your job hunt and with everything and expect him to get very nasty when the consequences of his actions dawns on him.

I made an account because I read a comment saying to move in with some family but don't do that! I just learned a lot from a reddit post literally yesterday including that if you move out of the house he will most likely get it. Lots of really useful advice on that post that might be worth scrolling through for you. Linking to this comment about moving out for you and this one so you don't block him. I hope this helps! Also I'm so sorry he did this to you.

Your children will sense an atmosphere when they're at home. It's hard to mask negativity in a marriage.
His behaviour is deal breaker behaviour. The guy is disgusting. He does not deserve any kind of support from you after his absolute lack of respect and disregard for the rest of his family.
Why offer a home and a family and kids to someone who can't even stop themselves from texting other women whilst at a table with his family and his parents! It's fucking gross.

I'm interested to find out what that 1% thinks, like how exactly is OP being unreasonable? Maybe in thinking that the relationship could be salvageable?... idk. Lol.

@stevieknits YANBU. Your feelings are valid and if you feel strongly that your relationship isn't salvageable, then don't put in effort to try to make it work. I promise, it's a million times worse on the kids if you do try and force it. Maybe you can clear your mind after he's been gone for a bit, but if he doesn't make any effort or fight to win back your affections, then you putting in the hard work will be a waste of time. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Good luck and sending hugs and love to you and your kids!