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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not looking after DC

41 replies

Hicksey2584 · 16/10/2022 20:11

Hi guys,
first time poster here so apologies if it doesn’t make sense lol.
So I have an 8 year old DS and 5 year old DD, DS has suffered with migraines for a few years now, has had MRI and tests done and given medication to control them however they are not gone completely. When he gets them I have to get him to sleep or it just won’t go away.
so here’s my issue- I got home from work today and DD meets me at the door and tells me DS is in bed as he has a headache and DH is with him. So I head upstairs to see them, DS is in bed in the dark, clearly in pain and DH is rubbing his head (as sometimes this calms him). On DH lap is his IPad as he is watching the football while looking after DS and not paying him attention hadn’t even turned sound off or put it away from DS line of sight. This has really upset me as I would never dream of ignoring my sick child as I want to watch tv and it’s not the first time he’s done something like this. He then disappeared downstairs so I could take care of DS and instead of going down and looking after DD who has been good as gold while brother is ill he goes and parks himself on the sofa with his iPad and continues to watch the football. AIBU to be really angry with him right now to the point of questioning how much he actually cares about his children! I just want to cry to be honest that my DS was treated like that by his own Dad 😢

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 16/10/2022 20:16

He wasn’t ignoring his son. He was in bed with him, rubbing his head.
I don’t think he did anything wrong at all.

IsThisFunny · 16/10/2022 20:19

I agree with you OP. Give your full attention to your children. Especially under those circumstances.

Cw112 · 16/10/2022 20:23

I think it depends on how long he was going to be there for. I don't see an issue with this if I was going to be sitting there in the quiet for potentially a few hours I'd have no issue reading a kindle or watching a program with the volume on low. I'm still there to respond to anything the child needs, give them comfort by my presence and keep a watchful eye on how they're doing. I get that others might want to just lie there and stare at them but I think at that point I'd be scared to fall asleep and miss something. So I don't think he's been uncaring or unreasonable.

Sunnytwobridges · 16/10/2022 20:25

I don’t see an issue. Especially if he was sitting there rubbing his head for a while, I’d want some kind of distraction too as it would get boring rubbing a head for a long period of time but I would’ve used headphones/earbuds.

CheezePleeze · 16/10/2022 20:25

If you want us to say he's BU, you need to stick to the story.

One minute you're saying he's sitting in a dark bedroom with him rubbing his head, and the next minute you're saying he's ignoring him?

Unicorn2721 · 16/10/2022 20:25

He wasn’t ‘in bed’ with him he was sat on the edge of the bed and he d only been there for at most 20 minutes and he knew I would be home soon so he wouldn’t be there for hours as I always look after them when they’re ill. He literally got up and walked out when I got there, no affection towards DS before he left just walked out.

Josette77 · 16/10/2022 20:27

I don't see the issue? What should he be doing while your ds is in bed?

WeepingSomnambulist · 16/10/2022 20:29

I think the issue here is that the illness was a migraine.
I get migraine. If someone sat next to me with the iPad on, glowing away, and the volume up, then I would feel so much worse. You need dark and silence. He wasnt helping his kid at all. He was pretending to help by rubbing his head, whilst continuing to watch and listen to his iPad.

Other sickness... if my kid has had a stomach bug and need to hold my hand to sleep, then I'll sit in bed with them but once their asleep, I'll be on my phone.

WeepingSomnambulist · 16/10/2022 20:31

That's a drip feed.

You got home, and he just got up and walked out? Because kid stuff is your job?

That's the problem. His attitude to his kids is quite clear. They're your job. And that isnt a good situation. Maybe do something about him parenting. Come to jesus talk time; he needs to sort his parenting out.

MiniCooperLover · 16/10/2022 20:33

He can't be rubbing his head and ignoring him at the same time. I don't think it's great having the iPad and noise on .. too much blue light and noise, while trying to comfort him but the just walking out is not ideal:

RobertaFirmino · 16/10/2022 20:33

Josette77 · 16/10/2022 20:27

I don't see the issue? What should he be doing while your ds is in bed?

Gazing lovingly at his forehead whilst pledging to martyr himself in the name of parenthood band closing all avenues of pleasure. no doubt.

whatisheupto · 16/10/2022 20:46

Omg I'm shocked at the number of posters saying YABU. I agree with you OP it sounds like rubbish behaviour. Doing the bare minimum but not actually solving the problem properly. I get migraines and I can tell you that the absolute worst thing would be someone sitting next to me with a fucking ipad blaring and glowing. Especially football... cheering noise etc
YANBU at all. I'd be furious. And then not looking after you DD once you were home and taking care of DD.

I hope your DS grows out of the migraines. It must be so hard for you to see him go through them. I can't imagine coping with them as a child, it's bad enough as an adult.

MuggleMe · 16/10/2022 20:51

Having an ipad on and in vicinity of someone with a migraine is not going to help them. He sounds very self centred.

BatshitBanshee · 16/10/2022 21:06

Having an iPad on with sound on while a child is suffering with a migraine beside you is a spectacular level of dense. YANBU.

neighboursmustliveon · 16/10/2022 21:06

So he is meant to sit for 20 mins in the dark with nothing to entertain himself while he rubs DS head?

Sorry I couldn't sit that long in the dark, I would need something to do/listen to/read.

He wasn't ignoring his child.if he had been sat in another room while child was crying then you would have reason to complain.

NancyJoan · 16/10/2022 21:09

If someone came near me with an iPad blasting the football while I had a migraine, I would throw it out of the window.

NancyJoan · 16/10/2022 21:12

*So he is meant to sit for 20 mins in the dark with nothing to entertain himself while he rubs DS head?

Sorry I couldn't sit that long in the dark, I would need something to do/listen to/read.*

Have you really never been up in the night with an ill child, just stroking their head and waiting for their breathing to change?

CheezePleeze · 16/10/2022 21:36

He looked after him differently to how you do it that's all OP.

MrsCarson · 16/10/2022 21:40

A lot of poster haven't had a full on awful migraine I think.
The glow of the iPad and the noise of a football game would make me a lot worse if I was in a dark room trying to get rid of a migraine.
He's a numpty and hasn't got a clue.

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2022 21:43

neighboursmustliveon · 16/10/2022 21:06

So he is meant to sit for 20 mins in the dark with nothing to entertain himself while he rubs DS head?

Sorry I couldn't sit that long in the dark, I would need something to do/listen to/read.

He wasn't ignoring his child.if he had been sat in another room while child was crying then you would have reason to complain.

You've not had a migraine have you?

If someone had sat there with light and noise while I had one, the Ipad would have been launched across the room.

Migraines hurt

Obki · 16/10/2022 21:45

YANBU, I’ve never had a migraine but just the thought of someone (let alone a child) trying to manage a migraine whilst someone is playing sport on their iPad with sound on is making me wince.

Strictly1 · 16/10/2022 21:48

NancyJoan · 16/10/2022 21:09

If someone came near me with an iPad blasting the football while I had a migraine, I would throw it out of the window.

The op never said the iPad was blasting - dramatising much!

neighboursmustliveon · 16/10/2022 21:51

NancyJoan · 16/10/2022 21:12

*So he is meant to sit for 20 mins in the dark with nothing to entertain himself while he rubs DS head?

Sorry I couldn't sit that long in the dark, I would need something to do/listen to/read.*

Have you really never been up in the night with an ill child, just stroking their head and waiting for their breathing to change?

Yes, but I would have my phone or a book to read or we would be in the living room with the TV on low.

I couldn't sit still during waking hours for that long.

SalmonEile · 16/10/2022 21:52

People on here really done understand migraines do they ?
light is a big no no
but ok let’s give him the benefit of the doubt that he really honestly doesn’t understand his own actual sons migraines - he just got up and went off to watch football while still ignoring his five year old daughter and leaving the head rubbing in the dark to his wife

SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2022 21:52

Bookaholic73 · 16/10/2022 20:16

He wasn’t ignoring his son. He was in bed with him, rubbing his head.
I don’t think he did anything wrong at all.

If you have a migraine, do you really want someone sat next to you with a bright noisy screen next to you?