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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH not looking after DC

41 replies

Hicksey2584 · 16/10/2022 20:11

Hi guys,
first time poster here so apologies if it doesn’t make sense lol.
So I have an 8 year old DS and 5 year old DD, DS has suffered with migraines for a few years now, has had MRI and tests done and given medication to control them however they are not gone completely. When he gets them I have to get him to sleep or it just won’t go away.
so here’s my issue- I got home from work today and DD meets me at the door and tells me DS is in bed as he has a headache and DH is with him. So I head upstairs to see them, DS is in bed in the dark, clearly in pain and DH is rubbing his head (as sometimes this calms him). On DH lap is his IPad as he is watching the football while looking after DS and not paying him attention hadn’t even turned sound off or put it away from DS line of sight. This has really upset me as I would never dream of ignoring my sick child as I want to watch tv and it’s not the first time he’s done something like this. He then disappeared downstairs so I could take care of DS and instead of going down and looking after DD who has been good as gold while brother is ill he goes and parks himself on the sofa with his iPad and continues to watch the football. AIBU to be really angry with him right now to the point of questioning how much he actually cares about his children! I just want to cry to be honest that my DS was treated like that by his own Dad 😢

OP posts:

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 16/10/2022 21:54

Also shocked at pp saying yabu - migraines are horrific and light and sound can be unbearable when you are suffering. I can remember having one as a teenager and my df coming into my room to check on me. Hearing him talking was excruciating but I couldn't move or speak to tell him to leave as I was so unwell. Luckily he realised and left me to it. What is the point in taking a child with a migraine into a dark room only to have an ipad blasting next to his face? Unbelievably cruel and selfish. Absolutely shocked that others don't see this!

SleepingStandingUp · 16/10/2022 21:56

neighboursmustliveon · 16/10/2022 21:06

So he is meant to sit for 20 mins in the dark with nothing to entertain himself while he rubs DS head?

Sorry I couldn't sit that long in the dark, I would need something to do/listen to/read.

He wasn't ignoring his child.if he had been sat in another room while child was crying then you would have reason to complain.

It shouldn't be that hard to sit with your child for 20 minutes without needing something else to do. At the very least, if he can't possibly sit quietly for 20 minutes, he could have used headphones and hid the screen

MbatataOwl · 16/10/2022 21:56

The op never said the iPad was blasting - dramatising much!

When you have a migraine even low noise can sound like it's blaring, it really does hurt.

autastic · 16/10/2022 21:56

I would probably have done similar.
I have recently purchased some EarPods but they noise cancel so I would keep the sound on.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/10/2022 23:22

I said YANBU because light and sound around someone hiding in the dark because of a migraine really isn't ok. Him just getting up and going isn't ok either. I don't think he needs to be doing nothing at all though. I'd probably read a book on my phone with the screen dimmer on.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/10/2022 23:31

WeepingSomnambulist
I think the issue here is that the illness was a migraine
I get migraine. If someone sat next to me with the iPad on, glowing away, and the volume up, then I would feel so much worse. You need dark and silence. He wasnt helping his kid at all. He was pretending to help by rubbing his head, whilst continuing to watch and listen to his iPad

^^This

1 of my DC suffered migraine terribly throughout childhood, its marginally better now shes an adult. My mum suffered too, way into adulthood. She'd be so ill when it struck we had to fend for ourselves sometimes when we were little

Migraine is so debilitating. & Any gadgets around make it worse.

& its a real 'screen before anything & anyone else' sign of the times that women can actually say its fine to not even feel able to switch of IPad to soothe and engage with your child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/10/2022 23:47

To the PP who have said this is fine and they would do the same...does your opinion change now you've seen multiple posts from people saying that light and sound make their migraine symptoms much worse?

There is a reason that people suffering doom migraines stay in the dark and quiet.

I cant imagine many people that realise this would actually wilfully do something to make their childs symptoms worse, because they cant put up with being bored for 20 min.

On the other hand, why can't your son be left to lie on his own for a while?

Colourmehappy26 · 16/10/2022 23:55

The bar really is so low for men isn’t it, judging by some of these comments..

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2022 23:59

Bookaholic73 · 16/10/2022 20:16

He wasn’t ignoring his son. He was in bed with him, rubbing his head.
I don’t think he did anything wrong at all.

Your standards are shockingly low, and you have clearly never suffered from migraines. They are absolutely horrible.

been and done it. · 17/10/2022 00:05

He's clearly got the sensitivity of a brick.

isntthisabitodd · 17/10/2022 02:09

I get migraines. I'm not sensitive to light but am very sensitive to sound. Even the smallest sound is excruciating.

NumberTheory · 17/10/2022 09:11

I’m with you OP.

Computers and phones can be great when you have to sit with a child who’s trying to get to sleep. It’s a bloody dull task and having something to stare at makes it much more bearable. But you don’t have the sound up and the screen where they can see it. Even if DS didn’t have a migraine that’s a self-centered thing to do if you’re trying to get them to sleep.

Then ignoring the DD who is 5 and has unavoidably been on her own for ages because her brother has a migraine, again, that’s selfish and putting his own desires above the needs of his children.

However, sometimes we’re really not up to the sacrifice parenthood requires and we cut corners a bit to try and keep ourselves sane while we regroup so we can do it properly next time. If this only happens occasionally it’s not perfect but it’s unlikely to have long term impact. If he’s been snowed under lately or whatever and is himself in need of a bit of respite I would cut him some slack. But if he often gets time to himself and he’s just not prepared to give that up when his kids need him, I’d be considering a conversation about him needing to step up properly.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 17/10/2022 09:22

Okay, so having a screen in the room with a kid with a migraine is not great. I get migraines and it would make it worse. He can work on his sensitivity towards that.

But, a migraine is not life threatening. Your DH was engrossed in a football game. Most people that enjoy football (or any other game) would not be giving their full attention to their kids for those 90 odd minutes. UNLESS it was an emergency or life threatening, they would be dividing their attention for a time. Don't all parents do this? While you're cooking? While you're loading the laundry? Your full attention is not always on your child.

I don't really see a problem with the fact that he carried on watching the game when he went downstairs. And I say this as someone who doesn't watch football, but I can surely understand it.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 17/10/2022 09:52

He should have put headphones in and listened to the game - or you know, watched it later...

I couldn't sit still during waking hours for that long.

I honestly think you should work on that - not being able to sit with your own thoughts for 20 minutes seems like a massive issue - doctors surgery, long journeys etc. - being able to sit for 20 minutes without entertainment should be possible for anyone - at least anyone NT (and many who aren't), and over the age of about 10.

Thinkbiglittleone · 17/10/2022 09:57

I would be disappointed that my DH didn't have the sensitivity to realise a screen with the volume on is not going to help in the situation of a migraine.

A cuddle and silence would have been better IMO

Kissingfrogs25 · 17/10/2022 10:42

Wow some people have a very very low bar of parenting standards.

If you have a sick child you don't force them to endure the noise and light of a football match as they pretended to soothe your headache! Of course it is crap parenting. What does it say to the child? My football is at least more important to me than you, and I am here because I have to be, not because I want to be. I can't imagine having a migraine and having a football game blaring near me. Poor child

Why couldn't he simply catch up on the football once the children were in bed/at another time? Surely the child should be front and centre of his attention whilst ill.

I would be furious.

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