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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullying, what should I do?

32 replies

Jennybeans401 · 16/10/2022 18:38

Dd is in Y5. The same girl has been bullying her since January. It's a long story but I've been into school,spoke to class teachers, head, phoned. I've tried everything.

It's a tiny class with four girls and the girl who has been bullying dd has turned the girls against dd. A new girl joined in June and this helped as dd made friends with her. Last week the new girl has sided with the bully. There's been physical bullying but mostly emotional bullying. Whispering about dd in front of her, excluding her, making fun of her, running away from her, calling me names and telling dd she is stupid, laughing when she gets a bad score in Maths or Spelling. She's been excluded from playing because she has no father by this girl which was a low blow.

The school say they've tried everything but in my eyes they've done very little. They rang the other girls parents once and interviewed the girls once. The bully denies it all. I spoke to the head recently and her advice was that I ring the other girl's parents up and discuss it. The school say there's no proof so they can't do anything more to help us. The school haven't even logged it as bullying at all. They also encouraged us to move schools as they can't see how it will get better for dd.

My dd enjoys her lessons, is settled at that school and I feel upset at her leaving. She's terrified to go back there though. AIBU to feel this is so unjust?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 16/10/2022 18:41

This is ridiculous. They should have policies in place to deal with bullying. I would ask for them and go to governors. I don't normally say that at all, but they're not dealing with this properly.

Vapeyvapevape · 16/10/2022 18:44

In my experience, schools never deal with bullying effectively. I'd go to the governors as they may have 'tried everything' but obviously need to try harder.

lannistunut · 16/10/2022 18:44

Move your DD. At some point you have to step up and protect her, the school is doing nothing and you are doing nothing.

I would have moved her already.

How can you say she is settled at that school when she is terrified to go back?

Too many parents send their child into the same situation day in day out.

Move her.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/10/2022 18:48

I've been shocked at the terrible way they've dealt with this. It's been so hard on all of us, I feel terrible that I've made her go back but feel like the school should step up and help.

OP posts:
Barleysugar86 · 16/10/2022 18:52

Is moving them an option? I know it seems terribly unfair when they have done nothing wrong but i was bullied at primary school (only school in the village) and although it would have its ups and downs it never really would get to a point I'd feel happy and relaxed there. I was shy and withdrawn and it really affected my self esteem. I've said to my husband if our little one who is just starting out in school gets bullied or seems unhappy I'd set a hard limit (potentially three months) and then pull them to enroll elsewhere. Thankfully we are lucky enough to have a few decent options nearby.

lannistunut · 16/10/2022 18:55

Jennybeans401 · 16/10/2022 18:48

I've been shocked at the terrible way they've dealt with this. It's been so hard on all of us, I feel terrible that I've made her go back but feel like the school should step up and help.

I'm sorry but I think you should step up and help your daughter. School have had their chance, now you need to face reality and move her.

She only has two years of primary left - do you want them to be miserable or happy?

Badger1970 · 16/10/2022 18:59

We moved our DD when she was being bullied. I'd pulled my hair out involving the Head, the LEA, Governors, even Ofsted. And day by day, it was just getting worse.

The transformation in her made me feel bitterly ashamed of my fight being in completely the wrong direction.

caramac04 · 16/10/2022 19:34

I doubt this entrenched bullying behaviour will change and I would move my child in this situation. Bullying can have devastating and long reaching effects; your DD doesn’t deserve this.
However I’d make damn sure the Head and the Governors knew why I was moving my child .

Ludo19 · 16/10/2022 19:42

Schools do very little to stamp out bullying, I was bullied mercilessly in Primary school. My crime was I lived in a council house and my mother and father were divorced. I had tokens for my lunch instead of dinner money and even the dinner ladies made me wait till the end and give me scraps. It was horrendous. The headmaster was awful to my mother and the teachers were shit, they all knew what was going on and turned a blind eye. On going to high school I changed dramatically as I met in with different folk with different backgrounds and I wasn't bullied there.

Letthekidsplay · 16/10/2022 19:43

Change schools or home educate this won’t ever get fixed.

caramac04 · 16/10/2022 19:46

Ludo19 · 16/10/2022 19:42

Schools do very little to stamp out bullying, I was bullied mercilessly in Primary school. My crime was I lived in a council house and my mother and father were divorced. I had tokens for my lunch instead of dinner money and even the dinner ladies made me wait till the end and give me scraps. It was horrendous. The headmaster was awful to my mother and the teachers were shit, they all knew what was going on and turned a blind eye. On going to high school I changed dramatically as I met in with different folk with different backgrounds and I wasn't bullied there.

Unfortunately I agree, bullying isn’t dealt with effectively in any school and kids really suffer.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/10/2022 19:48

Couple of things.

  1. Make a formal complaints about the bullying, listing the times you have contacted the school (and their attempts/ lack of attempts at intervention). Send this to the school governors and CC in the headteacher, local councillors, Ofstead and the Education team at the LEA.

  2. Move her to a new school or home educate ASAP. It is now too entrenched and it will not stop despite doing step 1. Step 1.) Is just to ensure that the school's inaction and the impact it has had on your daughter is logged somewhere.

Rockingcloggs · 16/10/2022 19:49

Please move her. I know it will feel as though the evil little shits will 'win' but the truth of it is by escaping this daily cruelty your daughter will win.

I had this very thing with my boy from reception to year 2. I was back and forth with that school, reporting this reporting that and never being taken seriously. All they could say was that I didn't understand what the perpetrators home lives were like. Honestly, I couldn't have given a shit what their home lives were like. His last day at that institution ended with a child removing my sons glasses and stamping on them in front of a teacher. She was the one to tell me when I collected him. I told her there and then he wouldn't be returning. He had an emergency transfer to another infants school within 3 days. He has never been picked on, bullied or harmed either emotionally or physically since and he settled in so well.

Don't let her suffer any longer.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 19/10/2022 05:31

I've taken dd out now, we are home educating u till we find a new school. The school were very quick to take her off roll, the Head treated me like a time waster when I rang to tell the school she wasn't coming back. In 5 minutes she told me she'd deregister my dd.

Dd went to preschool there, she has memories and a history there and it is upsetting to think the school really couldn't be bothered.

Dd is having nightmares and is a rollercoastet of emotions. Can I still complain to the Chair of Governors now? Is this usual behaviour from schools? I'm feeling like my whole world fell apart. Dd lost her father not so long ago and now she's having to deal with this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 19/10/2022 05:41

I should also mention the school governors are friends with the girl's mother (the one who was bullying dd).

OP posts:
Ahwelltoobad · 19/10/2022 06:35

Oh, what a nightmare for you both, but well done you for taking her out. (Seems like you were bullied, too! )
❤️❤️❤️

Feelinglow27 · 19/10/2022 06:50

I'm so sorry for your daughter and enraged for you at the school. Totally unacceptable and if it were me I would have to pursue it.

I understand your grief and I really hope she has a much better last couple of years at a new school x

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/10/2022 06:52

Oh that must be heartbreaking watching her go into this horrible environment daily.

I'd try moving her if she wants to move school.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 06:59

I'd probably go further than the governors and write complaints to ofsted and the LEA.

doubleshotcappuccino · 19/10/2022 07:03

I'm so sorry to hear your Dd and you have had to deal with this. Yes, do make a formal complaint, try and details as much of the specific bullying as possible .whilst you are trying to find next steps have a look at the wonderful
oak academy online - free lessons sorted by curriculum - I use it all the time it's brilliant

Novum · 19/10/2022 07:13

If she's terrified to go back, clearly she was not settled or enjoying lessons as you suggest. Why would you not move her? But you should also put in a complaint to the governors that they are not following their own bullying policy.

ilovelamp82 · 19/10/2022 07:18

What a horrible way to make you feel. I would still go to the governors if I were you. If only for cathartic reasons. As someone who is currently deciding on secondary schools too, I would appreciate hearing about things like this on socials about the school so I can make an informed decision about the school.

I hope you manage to find a place where dd can settle. You're a great Mum for removing her. You've shown her that when all and everyone else fails her, you'll always be there.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/10/2022 07:25

I moved DD after a year of secondary school. She wasnt being bullied directly more excluded and ignored.
There was a certain type and anyone who was different was outcast.

She is a new person although she has to travel further.

I hope things improve.

In the meantime I'd be back onto the principal and consider keeping her home until they have a solution.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 07:27

Novum · 19/10/2022 07:13

If she's terrified to go back, clearly she was not settled or enjoying lessons as you suggest. Why would you not move her? But you should also put in a complaint to the governors that they are not following their own bullying policy.

Yours was the 21st post in the thread, including one where OP said she's removed her from the school.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/10/2022 07:27

Apologies missed post you're homeschooling. Good choice.👌 👍

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