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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating - younger man and complexity

38 replies

Flowersinthewindow1 · 16/10/2022 14:51

After being divorced for 2 years and not actively seeking someone I’ve become interested in someone from work. Due to our age difference (I’m 46, he’s 26) it’s been complicated understanding whether we a romantic relationship would work, however it’s gotten to a romantic stage.

The issue is that whilst the age difference isn’t ideal my 22 year old son is furious with me. He thinks the thought of someone roughly his age dating his mother is humiliating and is begging me to put an end to it before it embarrasses him.

AIBU - I do understand his concerns but it’s not like I’ve purposefully pursued someone much younger it just happened.

OP posts:
OneTC · 16/10/2022 14:57

My friend stopped sleeping with younger blokes cos her daughter said it was embarrassing. Similar age difference, she's a little older and the lovers a little younger.

I thought that was pretty harsh though, I suppose her daughter can't help the way she feels but it seems a bit out of place to police someone else

Iusyje · 16/10/2022 14:59

Why would you date someone who is embarrassed dating you - for whatever reason. Having said that, have you pictured meeting his parents and they being your age or younger? That would make me feel awkward. But some people are ok with that so ultimately you will have to decide.

SuzySangfroid · 16/10/2022 14:59

How serious a relationship is it? If it's fairly casual / not really sure yet, does your son even need to know about him?

Yarrawonga · 16/10/2022 15:02

Why would you date someone who is embarrassed dating you - for whatever reason

It’s her son that is embarrassed, not the man she is dating.

Original poster
Flowersinthewindow1 · 16/10/2022 15:03

SuzySangfroid · 16/10/2022 14:59

How serious a relationship is it? If it's fairly casual / not really sure yet, does your son even need to know about him?

@SuzySangfroid

its fairly new but it’s got serious potential, I spoke to my daughter first who had mixed reactions and she told my son.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/10/2022 15:05

I think that it was too soon to tell your son. Does your son live with you? Are you now in a sexual relationship with the 26 year old?

Tsort · 16/10/2022 15:06

How would you feel if your son was in a relationship with a 46 year old?

Ponoka7 · 16/10/2022 15:06

What do you mean by ' serious potential '? Have you gone through the menopause yet? Or hit peri?

AdInfinitum12 · 16/10/2022 15:07

Flowersinthewindow1 · 16/10/2022 15:03

@SuzySangfroid

its fairly new but it’s got serious potential, I spoke to my daughter first who had mixed reactions and she told my son.

Show quote history

Of course it doesn't have potential. At his age he may not want kids but that's not to say he won't in ten years or so and then where will you be? And he'd potentially be a 55 year old carer. Goodness me he's the same as your son. 20 year age gap at his age is never going to work.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 16/10/2022 15:08

I would take the view that who you decide to have a relationship with is actually none of your children's or anyone else's business. We can form a connection with all sorts of people and age doesn't have a bearing on this. I think you should do what feels right for you.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 16/10/2022 15:15

This has got ‘huge fucking mess’ written all over it.

You work together (don’t shit where you eat)
You’re not even in a relationship yet and already both your kids know about him (poor boundaries)
He’s a whole uni student younger than you

If you go ahead regardless, there's an oft-quoted ‘campsite rule’ when dating younger; leave them better than you found them.

Hankunamatata · 16/10/2022 15:20

Suppose it depends if he wants kids or not. If he does then it's not going to work.

On paper seems like a bad idea but I'm similar age and work with a guy about same age who seems so much older. So I can see how it could work esp if you have similar interests. Not sure I would date someone in work with though

hattie43 · 16/10/2022 15:33

Tsort · 16/10/2022 15:06

How would you feel if your son was in a relationship with a 46 year old?

Just what I was thinking .

Without children I'd say each to their own but with children it's a no . Besides a lot of lads of 26 will want kids one day and you won't be able to have them .

user1471505356 · 16/10/2022 15:35

As mentioned a work relationship is difficult.

EndersGame · 16/10/2022 15:38

I think you should go ahead and enjoy yourself

MrsTimRiggins · 16/10/2022 15:40

Yea, sorry, but I’d not be overly impressed either if my mum was mooning about after someone the same age as me (give or take).

CookPassBabtridge · 16/10/2022 15:41

It's gross.. not as gross as older man younger woman but still.

MRSE20 · 16/10/2022 15:43

I think that you owe it to yourself to be happy

Your son might not like the idea, but I know deep down if this was my mum I would want her to be happy

Work relationships can be tricky, but sometimes they do work out fine. Age gap relationships sometimes work out absolutely fine too.

I am 27 and a couple of my friends have partners who are in their 50’s. They have been together for a while and are extremely happy, completely changed my view on age gap relationships. My grandad was 17 years older than my Nan. It can work

I do agree with the posters who question the children situation though, is he going to want children in the future? Because biologically you will most likely not be able to have them

JaneDothrow · 16/10/2022 15:43

YABU
if this was a secret fling then I would say go ahead, the age difference alone shouldn’t prevent this.

HOWEVER
you can’t put your son through this, it will cause him so much distress knowing someone his age is sleeping with his mother.

Justcallmebebes · 16/10/2022 15:46

I think it's inappropriate and embarrassing. I also wouldn't be happy if my 20 something son brought a woman old enough to be his mother home. Sorry, but no from me. Just embarrassing

Justcallmebebes · 16/10/2022 15:47

Oh i missed that he was a work colleague too. Mad

neverbeenskiing · 16/10/2022 15:52

its fairly new but it’s got serious potential

I think there's serious potential for heartbreak and professional embarrassment. What would you think of a 46 year old male colleague embarking on a relationship with a young woman in her twenties at your workplace? This is no different and I can understand your son being embarrassed, although ultimately its not his decision. I'd find it difficult if one of my parents was carrying on with someone close to my age.
People change a lot during their twenties and early 30's IME. He may think he's not interested in having a family now, but that could easily change. When he's your age you'll be an OAP. I think a fling is one thing, but the fact that you've already felt the need to tell your kids about him and have convinced yourself this has long term potential is what would worry me if I was your son or daughter. They are likely to be worried for you as well as finding it embarrassing.

neverbeenskiing · 16/10/2022 15:53

CookPassBabtridge · 16/10/2022 15:41

It's gross.. not as gross as older man younger woman but still.

Why is it not as gross?

mavismorpoth · 16/10/2022 15:57

neverbeenskiing · 16/10/2022 15:53

Why is it not as gross?

Show quote history

Do you believe men hold an inherent power dynamic over women?

SafeMove · 16/10/2022 15:59

My DP is the product of a 20 year age gap relationship. He was 17, she was 37 with a 16 year old son (and a teacher to boot). Don't do it. The repercussions are grim.

Also, those shared cultural reference points (your youth was in the 90's, he was at best a toddler?) are important. And think about how you will feel when people refer to you as his Mum. Grim.

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