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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you manage the family calendar?

35 replies

blocachoc · 15/10/2022 21:10

Do you manage the family calendar? I think I might have to. DH very lovingly books things in but they are at crazy times i.e. a full on trip to a kid's attraction/exhibition which we have to practically run through as we are due at a family lunch the next second, then after that he has to rush off to do XYZ so we've got to be back at ABC place....Stressful. He has a hectic work diary and he likes to be busy. I want to enjoy these things not squeeze them in back to back. My fault as he asks me if I'm up for these things right in the middle of me looking after the kids/cooking tea. AIBU we need to look at the calendar together after the kids have gone to bed when I've got the capacity to think so it's realistic for us all? We both WFH with primary age kids. At least he is proactive I suppose!

OP posts:
Glitterkitten24 · 15/10/2022 21:15

Yes, grudgingly.
it’s a bugbear though.

Glitterkitten24 · 15/10/2022 21:18

Sorry posted too soon. I have set up shared digital calendars etc for us both to know what’s happening/ book things in but it’s only me that uses it.

He knows better to complain that he didn’t know we were going out on Saturday morning now though, I remind him it’s all on the calendar. Very frustrating.

HollyJollypup · 15/10/2022 21:21

No never.
I don’t need a calendar. I’m pretty good at remembering stuff and I just put stuff in my own calendar if I need to do something on a certain day.

I would also never book a stupid amount in for the day. If we have a zoo/safari booked in for a day then that’s what we do and would stop for a meal on the way back with no time specified. My DH just does what I say.

NorthStarRising · 15/10/2022 21:24

Yes, I have highlighters and everything. 😁
Everyone checks to see what’s when and adds things relevant to them. It works.

Original poster
blocachoc · 15/10/2022 21:26

I can't tell if it's just me who thinks it's too much in one day. He doesn't think it's too much at all but today was such a rush that it wasn't enjoyable.. His answer when I say something is 'I'm just trying to do nice things/I'm not doing anything wrong'

Yes that's lovely but all at once?

OP posts:
Original poster
blocachoc · 15/10/2022 21:28

Today he booked us to:

12pm 'quick' trip to the zoo
2pm family round
3pm family meal out

OP posts:
NorthStarRising · 15/10/2022 21:31

Then you need to sit down and talk and set ground rules between you.
One thing a day? Check with each other before booking/confirming?
Whatever works for both of you and your children.

NorthStarRising · 15/10/2022 21:34

With that list, you could send him to the zoo with the children.😁
Then you have family round and the meal out.

Original poster
blocachoc · 15/10/2022 21:35

To explain...

12pm 'Quick' trip to the zoo for us and our DC
2pm Extended family round ours
3pm Meal out with extended family for special occasion

OP posts:
Original poster
blocachoc · 15/10/2022 21:37

We've agreed to look at the diary when the kids are in bed and check with each other before booking. I think one thing a day is enough when they are little.
He's very efficient and organised at work but family life has different needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
blocachoc · 21/10/2022 10:12

We've have looked at the diary together. When I tell him how I feel about all this and how I want us to enjoy things we all do together and not be rushing through them all, he says ‘sorry, won’t do it again’ and turns and walks out. He won’t have a proper conversation about it.
Then I get frustrated and defensive as I feel I’m not being ‘heard’ and he feels blamed for everything (his words) and this is how our communication goes.
He says he doesn't cope well with being told the same thing again and again. I'm saying it again because I think he just brushes me off. Round and round we go. We can't seem to meet in the middle!

OP posts:
Bump4Xmas · 21/10/2022 10:42

I’d be annoyed at that. What’s the point of booking the zoo for 12 knowing that you have to be home and ready for guests at 2?! Even if you live near the zoo, you’re paying for a day’s entry for about an hour and a half of enjoyment.

Can you agree that all events need an hour buffer between then end of one and start of the next?

Or that if it’s a ticketed event, i.e. something that will take a few hours to actually enjoy, that it’s booked for a day where nothing else is planned? Zoo’s, exhibitions, shows etc always tell you how long the average visit is, get him to check that before hand.

Also if he asks you at a time when you’re busy doing 5 things at once. Tell him to give you a hand and you’ll talk about it later.

We have a shared Google calendar which has made life much simpler. Although I don’t think that will help with your DH booking things in his way.

Original poster
blocachoc · 21/10/2022 11:09

We have a fab shared Google calendar so we can both see all his work/my work, the kids schedule and the family plans.

Totally agree Bump4xmas.

We were all stressed last Sat and I didn't enjoy the family visit at all because we'd been in the car for ages in the queue to get into the zoo at midday and there was tension because we were running late to get back home.

He said 'but I only thought it would be a nice thing to do and we were only going for a quick family dinner afterwards'. It wasn't a quick family thing at all. It was a proper birthday event with people arriving at our house, then picking up elderly parent, settling them, driving everyone around and everyone back to our afterwards etc. It was nice but knackering. He is adamant that is not a busy afternoon (!) and that's where we disagree.

His work diary in the week is packed and he likes it that way and that's fair enough. I love that he likes to make the most of life and be busy but that was too much!

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 21/10/2022 11:14

I manage our calendar. I find it hard work and have tried to pass it on to DH as he is retired and I am not.... but it just doesn't work. I speak to him in advance about things we are planning to do. I put them all in my electronic diary. I write them on the whiteboard in my office (I work from home). Then I will speak to him again to go over the details (e.g. the grandchildren are coming to stay next week, what shall we have to eat/what time shall we pick them dup etc) and he will say he didn't know they were coming to stay. We agreed that the online shopping would be his job, but he doesn't do it. We had a 'disagreement' a couple of months ago about the fact that I was doing it and he felt I was taking over, so I said I would leave it to him. And I did. He then spent around 2 weeks telling me that we needed to do an online shop. I agreed. Nothing happened! Before anyone says... No - he doesn't have dementia. He just had never got around to using a diary/giving himself reminders and now that he's not working he doesn't really pay attention to dates. We had another 'discussion' a few days ago in which I told him that he needs to start putting things into the diary on his phone - and he needs to remember to look at it.
So - the short answer is that I do it and I don't want to.

Original poster
blocachoc · 21/10/2022 11:15

We are away this weekend visiting family and I've suggested rough timings of things so that it's relaxed. He has agreed. It is lovely that he wants to do such nice things :)

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 21/10/2022 11:18

Yes I have to. I like to be organised.

Coasterfan · 21/10/2022 11:27

I organise everything for the kids, we plan together (me and the kids) DH sometimes comes sometimes doesn’t. I just put stuff in my diary I don’t think DH would look at a calendar and he wouldn’t remember so I ll just say for example we are going Alton towers tomorrow do you want to come, if he says yes I ll just add him to our prebook. I m not martyring myself I love days out with the kids and DH isn’t into theme parks like we are.

I would never do what you did last weekend though OP it seems a ridiculous waste of money. We would have done the zoo all day one day and the family stuff the other I hate cramming stuff in like that!

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 21/10/2022 11:29

I do, DH loves a spontaneous trip so I need to make sure everything else is planned and consistent. We have 3 girls under 4 so I rely on plans!

KimberleyClark · 21/10/2022 11:33

We both do it.

Original poster
blocachoc · 21/10/2022 11:50

Yes Carrieonmywaywardsun. You do have to consider things when you've got kids in tow. It's the fact that he argues with me that it wasn't a busy afternoon. How much more does he want to be doing on top of all that? His family were here 2pm-8pm.

OP posts:
Fingernails4Cash · 21/10/2022 11:58

Shared calendars on your phones. Include the kids on the shared calendar as soon as they are old enough. Then people can book things with some confidence about whether the time is free.
Then you don't have to lumber any one person with total control of whole family diary. That approach would drop your DH from booking lovely family activities - I'd want to encourage that sort of thing personally!

Original poster
blocachoc · 21/10/2022 12:14

He knows how much I love and enjoy his ideas and but he books them in at completely unsuitable times.

We do have the shared calendar on our phones. He said that was the only slot they had available for the zoo tickets. I said but just because it's the last slot, it doesn't mean we've all got to bust a gut to fit it in when we're already busy. Do it another day?

He likes to fill a gap in the calendar.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 21/10/2022 12:24

Wow I’d not cope with that. We were going to bath with in laws when ds1 was tiny and his cousin lived in Bristol and I knew Dh wanted them all to visit her too. On booking Bath I said we are absolutely not going or returning via Bristol. Then when his parents came and said ooh bath it’d be lovely to see cousin I said firmly we cannot get to Bristol on this trip. I said this approx 5 more times very clearly and we all agreed on meeting for a pub lunch that was on the way back. I do find I have to quash the excess bookings! But I say firmly I won’t go to that / I can’t think right now so do not book it and we can talk about it tonight / here you take over dinner and bath and I’ll look at the calendar (pour yourself a glass of wine on your way over). Be clear!
in your dhs case I’d ask him if he wanted a glass of wine, pour him one, and whisk it away 10 seconds later saying that should be long enough! Then explain that is how I felt when he booked things back to back. And if he snipes I’ll just not book anything then say calmly that would be a shame as you know I love getting out but If it’s the only way to avoid these overbooked days that make me miserable then yes, perhaps you should just not book anything.

thecatsthecats · 21/10/2022 13:29

I like a bit of space between things too.

Different issue, but we are often booked up for trips away for about HALF the weekends of the year. That's before having plans at home! Leaves us with a few weekends only to chill at home and sort out household stuff.

I'm dreading in laws at Christmas, because we're due to stay with them, but they also expect us to come to their Christmas party, their Christmas Day, and their family new year get together too.

AriettyHomily · 21/10/2022 13:32

We have a paper calendar, anything of importance goes in there, if it's not then it's not 'booked'. Eg if I'm going out in the evening and it's in the calendar and DH suddenly says he's got plans but they're no t in the calendar then it's tough he stays home with the kids (and vice versa). I mark up what kid is where and when.

I then have outlook on my phone and invite him to school events, when I'm away with work etc.

99% of it falls to me and it pisses me off.