To think we are beyond 'girls night' in 2022?

[rosenippl]

I recently started a big new project at work. Entirely new team, about 10 of us. We'll be working together full time on this for the next 2-3 years. None of us know each other.

We had the first site meeting, and then afterwards I assumed we'd all go for a drink to get to know one another. One of the women on the team decided as she lived close, it would make more sense for all the girls to go to her house for a 'girls night' with cheese and wine. It was quite apparent that the men in the team were not invited.

The men said alright then, we'll be going to the bar down the road if anyone wants to come. I went with them, as the idea of going to a colleague's house who I don't know is a bit strange. Plus, I thought in 2022 we had got over the whole 'girls night' thing. With close friends sure, but to the exclusion of male work colleagues? I think that is quite immature, and frankly, unprofessional.

I much prefer mixed company and I wish this whole ‘let’s separate the men and women’ thing would go away - in and out of work.

Why would I want to spend time solely with people who happen to share the same genitals as me? What are we going to be ‘able’ to talk about on a girls’ night that we couldn’t talk about if men were there?

I agree we should have got past this by now.

On a more serious level, it feels like it creates a ‘them and us’ mentality and I don’t think it does anyone any favours.

And yes, that work colleague was rude. She’s segregating the team from the very beginning. I’d wonder why.

WTF???

Why would one of them rape you?

And you do know how the law works?

I agree with @PoundShopPrincess

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon 🤣🤣🤣

Yes, for about the first 20 years of my working life.

Nothing against single sex nights out

But in this context - as a new team - it’s extraordinarily unprofessional and unhelpful. Presumably one of you is the nominal team leader? Talk to them, and organised a full team night out asap,

Can you imagine if this was reversed…

(There’s nothing wrong with piling back to a colleagues house for drinks though, don’t let your irritation at this extend to an all purpose dislike of this woman, it’ll just make your life difficult)

Not necessarily - everyone else in the group may well have read this as the OP saying ‘this is not ok’, which they may have felt relieved about (I would)

But I think the main thing OP is to organise a proper full team event asap

@caroleanboneparte

Are you drunk?

How is it likely anyone would have a chance to rape you if a mixed sex group piled back to your house for some work drinks? Will they hide in the wardrobe and hope you don’t notice one person is missing when it’s time to leave?

No the law would not see you as having consented to sex because you hosted work drinks in your house (how the fuck did you get that idea?)

🥱 🥱 You sound like a bit of a bore. It might not exactly be your ‘thing’ but in a work environment (that in your case will last 2/3 years) sometimes you have to suck these things up to have team harmony,

FWIW, it sounds like great fun and a chance to get to know these people. You come across and quite sneery and feeling you’re superior to these women.

I think, given you are new to the team, I'd have followed the consensus on the night to get an idea of what had gone in before and what the rationale was for peeling off by sex in this way. If there wasn't anything to it, then I'd consider orchestrating a mixed group outing or joining the next bar night out with the men, if that's your preference.

But there could be all sorts of reasons why this custom might be a useful tool to, say, avoid the obligation to spend a fortune, or not have to spend company with the one guy who gets too dunk and annoying or just to plan a team insurrection.

Odd. I'm surprised you were the only woman who joined the men.

Where I’m from girls night or boys night or ‘the girls/boys’ to describe a group of friends is totally normal.

@rosenippl YANBU that it was a weird thing to do on her part.

She’s a bore for not wanting to exclude people from a new team building experience?
mumsnet is nuts.

I’m not a big fan of drinking with colleagues - it’s normally ended in trouble of some form or another, but when it has been ok, it’s because the whole work team have been together rather than separating into ‘cliques’…

Are you alright?

New team, nobody knew each other beforehand.

It's very odd and rude actually to invite half (say) the team to your house. Even if it wasn't split by sex, it would have been odd.

Definitely push the idea of a whole group social thing (low-key like going to the pub after work for drinks) asap. Try and reset the split. Maybe not everyone can or will come, but at least everyone will be invited.

I too think you need to be very pro- active in getting a whole team social. Book a table at the nearest pub for after the next site visit?

I honestly don’t know how women can be taken seriously in a professional environment if they signal to men that they need segregated social time. And it was rude, and against team spirit.

If people want the ‘girls night…Prosecco…naughty giggle..’ thing in their private lives that’s up to them but FFS, the women in your team who attended this icky event need to imagine how it would have felt had you wrapped up the site visit and one of the men had said “right lads, boys night in the pub?”

The whole point was to get to know the team. Immediately separating said team by gender is going to be more unsettling for team dynamics. It’s not playing ‘cool girl’ to not want to buy into that, or to prefer the social environment of a pub over eating cheese at someone’s house.

In this scenario it was a bit weird to just exclude the male members of the team.

Girls night with friends is fine but in that scenario it’s weird. Colleagues gender shouldn’t matter, it’s about getting to know each other so you can work well together. It creates a weird divide!

This does happen quite a bit but I'm reverse, with male colleagues. It's a predominantly male environment and they often exclude women on social events or settings

Shit either way but I don't think we are passed this concept yet in 2022 unfortunately

I’m more impressed that she can just have people over for cheese and wine on a whim tbh.

Didnt she have to clean her house for two days’ solid beforehand? Does she just have a stash of cheese and wine for any occasion?

Agree in a work environment it’s unacceptable

That’s all I took from this also. I’ve found a new thing to aspire to!

Not a fan of "girls' nights" even among friends. All my friendship circles have been mixed (both gender and sexuality) and it would have been deeply strange to segregate them. I've found that the people I know who are deeply invested in gender-segregated socialising (whether girls' nights or lads' nights) are also rather boring and basic, and I haven't especially wanted to be friends with them.

This scenario is even weirder and deeply inappropriate/unprofessional for a team who are meant to be getting to know each other. I can't think of a single acceptable reason for it. If the woman pushing the "girls' night" didn't want to host that many people, or men, at her house, she shouldn't have suggested anything. Everyone should have gone to the pub. Where was the team leader in all of this? The most senior person should have put their foot down and ruled it out.

I do recognise the importance of women's networking spaces in male-dominated industries but this is not the case here at all.