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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH is so awkward around my parents..AIBU?

51 replies

boogieboogie · 15/10/2022 16:35

Hi all,
So I need a bit of advice as to how to deal with this.
DH and I have been together over 10 years and married 5. We have one DC together aged 3.
All this time I have never felt my DH has been himself around my parents, and so it always makes for an awkward occasion. What doesn't help is I'm fairly introverted too, so it's as if he doesn't help me out by making matters worse.

My parents are kind of random, they have a lot of in jokes and are a little bit on the odd side, so I think my husband finds it really hard to know what to say, but rather than just being himself he'll say random things and I cringe knowing he's talking. On the other hand though they are lovely people and I'm very close to them.

The awkward thing is I can see my parents feel awkward too and I've tried talking to DH about this many times but he's in denial.
I think he also feels awkward because his relationship with his parents is very at arms length and when we see them the conversation is only ever small talk. With my parents there's a lot more joking and chatting and it's just not my DHs style so he ends up acting plain weird!

Anyone else have this situation? Any tips? Xxx

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/10/2022 16:38

I vote for leaving your husband alone. You love your parents but even you have made them sound bloody hard work for an introvert. Why does anything have to change and why would it have to be your husband and not your parents?

ToooMuchToDo · 15/10/2022 16:44

Yes! I had same! My DH is awkward with most company to be honest, but was worse with my mum. I didn't mind really because I adore him and just think, well that's him! But it bothered my mum who used to get upset. I told her to imagine he has a diagnosis of autism (he doesn't, but probably could if he wanted one), and every time she sees him, just talk to him and be around him with the empathy you would have for someone with this diagnosis. This seemed to help her.

I also reassured her that while I care about her opinion because I love her, I also love my DH. I know he's not great at eye contact, can make weird conversation, is not himself with her or in other social situations etc... but I love him and will be with him forever and accept him just as he is. So she will need to either accept him as he is too or just feel frustrated every time she sees him.

Tiswa · 15/10/2022 16:50

Why is it your DH who has to change? Why is it all on him

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/10/2022 16:53

Maybe they should stop the in-jokes when they're around other people. It's very rude to do that around people who won't understand the joke.

I8toys · 15/10/2022 16:53

Why is it an issue? He married you not your parents. I appreciate you are close to them but you don't need to spend every single day all together. I rarely see my in laws. Mainly at Christmas, birthdays etc.

carkerpatridge · 15/10/2022 16:56

If your parents have in-jokes he is bound to feel awkward. Is there anything you can say to them to explain the situation? If they are lovely, surely they would want him to be as relaxed as possible when he visits.

HikingforScenery · 15/10/2022 16:57

So he’s making an effort to interact with your parents in spite their “in jokes” and he’s the weird one? In jokes can be excluding tbh

How are you an introvert around your own parents? Have they always used those jokes to exclude you? Are you an introvert around your husband too?

your parents need to meet him halfway

Coffeetree · 15/10/2022 16:58

I'm sure your parents are lovely but indulging in "in-jokes" and quirkiness in front of your husband isn't very friendly. He's not going to know what on earth they're talking about. Are they clueless or do they get a kick out of putting people on the back foot?

It sounds like his random utterances are in response to their in-jokes, which will sound equally random to him.

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 16:59

My parents are kind of random, they have a lot of in jokes and are a little bit on the odd side so they are excluding him from the conversation and your first reaction is to be annoyed at him. YABU beyond ridiculous.

Y7drama · 15/10/2022 16:59

Sounds like your parents are hard work. Why don’t they tone it down to try and make your husband comfortable. Why is it just on your dh to change his behaviour.

Chikapu · 15/10/2022 17:03

The awkward thing is I can see my parents feel awkward too and I've tried talking to DH about this many times but he's in denial

What is it you think he's in denial about? That's an extremely odd thing to say.

sandytooth · 15/10/2022 17:05

Chikapu · 15/10/2022 17:03

The awkward thing is I can see my parents feel awkward too and I've tried talking to DH about this many times but he's in denial

What is it you think he's in denial about? That's an extremely odd thing to say.

And have you spoken to your parents about it? Tell them to stop being so exclusionary?

Safer · 15/10/2022 17:06

Instigate a situation where your DH is alone with just one of your parents at a time.

My DH and Mum were always a bit awkward with each other. My Mum cracks alot of jokes that aren't funny really. One day I left them alone for a few hours (can't remember why, thinks DH was helping her in the garage and I was running late). They wound up in a deep and meaningful conversation for over an hour and it changed things from there on. He started to understand her more as a person in her own right.

Sometimes removing yourself from the situation and allowing your partner to get to know your parents as individuals - I.e divide them up and it can really help.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 15/10/2022 17:08

Let it go, OP. It may be that they never feel 100% comfortable around each other, but it sounds like they're all doing their best which is what matters.

Mosaic123 · 15/10/2022 17:11

Maybe you should go out with them, to a playground or something that your son would enjoy. The conversation may flow more freely when you are not in the house but are doing something else

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2022 17:11

FGS, leave your husband alone and stop trying to micromanage his relationships. You said yourself your parents are "random" and say odd things. As long as he's polite and respectful, stay out of it and don't bug him about it.

flatterthanever · 15/10/2022 17:11

Yeah I have a bit the same. DH doesn’t like groups and is always a bit difficult at family events, often zoned out and comes across as rude but it’s just his way. I end up minimising the meetings which makes me a bit sad when it comes to Xmas and such and we just do a tiny one without any extended fam

Original poster

boogieboogie · 15/10/2022 17:16

Thank you to those with some good advice!

So what I should say is that DPs do tone things down to meet him in the middle, and he's known them long enough to know they're nice people who just have some quirks.
What I don't feel like DH is doing is meeting them in the middle, and when I say in denial I mean he literally denies outright that he acts any differently, when to me he acts like a different person who's lost their sense of humour.

I know DH well and he's only like this round my parents which is why is irritating for me, as I want to show off the lovely charming man I married, but I feel like they never get to see this.

I have tried the approach of bigging him up and saying to him how much they like him etc. I've also tried the moan-ier version saying it irritates me I don't think they see the real him etc, nothing changes his general vibe around them.

Maybe it's just a lack of chemistry..

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/10/2022 17:17

Why are they making your husband feel uncomfortable?
Have you spoken to them about why they do it?

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2022 17:17

You all sound awkward, honestly.

My parents are kind of random, they have a lot of in jokes and are a little bit on the odd side
So it’s fair to say anyone might find them hard work?

I'm fairly introverted too, so it's as if he doesn't help me out
They’re your parents - do you feel awkward around them?

I don’t think telling your husband he’s not himself’ around them or ‘is acting weird’ is likely to make things any better - do you? Drawing attention to someone’s perceived failings is just going to make them more and more self-conscious and make it impossible for him to relax or be himself.

What sort of hanging out do you all do - can you make it more activity based so there’s a focus, not just chatting. Can he cook so he’s in the kitchen, or be in charge of childcare?

And does he think the dynamic is odd? Would he prefer to just see them less?

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2022 17:17

My husband is older than me. He was my brothers friend and came around regularly. When we started dating it was awkward as my dad thought he was too old for me and their relationship was strained mostly because he felt my dad thought he wasn't good enough. They never said anything to him but it was just there. It took ages to pass, years. Mum and dad did come to accept he was a great daddy and a good husband. In later years he got on well with them.

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2022 17:19

I want to show off the lovely charming man I married

Kindly, this is not healthy. Just leave it be. You love him, they love you - they don’t have to love him like you do.

Chikapu · 15/10/2022 17:24

It sounds like you're trying to force a relationship that just isn't there, if it hasn't happened naturally then there's really nothing you can do about it. I'm sure you harping on about it is irritating to him.
I don't feel all that comfortable around my husbands parents, I'm sure I don't seem like myself in their company but he's never mentioned it or tried to change it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/10/2022 17:24

Maybe you're just putting too much pressure on him. I'm introverted and the more pressure I feel in a social situation the more I go in on myself and/or say something stupid.

Squirrelblanket · 15/10/2022 17:26

Are they perhaps doing the 'in jokes' around him because they want him to ask what they mean so he can be included? I've had people do this with me and tbh it's really tedious, however kindly it's meant. If you weren't there when the joke was established it'll never be particularly funny but then you're stuck in the position of having to pretend it is forevermore.

Maybe it is just chemistry as you say. It's disappointing for you that they just don't click but that's the way it goes sometimes. Trying to force it isn't going to make anyone happy.

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