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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is so awkward around my parents..AIBU?

51 replies

boogieboogie · 15/10/2022 16:35

Hi all,
So I need a bit of advice as to how to deal with this.
DH and I have been together over 10 years and married 5. We have one DC together aged 3.
All this time I have never felt my DH has been himself around my parents, and so it always makes for an awkward occasion. What doesn't help is I'm fairly introverted too, so it's as if he doesn't help me out by making matters worse.

My parents are kind of random, they have a lot of in jokes and are a little bit on the odd side, so I think my husband finds it really hard to know what to say, but rather than just being himself he'll say random things and I cringe knowing he's talking. On the other hand though they are lovely people and I'm very close to them.

The awkward thing is I can see my parents feel awkward too and I've tried talking to DH about this many times but he's in denial.
I think he also feels awkward because his relationship with his parents is very at arms length and when we see them the conversation is only ever small talk. With my parents there's a lot more joking and chatting and it's just not my DHs style so he ends up acting plain weird!

Anyone else have this situation? Any tips? Xxx

OP posts:
KilmordenCastle · 15/10/2022 17:26

My dh is a shy and awkward person. He is shy and awkward around my family. We have been together for 15 years and he is almost as shy and awkward around them now as he was when we were a new couple.

This is just who he is, I accept him the way he is and my family accepts him the way he is too. Perhaps they would love it if I was married to Mr charming, I don't know 🤷‍♀️ But I'm not and that's not my type at all anyway. I love my dh and he treats me and the dc's very well and that's all they care about really so they leave him be and don't pressure him into conversation.

Also I don't get why you are shy around your own family and expect your dh to carry the conversation for you?

Whatsleftnow · 15/10/2022 17:29

I think your priorities are misplaced. Both dh and I are sort of protective of each other around our families. I notice my db is the same with his wife.

Its part of the puzzle of how I knew dh was the one - I cared far more about what he thought of my friends than what they thought of him.

fuckinghorgel · 15/10/2022 17:36

Why does it matter? People are different, and it sounds like if you were not married your DPs and DH wouldn't choose to socialise and don't gel.

Surely he doesn't have to be around them that often? As long as he's civil and friendly I think it's fine.

I wouldn't choose to spend time with several family members/in laws. I just see them when required, I smile and make small talk, then I get on with my life.

dottiedodah · 15/10/2022 17:43

As far as I know I dont have Autism.However I would be uncomfortable with couples who do this .They sound like they are 16 or something! Maybe as PP says go out with them somewhere like the park or a coffee perhaps

maddiemookins16mum · 15/10/2022 17:51

To be fair, it sounds as if your parents are the ones causing this, I feel sorry for your DP.

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 15/10/2022 17:53

I have been with husband 17 married 14 and he still doesn't call them anything but will chat to them.

IntentionalError · 15/10/2022 17:56

My sympathies are with your DH, I’m afraid. Most people are not particularly close to their in laws and prefer to remain polite & civil but not over-familiar with them. I certainly do.

For him, dealing with his in laws who are ‘odd’, ‘random’, ‘awkward’, have quirks’ & ‘in jokes’ must be difficult. Frankly, they sound like a nightmare. In his position, I would be trying to minimise the amount of time I spent around them. I suggest you stop trying to make him & them best buddies, let him back off and accept that they are never going to be close.

AngelinaFibres · 15/10/2022 17:58

maddiemookins16mum · 15/10/2022 17:51

To be fair, it sounds as if your parents are the ones causing this, I feel sorry for your DP.

This.
Quirky people are mainly just arseholes.
In jokes are vile. They are only appropriate if every single person is 'in' or if someone will happily explain them to a new person in an actively inclusive way.
If he is still uncomfortable after this length of time it is unlikely to change. He has joined your family. It is up to them to realise how wonderful it is when people make you feel welcome and how awful the feeling is in the pit of your stomach when you have to visit people who make you feel like an outsider over and over again

carkerpatridge · 15/10/2022 18:04

You say he is in denial about behaving differently. Maybe this "different" behaviour is just his natural reaction to feeling uncomfortable and so is not something that he is doing intentionally or is even aware of. If he feels awkward, he almost certainly can't do anything to prevent it.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/10/2022 18:06

He'll feel worse by saying that to him.

It's his way.

wellstopdoingitthen · 15/10/2022 18:08

My ex partner would always take a magazine to read when we visited my family. Very embarrassing, when I challenged him about it he just told me that he found them boring.

CarefreeMe · 15/10/2022 18:16

What are you like around his parents?

Testina · 15/10/2022 18:23

Your parents sound like a pain in the arse. Leave him be. You’ll not make things any less awkward by going on at him or “bigging him up” - god, if my husband was banging on about how much his weirdo parents do like me, really, it would just make me think they absolutely didn’t and my husband was trying desperate to patronise me into believing it! I’d end up even more awkward around them!

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 15/10/2022 18:24

If he's only like this around your parents then I think you're right about it being an unfortunate lack of chemistry.

People who make "in jokes" around others are tedious though. They're deliberately excluding others from a conversation. The whole point is that you enjoy them in certain circumstances, otherwise you're just a pair of bores who shout out "I'm sorry, I thought you said it only came with custard" every time a certain event happens.

Loics · 15/10/2022 18:30

To be honest, your description of your parents sounds like how my in-laws could be described if you're being generous. What most people seem to describe them as, however, is "insular", "odd" and "bloody hard work"!

BeanieTeen · 15/10/2022 18:38

I imagine it’s tricky being an introvert - but in my experience it’s really not that hard to make an introvert feel reasonably comfortable. If someone feels uncomfortable around you then you need to look into what you’re doing in my opinion - you’re parents sound like hard work with their in jokes that probably aren’t very funny. It’s al kindly meant I’m sure as a pp said - but I think ironically that makes them no less socially awkward than your DH.

DarkShade · 15/10/2022 19:12

I can really relate to this completely because my family (particularly DM and siblings) are like this. Honestly I find it a nightmare. When I was young and 'in' it just felt like they are funny and quirky and interesting and it's up to partners to keep up. Friends would be envious of how well we all got on, but really it was only by indulging my mum's particular humour, which revolved around her being so different and quirky. But ever since my mind 20s after living by myself for a while and becoming 'out' I realized how tedious and annoying it is. I felt awful for having subjected past boyfriends to it, when really I should have been fighting their corner to parents. Now I have been out of their circle for so long that I get through visits by being civil and distant. I have decent (if distant) relationships with them individually because they can't do the 'oh so random and quirky in joke reference' to just me. Sometimes they try, I act like they have not spoken.

Anyway moral of the story is: your parents are probably very annoying, I am also team husband. But I get it! And am not still not sure that my approach in the same situation is exactly right.

@ToooMuchToDo I love how you describe how you feel about your husband. That sounds like one special relationship.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/10/2022 19:14

So they're odd. You're both introverted. You're telling him he's not acting normal. You expect him to help you feel more at ease. Honestly, it's no wonder it's awks!

But don't tell me that you're introverted with your parents and DH who you have good relationships with. You have to be the glue here. Or just enjoy your parents' company and don't put any pressure on him or them to be anything other than your parents and your DH. They don't have to be at ease, love or even like each other. As long as it's civil, that's not bad going given the mix of people.

Discovereads · 15/10/2022 19:16

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/10/2022 16:53

Maybe they should stop the in-jokes when they're around other people. It's very rude to do that around people who won't understand the joke.

^This.
Nothing says exclusion like having hi-lar-ious in jokes that have everyone in stitches except for the baffled outsider.

Your parents are being rude.

Christmasfun2022 · 15/10/2022 19:18

Ahhhh OP I could have written this, and I can so relate to wanting to show off the charming, kind, lovely man I married and reassure them of how happy we are but it just not coming across because of the awkwardness 🙈. We are a bit further along, together 15 years married 7 with two kids under 5. My husband is a big introvert (like me but I hide it better!) and awkward in social situations in general. This seems to be more awkward around my Dad and it sometimes makes me cringe. Doesn’t help that my Dad can be a bit weird as well, takes things to heart a lot. I find we just kind of deal with it, with my DH it definitely doesn’t help forcing him to chat etc and it has got less awkward over the years. The worst incident was last Christmas where my husband got a bit tipsy and was making jokes to my dad that he took the wrong way. However he redeemed himself at my daughters baptism and really made a massive effort which I appreciated…my DH family is similar to yours as well, a strange dynamic, and very emotionally closed off, lots of favouritism going on to the youngest daughter (I could go on but it’s another thread). The only advice I can give is don’t go down the rabbit hole of worrying too much what other people (ie your family) think, you know how happy you are, and actually most people are too wrapped up in their own problems to notice other peoples behaviour as much as you think iyswim? This is sometimes easier said than done for a people pleaser like me!

Georgesgrumpymedicine · 15/10/2022 19:26

Why are you so bothered what they think of him? Could it be that you are still seeking their approval and makes him feel uncomfortable.

Someone feeling awkward is often because there's something deeper going on. Maybe time to look at your relationship with them and try to break free a bit.

hellcatspangle · 15/10/2022 19:30

My DH is awkward around lots of people, even his own family.

It's been bloody hard work over the years, and 90% of the time I've just accepted that he prefers not to socialise unless it suits him. Therefore anytime I have my family over, I give him the option to opt out. Sometimes he sucks it up and sometimes he opts out and I just let him get on with it.

PinkSyCo · 15/10/2022 19:44

So you are introverted ( even around your parents? ) and expect him to help you with YOUR awkwardness? What about supporting him with his when he is forced to mix with your odd parents with their rude “in” jokes, instead of making him feel even more awkward by cringing at and dissecting everything that comes out of the poor fella’s mouth?

DoubleNit · 15/10/2022 19:57

Yeah my dh is somewhat like this. He's really introverted and I suppose sometimes it can feel a bit awkward for me. But I try to keep in mind what an effort he's making when it's not his comfort zone at all, we all know what he's like and there's no pressure for him to socialise.

Diverseopinions · 15/10/2022 20:10

Personally, I think you should let the tide of time wash over all this, and let the pebbles settle down into their own pattern. Your parents will appreciate DH for what he does, not what he says. So many things can happen over the years, where strength and fortitude are required, that I think they will forge an understanding of what he values and this will give them pleasure, and make it seem that they know him - like he's a son, hopefully.

It's a little difficult to know what 'in' jokes means - is it for them, the family - or socially 'in' references? Is it a bit intellectual and exclusive, their chat? It's hard to work out whether your parents could or ought to do more to make him feel relaxed about joining the family. But it kind of feels as if they could do more.