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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

. . . to withdraw from this "friendship"?

37 replies

SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:09

I'm quite sad and upset just now. I've been close friends with two other women for about six years, and they've been friends longer, probably about ten years. We've been on weekends and family holidays together and supported each other through IVF and babies etc.

Things were great up until about four months ago. One of the women - Friend A - mentioned in the group chat that she and the other woman - Friend B - had met up for a coffee without me. I thought nothing of it, assumed they had things to chat about. Since that first time, they've had weekends away together and meet-ups that Friend A then mentions in the group chat afterwards, and each time I've felt a little excluded, but got a grip and told myself it didn't matter. When we do meet up, a big thing is made of how we're a threesome etc. and that reassures me.

I've just browsed Facebook and Friend A has put a photo on of her and Friend B drinking cocktails in town.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt and want to quietly withdraw from the friendship? It's clearly not the friendship I thought it was, and I have other lovely friends that I spend time with and enjoy their company. I'm just thinking that maybe I'm being subtly told that they don't really want me to be around them anymore?

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 15/10/2022 15:11

Yanbu. Don't give them a big reaction. Just let them go. They're not being good friends to you.

Bywayofanupdate · 15/10/2022 15:13

I would feel the same way as you, if it hadn't just changed recently I would have thought much of it.
I recently left a friendship because of something similar, I do wish that I had spoken to her about it though. Could you mention that it's making you feel hurt?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 15/10/2022 15:14

You can withdraw from the friendship for any reason you like, if it isn't making you feel good then you probably should.

That said, I don't think they are doing anything wrong, they were friends before you came along, and it sounds like they still make an afford to communicate and meet up with you, they obviously just like spending time together too, just as you like spending time with your other friend groups.

ilovelamp82 · 15/10/2022 15:14

If they're telling you that you are a threesome when you are together then maybe not. When you suggest meeting, do they go or avoid it? If they have been friends for longer then they may have a different dynamic when it's just the two of them. But as long as they are also meeting and socialising with you then their friendship as a 2 and your friendship don't have to be mutually exclusive.

J0y · 15/10/2022 15:14

Yeh, absolutely nothing to be gained from asking them why.
It hurts, but agree with pp, don't give them a visible reaction. 😞

Hankmelvin · 15/10/2022 15:15

They've already withdrawn from you OP. Horrible and it sounds like they're very in your face about it.

😔 just cut them out now. I doubt they'll even notice your quietness

(Been in this situation myself. They thought nothing of me withdrawing! They barely remembered my existence!)

PurpleWisteria1 · 15/10/2022 15:17

But they were friends before they even met you?
I am in a group like this and have been in other 3’s before. Whilst I enjoy being in the group I also enjoy just one friends company more than the others so two of us will go out sometimes and all 3 of us at other times. Normally bigger night out etc we will all go, but plenty of day trips have been had with just me and one other?
we don’t tend to brag about it to the 3rd person in the group though!

Original poster
SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:22

Thanks all . . . it's just so hurtful, I'm having flashbacks to the little cliques at school! And there's only so many times I can put in a brave face and tell myself it doesn't matter.

It also feels a little bit like Friend A is always really keen to tell me she spent time with Friend B without me - a few weekends ago she messaged me privately early in the morning out of the blue to say she had a hangover from being out with Friend B the night before. I thought it was a bit odd, like she was making a point of telling me . . .

I agree with you all - I'm just going to let the friendship slide. It's a shame because they are both lovely people, Friend B is an amazing human being, but I think a friendship should (on balance) make you feel happy and good, not sad and anxious!

OP posts:
fuckinghorgel · 15/10/2022 15:25

Do you invite them out/initiate meeting up?

Original poster
SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:33

Yes, I do suggest meeting up; I've noticed that the last couple of times Friend A has cancelled at the last minute and we end up agreeing to rearrange.

OP posts:
Wideawakeandconfused · 15/10/2022 15:33

In the middle of this now and it’s awful. On the face of it, of course it’s normal to meet on a 1-2-1 but when you’re also left out of fun things like drinks out etc, that makes no sense and you can’t help but take it personally. What’s left of the friendship if there’s no fun anymore? You’ll find yourself second guessing everything and that’s no way to live.

Original poster
SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:37

Exactly, @Wideawakeandconfused - I feel anxious, like I've done something wrong. And it's not great for self-esteem either! Sorry to hear that several of you are or have experienced something similar.

It's not the end of the world, just a bit sad Sad

OP posts:
WrenNatsworthy · 15/10/2022 15:37

It sounds like letting this friendship slide will make you unhappy.

I have a 'best friend' and even though we're in various friendship groups with other people sometimes we just want to see each other on our own. It doesn't mean we don't like the other people.

Enjoy their friendship for what it is, and your other friendships away from them. It doesn't sound like they are mean or nasty to you?

Greyarea12 · 15/10/2022 15:38

Yeah I agree not to give them a reaction.

I also agree with you where friend A is trying to make it obvious to you that they are meeting up & not inviting you and therefore she seems quite nasty.

I would withdraw and concentrate on your other friends who don't make you feel shit.

IndianSummer78 · 15/10/2022 15:40

I'd drop out. Friend A doesn't appear to like you. Friend B likes you but you're second best, she won't go out if it's just the two of you, she'll cancel and wait until friend A can come too. But friend A is cancelling because you're coming, so the situation doesn't work.

Original poster
SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:41

@WrenNatsworthy no, definitely not mean or nasty. Both lovely people. Friend A can be a bit controlling and can sometimes be a bit passive-aggressive but overall she's a good person.

Totally fine with friends meeting up independently, it just feels like Friend A is very keen to make sure I know it happened and it feels a little odd.

I'm going to let it all roll off me; water off a ducks back.

OP posts:
TheHoover · 15/10/2022 15:43

YANBU.
Friend A may be a mean girl

glasshole · 15/10/2022 15:50

I personality think friend A is the problem here. She is actively trying to make you feel bad by rubbing to tell you she is "suffering" due to the fun her and B had without you. She is also the most likely to cancel plans with the three of you and say to reschedule . I would reschedule, and if she cancels ask B to go ahead anyway. Three things could happen.

1-A suddenly managed to join you anyway.
2- You and B have a great time regardless
3- B says no so nobody goes out. Then you have a firmer idea of if the issue is mostly A, or if both A and B prefer each other's company.

I only say to do it this way as I've been in your shoes in the past. Turned out that my version of A was telling B that she didn't want to invite me due to me being so busy and having worries . The point being to make B believe that A was doing me a favour and knew there was a reason I couldn't go ( all bollocks). A wanted to look gracious in Bs eyes while cutting me out and trying to get closer to her. Me and B are still friends, we haven't seen or spoken to A for years. Once she knew the game was up she slowly faded out of our lives and moved onto another group to upset their dynamic.

Ihaveamagicwand · 15/10/2022 15:51

I had this too. A three way friendship group which lasted years while I was useful for sharing lifts as one friend didn’t have a car. Then as soon as she got one, I was dropped more quickly than a hot cake.

It took me right back to the playground! But I made sure they looked like the immature ones not me. I tried to keep the moral high ground and be as polite and friendly as possible when necessary.

i know it hurts OP but chin up. Grey rock them and let them go. You’re worth more than the scraps they deign to throw for you. 💐

honeylulu · 15/10/2022 16:09

Sounds like A might feel she no longer wishes to share "her" friend B. Could she be worried that you and B were growing closer and was afraid she (A) might end up as the spare friend? So she's engineering ways to leave you out and making sure you know it.

I've experienced something similar though it was from a new friend who joined our group and wanted to monopolise two particular people and get rid of the other two of us. She took on a big organising role so that lots of events were at her house or started there and she'd "forget" to invite the unchosen ones or say to the others (untruthfully) that we'd indicated we couldn't come because of the baby/dog/work. It took a while for us all to work out what was going on. (She later left the group in a fit of pique after taking offence at something. Don't miss her one bit!)

Can you try investing in B and setting up some 121s.If B is still keen then you'll know the problem is A.

Original poster
SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 16:31

Hi @honeylulu - I think there might be a very watered-down version of that going on. I don't think Friend A is deliberately and consciously trying to engineer me out of the group. She really is a lovely person. But I do think that she can be a little possessive with B.

I don't want to play games or try to engineer anything or become closer to B - feels wrong. And exhausting. I'm too old for all that Grin

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 15/10/2022 16:47

Threes rarely work in my experience, one is always left out. Clearly friend A is making damn sure it isn’t her.
That said they have been friends for longer.
So it’s complex.
Either way if you are feeling hurt and rejected regularly it’s probably not worth it op.
Are you closer to B? Maybe focus on a one to one friendship with her, but if she continues to cancel that is not a good sign either.

I would spend my time with friends that make me valued and enough op.

WingsgivenbyRedBull · 15/10/2022 16:50

SadAndConfused22 · 15/10/2022 15:22

Thanks all . . . it's just so hurtful, I'm having flashbacks to the little cliques at school! And there's only so many times I can put in a brave face and tell myself it doesn't matter.

It also feels a little bit like Friend A is always really keen to tell me she spent time with Friend B without me - a few weekends ago she messaged me privately early in the morning out of the blue to say she had a hangover from being out with Friend B the night before. I thought it was a bit odd, like she was making a point of telling me . . .

I agree with you all - I'm just going to let the friendship slide. It's a shame because they are both lovely people, Friend B is an amazing human being, but I think a friendship should (on balance) make you feel happy and good, not sad and anxious!

Drop A and just hang out with B. It sounds like it might be A asking only B to do things.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/10/2022 17:01

I’m in a 3, sometimes 4, friendship group. I see them on their own, with one other, or all together. We’re busy, live apart and if we had to wait until all 4 of us were available, it would hardly ever happen. I’m also in another 3, where I have a regular arrangement with one of them (yoga weekly) and see the other on an ad hoc basis, with or without the other one. They see each other without me too.

Can you try and see just B? A sounds a bit mean.

Prinnny · 15/10/2022 17:36

Hmm tricky because your still chatting and spending time together so your not excluded as such but I get it hurts. It’s hard when they have a long-standing friendship that predates yours, if you pull them up on it I imagine they’ll get all defensive and play it down.

If you want to continue the friendship id probably bring it up in a non confrontational way in person, such as ‘where was my invite last time’ etc and see what they have to say.