. . . to withdraw from this "friendship"?

[SadAndConfused22]

I'm quite sad and upset just now. I've been close friends with two other women for about six years, and they've been friends longer, probably about ten years. We've been on weekends and family holidays together and supported each other through IVF and babies etc.

Things were great up until about four months ago. One of the women - Friend A - mentioned in the group chat that she and the other woman - Friend B - had met up for a coffee without me. I thought nothing of it, assumed they had things to chat about. Since that first time, they've had weekends away together and meet-ups that Friend A then mentions in the group chat afterwards, and each time I've felt a little excluded, but got a grip and told myself it didn't matter. When we do meet up, a big thing is made of how we're a threesome etc. and that reassures me.

I've just browsed Facebook and Friend A has put a photo on of her and Friend B drinking cocktails in town.

AIBU to feel a bit hurt and want to quietly withdraw from the friendship? It's clearly not the friendship I thought it was, and I have other lovely friends that I spend time with and enjoy their company. I'm just thinking that maybe I'm being subtly told that they don't really want me to be around them anymore?

Knock that on the head. Stick to the original plan and go with friend B still.

If you think your friendship has any chance of being salvaged you are going to need to talk with them concerning how you are feeling. Although, the picture of how you painted A does not sound good. Just because someone may not be inherently a bad person does not mean that she values your friendship.

I thought I had good friend, and I still think our friendship was genuine at one time, but then it turned out that she was talking crap about me behind my back. It is a long story but the point is that really hurt me. At least with the "mean girls" you know they don't like you and will tell you to screw off, but a false friend or a friend who came to dislike you (but still wears a mask) is much worse. I still don't think she is a malicious person at heart but I keep my distance. We keep our distance.

If you don't want to talk with A you might want to at least speak with B.

Friendship is not supposed to make you feel miserable. If you want to walk away you don't have anything to justify and if neither are taking the time to want to reach out to you then you might have your answer on if it is for the best to walk away. But keep in mind that they are not mind readers and communication is important in any relationship you want to maintain.

Have you thought about meeting either of those two one on one also? Do they meet at times where you’re not available?

That's hurtful of them . In your shoes I'd quietly withdraw , you have other friends so won't be lonely .
I don't get why people do this though it's obvious if you're a threesome not inviting one person to events is hurtful . How did they expect you to feel .

@BiscuitLover3678 maybe an occasional time, but recently there's been about three occasions where I've been available. And would have loved to join them, if I'd been asked.

The problem is, they're so NICE when we do meet up, I end up pushing the anxiety out of my mind.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel left out, it's a natural reaction however I wouldn't personally mind I would just get on with doing my own thing. I'd also consider how much effort I make, do I turn things down regularly, do I suggest meeting up as regularly as they do, is it easier for them to hang out last minute moreso than it would be for me. I would invest in other people as well so you don't feel like you need them so much and just enjoy when you do see them.

I think you are being very generous about Friend A’s qualities.

Don’t bring it up with both of them. A is the problem- not B.

I’d gently broach the subject with B - ask if there’s a problem. If B is a good egg, then she’ll maybe twig that A is trying to manipulate things. If she and A are equally to blame for this situation, then you’ll soon find out.

I suspect that the reason they are both really nice to you when you meet is that Friend B likes you, and friend A is jealous. Friend A has to go along with the threesome because that’s what Friend B wants ( and she doesn’t want to look bitchy in front of her).

I was friends in a threesome. Sometimes I did feel a bit miffed of they did something together, but then equally I would do something as a couple with each of them too. I think it's just adult friendships and sometimes it's nice to have 1:1 time too and theres nothing wrong with that. I think them mentioning it on your whatsapp group if its happening alot as it seems, is odd, I'd probably slowly withdraw, it all seems a bit childish

Sorry, I've just read this and changed my mind. Don't worry about it OP, they obviously like you and just want to do things together sometimes too, and thats ok. It is dumb putting on the whatsapp though, but people can be dumb 🤷🏼‍♀️

Perhaps in their way they are trying to make you feel included by mentioning it on the Whatsapp group, not realising it is having the opposite effect?

They are mean and I would slip away . How on earth do they expect you to feel about this . What they are doing is very hurtful .

I don't think A is as lovely as you think.

I would focus on other friends and step back from these two and see what happens. No need to speak to them (A knows what she is doing when she puts those messages on WhatsApp ) or cut them off completely. Friendships ebb and flow, this one may still be a friendship but in a different form.

I had a friend situation going on recently. Someone who I thought was a close friend who has been making less and less effort over several months, to the point that all contact was being initiated by me. It seemed that she was happy to chat via messages, but as soon as meeting up was mentioned the messages would be 'missed' or ignored. It was quite a change, i decided not to speak to her about it as I think in most cases no one will be truthful if you do that. I just thought that if I don't know what I may have done 'wrong'. then it can't be that big a reason. She was still going out with other people so I knew it was specific to me.

I knew I needed to move on as I would never have an answer. She obviously has her reasons, but also didn't seem bothered about the hurt she caused so clearly wasn't such a great friend.

I focussed on other friendships and working on my self esteem. I'm still friends with the person concerned , but she has a less important role in my life which is better. It's a way of taking back control in a situation you don't feel you have much say in..Funnily enough she instigates more contact now than before , which I am sure is because I stopped running about chasinf her!