I posted this on relationships, but think it'd be better here as I may be being unreasonable- mum and sister again. V fed up.

[Mumblesmummy]

Hi everyone.

I whinged a whinged when my sister totally ignored me when i got pregnant. She and her DH didn't speak to me for 3 months and I talked about it a lot on here and got very good advice. Then she got pregnant with twins so she saw fit to speak to me again.

Anyway, things had improved loads and we'd been getting on well. Until today.

We're both teachers- she's full time and I'm part time because I'm still training. I asked mum a few months ago what was happening about childcare, as I knew my sister had been whinging that mum would be looking after my baby.

That's not the case because DPs family are all desperate to play a part too, and I'm only working part time anyway as I want to spend as much time as poss with babba. However, i do want my baby to be able to spend a morning or two a week with my mum as she's an AMAZING mum and I want him to have one to one time with his nana.

So today i find out she wants my mum to look after her twins the full five days a week that her and her DP work, when they are born, a couple of months after my baby is due.

This means that if my baby was to go and see his nana while I'm working, there will always be two slightly younger babies there being looked after. Which i feel is too many for her to look after anyway as it's not fair, she's already raised her own 3 children.

This means that not only will I not be able to have my mum (the person i am most comfortable with looking after him) looking after my baby, but I will have to send him to DPs mum, auntie (who's like DPs 2nd mum), sister, or maybe a baby group at the college (only if it's good- if not, he can just got to DPs family for the 12 hours a week I'll be working).

I just think it is sooooooooooooo selfish. She acts as though my baby's totally unimportant or doesn't exist anyway, when he is the single most important thing in the world to me and DP. My mum is really excited about my baby coming and she wants to spend time with him- but I just cannot see how it will work.

At the weekends, my dad and brother are at home so it's not the same. Plus my DPs off some of the weekend so we'll be visiting people, doing family things etc etc.

I'm just really put out. And I find her to be so selfish.

But what can i do??

What does your mum think? Has she said yes to looking after the twins full time?

It's a massive responsibility and really unfair of your sister to expect this much time from your mum - but it's your mum's responsibility to see this isn't fair to you or your child and deal with your sister accordingly.

Five full days a week means that your mum will find it hard to do her supermarket shopping, to go to the dentist, hairdresser, whatever she does during the week. Has she realised this?

Yeah but she just never says no to my sister on anything. Or even if she does, my sister always gets her own way in the end. My mum will have a full time unpaid job. She doesn't want to let my sister down or seem like she doesn't care about her grandchildren, but I think it's a ridiculous demand.

She hasn't said yes to it, but she hasn't said no either and I know she'll get badgered into it. She's really upset that I said my baby will have to go to DPs mum, sister and auntie and she won't have time for him and she said she REALLY wants to have time with him and help look after him. He's her first grandchild and she's so excited. I just cannot see how that can work, as she'll be with my sisters kids all the time, so how can she look after mine?

It's a mess

Does your Mum find it hard to say 'no' to your sister by any chance?

I doubt from what you've said that she would really want to be a full-time childcarer. In my experience that kind of undermines the joy of a grandparent role.

Agree, your mum needs to think about the implications of providing care for your sisters twins on a five days per week basis. Sure she will want to see her grandchildren, but she will want to see all her grandchildren, not just the twins, but your son as well.

Not sure there is much you can do, apart from talk to your mum to establish if she will be caring for the twins M-F, or if infact she is more likely to offer your sister the same as you, where she only provides a limited amount of childcare.

3 babies, similar ages? Impossible.

I think your sister is being a tad unreasonable and is also cashing in her goodwill since childcare for twin babies would cost a fortune.

yeah, i seriously cannot understand how my sister always gets her own way. It's beyond me. Mum just won't say no to her at all.
Anyone know why this is?

Doe she sulk or throw a bit of a tantrum if she doesn't get her own way?

Would paying for childcare be an issue?

In a couple of years time, she could have 3 toddlers on her hands, wrecking her house. Maybe your sister is assuming it will be m-f 5/7 but your mum is envisaging one day a week. You'll have to talk to them both.

Sorry, I keep cross posting

Can you say anything to your sister? Maybe along the "I'm worried Mum won't have any time to herself" line?

It has to be your mum, really, though. Can you get her to be really strong with your sister, go through it with her?

Just things like she can't do for your sister something she's not doing for you, given that you're both near enough for her to have them while you work?

And that she can't manage three small babies by herself, so it'll have to be separate days that she has the twins and your DS, at least till they're a bit older.

And that she's concerned about having time to fit in dentist/doctor/hairdresser/supermarket, etc, etc - she'll have to find time to buy and prepare food for them once they're weaned, after all.

Crikey! It would be a massive deal for your mother if she had the twins five days a week. Much too much of a committment for someone who should be enjoying her grandchildren (all of them) rather than being required to have them all the time.

I feel faint at the thought of 3 babies under 1 year in one house with one person to care for them all day . Ok, the babies probably aren't too bad at first but it's when they get active or start weaning! I'm probably 30 years younger than your Mum. I wouldn't be happy if my Mum seemed to being put in this position since it's simply not fair all round.

Your mum is torn between the two of you, you all need to sit in one room and talk about this in a reasonable manner.

I think 5 days a week with twins is asking too much TBH.

I day each, and give your mum 3 days off and her weekends would be best.

Just because your sister wants something, it doesn't mean that she's going to get it. If you've spoken to her about looking after your lo and she's agreed, then I'm sure she'll take that into account when she's deciding whether or not to look after the twins too. You siad your mum is amazing, which means she has successfully dealt with you 2 and your relationships with eachother. Do you think she will be able to say no to your sister? Like you said, she has already brought up her own family and she'll know how much work it is, I doubt she'll relish the idea of going through it all again!
One more thing- your sister may be saying that she's going back to work ft as soon as they are born, but the chances are when they arrive she'll want to spend time with them too... I know I had that mind set when I was pregnant, but when my lo was born the last thing I wanted to do was leave him!
Good luck though, it sounds like your sister demands a lot of negotiating, which can be tiring.
Talk to your mum, you can't do anything until you get her point of view on this.

No, it's quite clear to me that before your sister gets the chance to wheedle your mum round on this, you need to have already said to your mum that there's no way you're happy about her having all three babies by herself and you wouldn't dream of asking her to, so you'll be making other arrangements if she does say yes to your sister - and that you're not happy about it, but if your mum feels she can't say no to your sister, what are you to do?

Do remember though that your sister's babies will be your DS's cousins - and being so close in age will be fabulous for them - if you and she can work out your own issues. It might be that once the babies are born, all this becomes a moot point. Don't fall out over it antenatally, if at all possible. You might be each other's biggest rocks when you've had the babies.

Sorry, most of my q's have already been asked- it took me a while to write my msg!

Poor mbm.

I can totally sympathise with you - it is crap when siblings take the piss with grandparents. In my lmited experience, it seems that the worse they are treated by demanding self-centred siblings,the more eager they are to accomodate

You really need to talk to your mum about this. It is completely unrealistic for parents of twins to expect that they will either not have to reduce their hours or pay for any childcare.

My SIL has never paid for a days childcare (or evening's b'sitting) in the 6 yrs she has had children, whereas we have paid literally tens of thousands in childcare.

Sorry to hi-jack - wine going to my head, husband in bed, starting to rant.

Actually, I feel sorry for your poor mum. She's going to be caught up in the middle good and proper isn't she, will spend all her time caring for grandchildren and still won't please everybody.

Just remember that she's not obliged to look after any of her grandkids any of the time. She's not some sort of resource to be shared out fairly b/w you and your sister, she is her own person.

Maybe she will help your sister out more - twins are after all extremely hard work, and maybe she thinks you have more support from other parts of your family (am just guessing here) but please respect her decision and don't make her feel bad about it. She will love your child even if she doesn't provide childcare for you.

Oh,and my comments would apply equally to your sister, of course.

There another thread on the go at the mo, the OP complaining that her mum, who looks after her dc part-time, has suddenly let her down for 1 day in 3 weeks time! And she's asking AIBU! Your poor poor mum, she will not be able to cope with 3 babes however much she wants to, and I'm not sure that it's a good idea legally either. I don' think a CM would be able to take on 3 tiny babies would they?

i think you need to let your mum decide on this. if you would like your LO to spend a day a week with your mum and your mum agrees then let it happen. if your sister wants your mum to take her LO's for five days a week and your mum agrees then let that happen too. don't cut your nose off to spite your face by telling your mum that you will not send your child to her as long as your sister's kids are there. try and be the adult here and don't let issues of sibling rivalry dictate how this arrangement works.

personally, i think a situation where a grandparent is providing full time, FOC, care for children is a recipe for trouble. what happens when she wants a day off, or is sick or wants to go on holiday for a fortnight? what back up will you have.

my aunt looks after her two grandchildren full time. when she wanted to go and visit a sick relative in France at short notice my cousin told her that it was impossible as she would not be able to take time off work to look after her own children at such short notice. may aunt was mortified and felt exploited - cousin pays aunt nothing by the way.

Does your sister have any experience of looking after babies or young children? It doesn't sound to me like she has much concept of what looking after twins will be like for her as their mother, let alone for someone else, albeit their very loving grandmother. My mother adores all my children, and was enormously helpful when my twins were born (DD1 was 20 months at the time), staying for one or two nights a week until they were 4 months old, so that I was rarely on my own with all 3 children. But she finds it extremely hard and tiring to look after them on her own, or even with her partner's help, for any length of time.

I don't know how old your mother is (my mother's in her late sixties and is quite fit), but I think it's a bit presumptuous of your sister to assume that she will look after her twins 5 days a week. As Hunkermunker says, when is she going to go to the supermarket, doctor, dentist etc - have her own life? Looking after twins is very hard work - rewarding yes, and wonderful, but very hard work.

I don't think your expectations of childcare from your mother are unreasonable, but I do think your sister's are. It is probably inevitable that your mother will help your sister more than you, but that shouldn't mean that your child loses out on contact with his grandmother or that she will love him any less. Childcare for twins is expensive, but taking advantage of your mother is unfair. Perhaps you could talk to your mum about it first and talk to your sister together? Or how much influence does your father have? Would he talk to your sister about the fact that it might be too much for your mother?

OK

Twins on their own with nana - 1 day a week

Your baby with nana on his own -1 day a week

all together, 1 day a week (or a morning)

They will all be cousins after all, and its a relationship to be nurtured.

That way it is more fair on everyone. Honestly, your poor mum.

I am not having a go at you mumblesmummy, as your childcare needs are relatively small, and your mum seems happy about it, so this is more about your sister but I do get and at people on here who seem to think that their parents HAVE to look after their children. We have absolutely no support (my family in canada, dps family 3 hours away, and generally don't see them much) Some people really don't seem to realise how lucky they are.

Once again mumble, not having a go at you, as you seem genuinly worried about your mum.

Good Luck with your sister