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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that brother didn’t visit parents

60 replies

confusedinlondon · 14/10/2022 14:26

My brother hasn’t visited my parents in almost 1.5 years, maybe more, and this way a 10 min visit just to say hello during Covid when you could meet.
his last proper visit was some time in 2019.
today he returned from a business trip and our parents live 5 mins from the airport. He got a taxi and went home.
he could have taken a 10 minute detour just to say hello to them. We don’t really speak but his thoughtlessness towards them is very annoying.

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 14/10/2022 16:16

I say this b/c my older sis gives me and my younger sis so much grief for not doing "enough" for our parents. Her constant judgements (and she's far from perfect) have now had the impact on me blocking her on all social media. Its very very unattractive behaviour imo.

Dinoteeth · 14/10/2022 16:19

Sounds like he's decided to go low or no contact with them.

His choice

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2022 16:22

So what's the back story? There obviously is one. You say you barely speak to him, so what's your excuse for that?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 14/10/2022 16:23

There is no way there is not more to this than the face value you are portraying.

<awaits massive drip feed>

Comtesse · 14/10/2022 16:24

He isn’t speaking to them. You aren’t really speaking to him. Is one better than the other?

butterfliedtwo · 14/10/2022 16:26

Maybe he's decided to go no contact with them. That's his right for whatever reason he chooses.

You can have an opinion on it, but that's all.

butterfliedtwo · 14/10/2022 16:27

Yes, and why is it more acceptable for you not to speak to him?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/10/2022 16:31

Most people would prefer to go straight home after a flight back from a business trip so that boy is irrelevant.

There must be a reason he hasn’t seen them for that long, even over Christmas.

Does he live far away from them? Are they elderly enough that they need to be ‘visited’ instead of just making an arrangement to meet up? How much effort your parents make to see your brother? Have they invited him over?

Original poster
confusedinlondon · 14/10/2022 16:51

There is a large age gap between us 11 years which hasn’t helped our relationship.

There hasn’t been a big bust up. My parents and he spreak on a regular basis a few times a week.

i guess he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t speak to any other family members or even school friends.

my parents helped him out a lot financially… he has been travelling for a few years before and after uni all funded by them. His house, they gifted the deposit. His wedding they paid.
he has a well paying job now so many he thinks he doesn’t need them. Still a 5 min hello

OP posts:
BalmyBalmes · 14/10/2022 16:54

That is sad OP but one day your DB will discover he doesn't have parents any more ASD he'll have to live with his regrets.
Do your parents visit him? Have they invited him round?
If not why not?

Testina · 14/10/2022 16:58

“My parents and he spreak on a regular basis a few times a week.“

Then keep your bloody beak out!

So what if they gave him money? That’s what parents often choose to do for their children. I give mine money because I love them, not because I’m purchasing their time.

Speaking your parents on the phone 3x a week is more than most men, I would think, and more than a lot of women.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:58

BalmyBalmes · 14/10/2022 16:54

That is sad OP but one day your DB will discover he doesn't have parents any more ASD he'll have to live with his regrets.
Do your parents visit him? Have they invited him round?
If not why not?

I will have no regrets. The op's brother might not have either.

If my parent died tomorrow it would make no difference to me.

Testina · 14/10/2022 16:59

BalmyBalmes · 14/10/2022 16:54

That is sad OP but one day your DB will discover he doesn't have parents any more ASD he'll have to live with his regrets.
Do your parents visit him? Have they invited him round?
If not why not?

What, the regret that he only phoned them 3 times a week? 🤣

Testina · 14/10/2022 17:01

So he’s at least 30?
“He doesn’t speak to any other family members or even school friends.“
School friends?
Maybe he’s a grown adult living his own life where he speaks to people he has things in common with now not Liam that he sat ne t to in Form 3E?

Wibbly1008 · 14/10/2022 17:07

How can anyone say he is being unreasonable without knowing the history?! He could have been abused for all you know, or had a terrible childhood. The backstory is missing.

thelobsterquadrille · 14/10/2022 17:09

confusedinlondon · 14/10/2022 16:51

There is a large age gap between us 11 years which hasn’t helped our relationship.

There hasn’t been a big bust up. My parents and he spreak on a regular basis a few times a week.

i guess he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t speak to any other family members or even school friends.

my parents helped him out a lot financially… he has been travelling for a few years before and after uni all funded by them. His house, they gifted the deposit. His wedding they paid.
he has a well paying job now so many he thinks he doesn’t need them. Still a 5 min hello

I think you're way too over-involved.

Maybe he was tired.
Maybe he had to get home to sort other things out.
Maybe your parents were busy and didn't have time to see him.
Maybe they're all happy with speaking on the phone regularly instead of meeting up in person.
Maybe he offered to visit and they said no.

Does it really matter?

therubbiliser · 14/10/2022 17:10

It is typically parents who lay the foundations for their relationship with their children. Not every family is close and sometimes that can be for the best. You really don’t need to have expectations over other adults they just set you up to feel resentful if the expectations don’t end up being met.

MessagesOnMyPhone · 14/10/2022 17:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

butterfliedtwo · 14/10/2022 17:12

Testina · 14/10/2022 16:58

“My parents and he spreak on a regular basis a few times a week.“

Then keep your bloody beak out!

So what if they gave him money? That’s what parents often choose to do for their children. I give mine money because I love them, not because I’m purchasing their time.

Speaking your parents on the phone 3x a week is more than most men, I would think, and more than a lot of women.

This! I thought there was no contact. Seriously, you should stay out of it.

Original poster
confusedinlondon · 14/10/2022 17:31

They constantly asking him to come over but he just claims he is to busy.

The reality is that he cannot be arsed, its as simple as that. He is indifferent to them, me and our other sister.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 14/10/2022 17:35

You say My parents and he spreak on a regular basis a few times a week. and then
i guess he just doesn’t care.

That makes no sense.
You still haven’t said whether your parents have complained about him not going to see them. He talks to them, maybe they’re happy with that. You’ve made no effort to ask your brother why he doesn’t see them, even though you’re annoyed that he doesn’t. And I’m sorry but you just sound resentful that they’ve supported him financially.

Testina · 14/10/2022 17:36

So what do you want him to do?
A duty visit to you all?
Would you really take any pleasure from that?

With the age gap you have, you weren’t children together. I’m not surprised he doesn’t feel close to you. Add in personality differences too… and who needs a forced evening together, clock watching for it to end?

It’s a shame for his parents, I’ll be gutted if it happens to me. But he’s calling 3x a week.

Hbh17 · 14/10/2022 17:43

YABU. There is no obligation to visit family. Just because we are related to someone doesn't mean we actually like them. You have your own relationship with your parents - fine, you handle that exactly as you wish, but it's not your place to interfere in anyone else's choices.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 17:48

confusedinlondon · 14/10/2022 17:31

They constantly asking him to come over but he just claims he is to busy.

The reality is that he cannot be arsed, its as simple as that. He is indifferent to them, me and our other sister.

So what? What's it got to do with you?

TimBoothseyes · 14/10/2022 18:02

Well it seems nobody can be arsed to visit him either so what's the problem?