To feel sad about about having an only child in this insular society..

[Powersout]

DD is an only child by choice. I had some PND after she was born, struggled generally throughout toddler years then felt she was 'enough' when finding things a little easier. DH and I have siblings who we are not very close to and live far from so were very aware that DD doesn't have much in way of extended family...but we thought nursery then school would provide a good social life for her (and us - we're not from the town we live in so don't have many friends here yet.) Now our assumptions were based on our own experiences growing up in the 80s - I went to a village school where I used to go on regular playdates with all my classmates, my parents became friends with my friends parents and used to go on regular nights out with them, they would often arrange a babysitter to sit a couple of us at one house. There were lots of PTA events for children and parents where we used to play then the parents would all gather at one house for drinks afterwards. All good memories...

When we put DD in nursery we were really surprised at how unfriendly people were at drop off and pick up. I'd smile and say 'good morning' and sometimes people would deliberately avoid eye contact! We put it down to them being in a hurry and thought that school might provide more of an opportunity for us to make a friendship network. DD now in Year 1 and I feel quite despondent about everything. There are some friendly parents at the school gate and I chat to some of them but nothing in the way of friendship forming really. We recently threw a big birthday party for my DD and about 2/3 of the class came. Lots of parents just sat on the side not talking to anyone. Whilst some parents said 'hello' and made a little conversation when I saw them on the Monday, others kinda looked through me, almost without recognition. They'd been at my daughters bday party for goodness sake! There's no PTA events going on - I haven't heard a peep out of them other than for sweet sales after school.

I'm not naive enough to think that school provides instant friends for us as a family but AIBU to feel that my experience so far is a bit depressing? I have some NCT friends who I don't see as much since Covid but those I have invited over with their kids don't seem to invite back. We've met up with a family from nursery at the weekend (on our suggestion) but they havent contacted to arrange anything else. Should we be taking this personally?! Or is everyone just socialising within their family units r not at all these days? I've even started to think that I need to have another child just to give my child someone to reliably socialise with.

We struggled to make friends for dd as well. The other parents had their friend groups and breaking in just wasn’t possible.

when she got a bit older, she started making friends independently. That makes things much easier.

The forced teaming that children have based upon parent connections is artificial. kids have their own personalities. once they are old enough to tell you who they want to play with, you just have to try to facilitate that. It can still be a bit of a challenge because some parents cling to their own groups, but as kids get older they get more vocal and eventually can even communicate independently.

Not the same as I have 4 kids but equally have no family and I’ve experienced exactly the same, I’ve not made a single friend at the kids school at all and have found most people very unfriendly. The odd ones say hello but that’s about it, no Party invites etc.

I have two children of similar age and what you've written is very much my experience too, I feel quite down about it. Recently I've wondered if it's because I'm 'not from round here', although I've lived in the area 10 years. I get the impression that the parents all know each other from when they were at school. I think they stick to their own established circles. Some days (lots at the moment!) I think it must be me!
My children are shy socially with children and don't have any cousins their age and my friends have no children or older kids so I'd hoped for more opportunities for them to mix with kids their age.
No advice, just wanted to say someone else feels the same.

If you want the PTA to do more, why not join it and go and make that happen? If you want friends go and talk to the parents consistently, ask them about themselves and work on keeping it all going.
The reason society has become so insular is everyone expects someone else to do all the legwork and resents doing it themselves, so it’s all fallen apart.

What about the area you live in?
I moved to a new place before I had DS and didn't know anyone but I got involved in local events, drank in the local pub etc and made my friends that way. That has translated into DS having friends a school too as all the kids generally go to the same school.

Not quite the same as my DD is only 20mo but I've really struggled making friends, I have struggled connecting with people, I just felt like I didn't have anything in common with anyone and I really struggled to make conversation.

Partly for me because of anxiety and partly because covid has put me out of touch with talking to people and generally socialising. Since June I have been trying to get out the house with my daughter as much as possible. Whether it's going to a stay and play or going to story time at the local library. I do still find it hard but making myself go has meant I have slowly started to make friends with a couple of people. Seeing the same faces repeatedly, I think has helped.

I'm not sure what to suggest with a school aged child but do you have local events and things on? This is how I have managed to get talking with people. Like there's a few things on at the moment to do with Halloween near me, crafty things and ghost walks, not expensive and will likely draw local families, might be a good start?

I completely get where you’re coming from OP. We are in the same boat with our one DD, who also has no cousins and very little extended family. We are ‘one and done’ largely by choice (DD was carefully planned and we still see many upsides to having an just the one child), but also partly due to age and some medical issues on my side that would make a second pregnancy quite a risky undertaking.

It’s weird, though, that despite the tumbling birth rate and lots of stuff in the media about small families increasingly being the norm, I’m not seeing this borne out around me at all - everyone else I know either has or wants two, and social networks often tend to be built around having that as a model - lots of parents bonding over how tough it is with a school-aged child and a toddler etc.

It sounds like we’re in a slightly better position than you because we are well established where we live, have a strong local network and DD started school with a group of children she already knew. We chose the school in large part because of its strong community ethos and active PTA - there’s loads going on, and people do get that bit more involved than at some of our other local schools. It’s also a church school, and although we’re not actually religious ourselves we have found that it seems to attract a type of person who values community and a

But even so, I can definitely identify with the ‘insular’ thing. I do get a general sense that people are increasingly tending to retreat more into family groups, and are wary of being open and developing new friendships. I think it’s partly a hangover from the pandemic and the distrust of others that was instilled in us during that time, partly the many stresses of life at the moment meaning that people have limited head space for anything outside their nuclear family, and partly because many people have little money to spare and can’t afford to socialise as they used to (but are often too proud to admit to this).

We’re currently organising a party for DD’s 5th birthday. We’re fortunate in that we can share the party with a couple of children in the class who we met via NCT, so it’s a joint effort. But we sent the invitations out to DD’s whole class last week, and so far we’ve only had 3 replies out of 30 saying they can come - and they’re from the same few parents who tend to involve themselves in everything. It’s not a problem, as we have other friends and neighbours who can come, but I do worry a little that this is the way it’s going to be throughout DD’s school career.

I have to admit that the insularity and misanthropy that I’ve noticed around me over the past several years has made me regret our decision to stick at one (particularly given the lack of cousins etc) and if I had my time again I might be more inclined to start a family earlier and try to provide a sibling for DD (despite all my other instincts telling me that this would not be the optimal choice for us in lots of other ways).

Some classes have parents who are looking to make friends, some don't - maybe they have four older children and no time, maybe they have hundreds of other friends, maybe they hate other humans...they are just not motivated.

However your daughter will have made friends by now, so invite a few of those for individual playdates. Start with a few hours after school, then you can progress to weekend afternoons. If one child's parents aren't keen, just go the the next child. It takes a bit of effort but as the children get older they start to drive the process.

Then by Y3 it gets out of hand and you have too many playdates, and you have also accrued playdate arrears, and you are wondering how to repay these...but that is something for you to worry about in two years time .

Soon your daughter will be choosing who she likes as friends and you can then specifically invite those children over and hope for some invites back.She doesn't need 100's of friends or to be part of a big group of adults/kids, that's nice but not likely but it is more likely that she can make good friends and have them over for tea and vice versa as time goes on. The days of people having the energy to have people over for dinner on Wed and all having big parties/get togethers are mostly over I think, most parents have 2 parents working and everyone is a bit frazzled. Opportunities will come up, though, your party sounds great and over time, the solid good reliable friends will emerge, for her or you.

I just thought, our local library has a craft thing on, I think it's to do with clay for children 4+ I think so too old for us. But that's the sort of thing I mean, lots of local parents will take their kids to this to get them out the house.

The library is such a hub for everyone, really recommend joining with your DD if you haven't already.

Also, I just thought, what about swim clubs? You don't have to pay for the really expensive ones, there are often council run ones which are really inexpensive and at your DD age you will definitely need to be there to supervise, that would be a great way to make new friends

The reason society has become so insular is everyone expects someone else to do all the legwork and resents doing it themselves, so it’s all fallen apart

I do agree with this, and one thing I am doing is throwing myself into school life, helping out as much as can at events, becoming a governor, volunteering etc. I’m very lucky in that I’m in a position to do this though - appreciate that many others aren’t.

What about rainbows/brownies op? Ballet? Gymnastics?

Hopefully that’s another way to make friends

My parents did not work nearly such long hours in the 70's as are expected by my work now. My dad was home by 4 and was in a senior position! My mum didn't work except very part time til I was 11 and after that home by 4 as well, both teachers. Teachers these days do not leave their work at work, admin and marking is horrendous and all lesson plans are endless.

It was a different world and people had more leisure time, many more women were at home, so looking after older neighbours, organizing social events, coffee mornings, was more possible. I don't have the time to do this now, and my Sat/Sun are more insular (apart from clubs when my kids were little) with my few good friends. Church used to mix everyone in and that's not a thing now either.

To add (third post and counting! Sorry!) I am an only child myself and so is my DD (for the foreseeable anyway), we're lucky to have my mum nearby but that is it.

My mum doesn't have loads of friend tbh, she was single until I was about 11 and very work focused so just didn't have a lot of time. I am a home bird sort, but I can tell my DD loves interacting with others, so I always think even if I don't make lots of friends hopefully she is getting something out of whatever we're doing that day. And keeping my expectations low, lowers the pressure I put on myself.

This is purely anecdotal, but my DD is an only, and I am not lying to you, she has about 25 friends. I mean REAL friends. Friends she can rely/could rely on if she needed something, needed somewhere to stay, needed help with anything etc. I mean, she has us obviously, but if we can't help her, one of her two dozen friends will.

And, she has friends in London, Brighton, Manchester, Birmingham, Cornwall, Devon, North Wales, and Edinburgh. As well as half a dozen close pals near where she lives/workmates. She ALWAYS has somewhere to stay when she goes to these places.

She made these friends (who live in other towns) at uni, and at college, and when she took part in things at uni that involved several other unis. She left uni about 5 years ago, and still has contact with all the friends she made there.

I have never had as many friends in my lifetime as she has right now, (and has had for about a decade, as she started making lots of friends at college age.) She has a couple of friends at school, but it was when she left that she started making loads of friends.

tl;dr An ONLY does not have to be lonely. I have a brother, and have only ever had 3 or 4 friends really. Proper friends I mean. My BFF and me have known each other over 45 years.

I did have a few mum friends when DD was little, but they only lasted 3-5 years then we all moved on and didn't stay in touch. I am sorry you're finding it tough @Powersout I hope things improve. xx

I think people just don't have the capacity, time or energy to look outside of their own lives. We have ds and I found that people with more than 1 child were harder to pin down for playdates, meet ups etc. I guess if you have 2 then you don't need to worry about them being lonely too much? It becomes more of an issue because your world is smaller.

That's not my experience at all. We moved in lockdown. We've made friends both for the kids and as a family. People have been welcoming and chatty. I have noticed people being more insular where we live.

Sounds like you are in a lacklustre area. Some places are like this.

The solution is to join the PTA / become a brown owl / go to church (sorry) / and generally sign your kids up for classes. You have to be active about it.

School is where my kids go to make friends, I DELIBERATELY have a rule that I will not befriend their peers parents because its not fair to them.

My mam had a terrible habit of latching on to my friends parents, then our parents would fall out and it caused havok. I never had stable friend group, we got bounced round different classes as the school where trying to sperate the kids of parent with rivalry and obviously those friend where then lost to me.

I would NEVER do that to my children, their friends are their friends not mine and I will not interfere with that... basic politeness at parties and arranging the odd playdate is more than enough but I have zero plans of dinner dates or texting each other our gossip or going on nights out.

Friendships are fickle, especially when it comes to parenting where everyone judges everyone else its really a stupid minefield to deliberately walk yourself into because it takes next to nothing to set off a disagreement that can spiral effecting the kids.

Same way my friends are my friends and nothing to do with my kids, infact my friends have only met my kids in passing once or twice in 15 years and the 2 or 3 times a year I go out with my friends non of us invite our kids along.

My son is much younger (only 3) and for a long time I had this issue, especially over covid. I was so lonely and depressed it was awful. It’s got a lot better now as I’ve put so much effort in with lots of people and finally, finally some people have just clicked. I’ve found it’s more people I see constantly at groups and in the playground. No one through nursery!

As long as you are being lovely and polite I’m sure you’ll get there. Just keep on trying different sorts of people. Also exercise classes, groups on meet up, things like that. Do what makes you happy and you’ll hopefully find like minded others. Your daughter will have her own journey. She’ll be fine.

I admit that the friends I see are also only because we happen to be around at the same times during the week. I don’t know how I’d know anyone if I worked full time! No one is ever free at weekends it seems.

My mam had a terrible habit of latching on to my friends parents, then our parents would fall out and it caused havok. I never had stable friend group, we got bounced round different classes as the school where trying to sperate the kids of parent with rivalry and obviously those friend where then lost to me.

This isn't the norm though ......

I think you’ve been unlucky in a way. But also I do think that making friends through your kids can feel a bit like dating! I remember meeting a lovely mum at a playgroup with my eldest and having a very awkward “er, would you maybe like to get a coffee sometime?” Conversation where I asked for her number. I felt about 16. But I’m so glad I did as she has become a wonderful close friend. Saying that, we both get that the other is busy, we sometimes go a few months without seeing each other, and I think that’s fine.

mostly I think everyone is just worn out. I feel like I have daily life delicately balanced and it’s harder to just throw things in ad hoc. I’m also quite protective of my year 1 child’s after school time as she is so so tired mentally and emotionally by the end of school, she needs some wind down time. So we are only adding a club after school now and only one day a week.

it almost certainly is not a negative reflection on you!

also I do have two but they drive each other potty mostly. The eldest just gets bored and tries to antagonise the youngest. They do love each other (obviously) but my eldest would have been a perfectly happy only child too.

I'd agree with the worn out thing. People are often juggling more than one child, plus a full time job, plus awkward commutes between different schools/nurseries/workplaces, plus they could be struggling with the cost of living or their own mental health might be shot to bits. If I had the time and energy I would definitely be more proactive with socialising but I'm absolutely on the edge of my sanity right now.

Well you say that but these fall out didnt JUST effect me... if effected a dozen or so other kids over 16 years.

People clash over all sorts of things, friends (especially people who aren't real friends to begin with) fall out, that effects their children if their children are friends... if the many threads on play ground dramas on mumsnet is anything to go on this is NOT a unique experiance caused solely by my mother (although shes kind of hard work).

Are you really telling me you have never had a bad falling out with someone EVER?

Even if you are perfect sainty mcperfectson the person your befriending could easily be someone whose a hard work drama queen and then boom your kids got no friend anymore because drama face took issue with you.