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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MiL and FiL they can't look after DC anymore?

60 replies

BackOnceAgainWith · 14/10/2022 07:44

They are lovely. So generous. Almost too much. They literally would do anything for their son (my DH) and our kids

They travel miles every week to look after our DC for 1 day and 1 night a week. Our DC are 1 and 3 and a handful.

Twice now I've come back from work to find both MiL and FiL asleep on the sofa with the DC watching telly. Nothing bad happened. They didn't mean to fall asleep. They are both older and both on medication. I keep saying to DH its not fair on them, it's too much.

I don't wanna deprive them of seeing the kids and they're being so helpful. But I don't think I can leave the DC alone with them. The one year old especially.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LondonLovie · 14/10/2022 08:46

Done ban them, talk to them.

Princessglittery · 14/10/2022 08:51

Separate it out, them staying for 24 hours each week is not the problem. A full days child care is too much.

I’m in my 60s and falling asleep in the afternoon is very easy to do. They are probably fine looking after the children in the morning up until just after lunch. It’s the afternoon that’s the issue.

They seem lovely people so have a chat, say you love having them stay and look after the children but concerned a full day is too much. As pp have said, Suggest they sleep when DC nap or ask them if it would help if DC had a different care option in the afternoon e.g. nursery/childminder/babysitter.

CaronPoivre · 14/10/2022 08:52

Who hasn’t fallen into a light sleep when they’ve been looking after tiny children? I certainly did when mine were young. Asleep and not tuned to react if child finds a bread knife and starts chopping into the mains wiring is very different from dozing gently as they watch the latest children’s television programme for half an hour.

Im not sure it’s ‘too much’ and being fat has nothing much to do with it nor has your own mothers running ability. Medication probably doesn’t either unless they’re on opiates or sedation. They’re probably just warm and relaxed- a lovely place to be for all concerned. We used to take children to the cinema specifically so we could doze for an hour.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/10/2022 08:58

Sorry but I would have to stop this. They cannot be falling asleep whilst looking after children so young...they can get into mischief very quickly!
I think I would dress it up as them coming now on your days off for visits or you visit then etc but the childcare has to stop.

Original poster
BackOnceAgainWith · 14/10/2022 09:00

@CaronPoivre They were asleep to the point that I came in the house, walked into the room, scooped up the two children, started tidying up and they were still asleep. They haven't chosen to nap, they are falling asleep by mistake. MiL was v embarrassed. They kids were not safe.

Them being v overweight and on various medication I'm only mentioning as its not just an age thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BackOnceAgainWith · 14/10/2022 09:02

FiL already takes long naps during the day. Its just a new thing them both falling asleep. They sleep properly overnight. I'm worried about them tbh. They have so much medication they have to a big wash bag full of it for 24 hours. I don't actually know what it's all for.

OP posts:
diddl · 14/10/2022 09:10

I don't wanna deprive them of seeing the kids

Well you don't have to-they just can't do childcare any more!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/10/2022 09:12

I'd look for a local Playgroup they can walk the kids along to for a good chunk of the day (11-3 ish so they don't have to do lunch) then they still get to be involved and do the pick up, bedtime etc but get time in the day to themselves.

SpacePotato · 14/10/2022 09:19

Do you actually need them for childcare? Were you at work?

reluctantbrit · 14/10/2022 09:24

Compromise and have both in childcare in the morning and your in-laws collect
at lunch? Make lunch and then have the 1yr old nap so they have more peace?

It's just than the afternoon to cover and maybe that's less stressful?

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/10/2022 09:42

I've never fallen asleep in charge of my dc at any age, regardless of how tired i have been so I understand your concern and this would worry me too. One of your dc could choke or anything in the time they are asleep and they would have no idea (my DS choked a couple times when I was right next to him and it was terrifying).

As difficult as it may be, I would put my dc's safety before hurting my in law's feelings on this one and ask your DH to have a chat and see if they can come up with any solutions together.

LadyHarmby · 14/10/2022 09:49

I think nothing trumps the safety of the children so you’re going to have to change things. Frame it to them in those terms though - ask how they’d feel if something happened while they were asleep. They’d never forgive themselves. They must agree that the DC’s safety is the most important thing, the same as you, so you need to appeal to that.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 09:54

That does sound dangerous if you could get in the house and start tidying up and they’re still asleep.

Could you afford 2x half days at nursery for them both? They could do a morning on the day GPs usually arrive, so they collect them at lunchtime, and an afternoon on the day they leave?

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 09:55

I think you need to ask about the medication, too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/10/2022 09:59

I think you need to find a compromise. A long travel plus all day care of a baby and a toddler is exhausting. I also think a discussion about the medication is in order. They are looking after very young children so medication needs to be considered with that in mind. Either there is an alternative or the meds and childcare don’t mix.

FistFullOfRegrets · 14/10/2022 10:04

@BackOnceAgainWith

Why don't they stay the night before & the usual night?

junebirthdaygirl · 14/10/2022 10:04

Maybe they will be glad to end it but could still come for a night every few weeks. Come in the afternoon and have dinner together/ do bedtime story and leave the next morning. I have a habit of dosing off if sit down but when my gd was young l would not take my eyes off her as did not want anything to happen on my watch. They are not able for it any more. Get your dh to gently speak to them. Could you say creche says it's the full week or nothing if that's where they are the other days.
Children's safety comes first.

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 10:05

If they arrive for 10am, when you you/your DH start work - and are you both out of the house?

Could they stay the night before their whole day’s childcare? Could you or your DH WFH that day, etc.?

SalviaOfficinalis · 14/10/2022 10:07

I think your DH should have a word about the medication and suggest they both get it reviewed by the GP. That’s not good - are they safe to drive?

I agree I don’t think they can be responsible for DC at the moment.

Very sensitive obviously, and horribly awkward, but but safety comes first.

PuppyMonkey · 14/10/2022 10:10

So, were they both “embarrassed” enough to accept you telling them they can’t be left in charge of your two small children any more?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 14/10/2022 10:49

They need to have a medication review. The NHS is not in a good way and many things fall through the cracks - especially if some is medications they have had repeats for for years.

We recently insisted on a medication review for a parent as they were on so many and starting to get confused. Turns out they were on multiple that did the same things and stuff they didn't need and the doctors managed to more than half the number of meds they were on.

TheTeddyBears · 14/10/2022 11:04

Could your kids do a half day morning at nursery? This could allow your in laws to arrive later and not be so tiered. You cld use the excuse you need to get them a place there sooner than later as it's difficult to get them in.

Iheartmykyndle · 14/10/2022 11:09

It doesn't sound safe that they're falling asleep, especially not if they've got a long drive. I've been driving before and felt myself nodding off and it's terrifying.

I think it's worth a good chat with them, would a longer stay every month be better for them? Would they move to be closer?

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 14/10/2022 11:13

Get the in laws to drop children at a nursery. Afternoon half days are often 1-6pm so they get 3 hours with your DCs in which to play, make some lunch and walk them to nursery. They then get all afternoon to rest and nap, you/OH/in laws collect from nursery and they can do bath and bed if they want to.

I wouldn't get the DCs in morning childcare as your in-laws are tired in the afternoon (due to age/weight/medication etc). Tell them DCs have been on the waiting list since birth and they finally got a place!! You're so excited for DCs and need in laws to drop them off.

wildseas · 14/10/2022 11:32

I agree with you that this is dangerous.

In your position I would stick with the weekly schedual (if they want to) and put the children into nursery in the day but have them do dinner, bath and bed.