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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil issues: where are your mother's? Don't they advise you?

30 replies

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 13/10/2022 22:34

Unfortunately my darling mother had passed away by the time I met DH but I know she suffered with my fathers my mother.

I often wonder what advice she would give me?

My df was a bit sycophantic and didn't quite get it with mil....

He didn't understand for instance what was the issue with a mil who wanted to choose and buy a pram without me.
Or buy 3 beautiful baby grows and go on and on about them but not want to equally fawn over baby clothes I had got for my own baby?

If my dds encounter Someone like my mil who shares the traits of many difficult mils I will be strongly urging them not to take any abuse!

Where are the mum's supporting their daughters?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 13/10/2022 22:36
  • my mil has turned out to be an horrific nightmare.

I've got far more awful example but I was just using some examples that my dad didn't get...

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 13/10/2022 22:40

My DM said to combine the worst qualities of any man’s parents and see if you could live with it…as a worst case scenario. Advice I will pass onto my DSs.

My PIL are lovely (with as many quirks as any of us) and I would possibly not have married DH on the basis of DM’s advice if they hadn’t been (by the time I was getting married in my late 20s, DM has been proved right so many times that I’d started to pay very close attention to all her relationship advice).

Is it possible that people who have more complicated relationships with their DM also marry people with more complicated DParents?

B1pbop · 13/10/2022 22:40

My mum is more of a nightmare than my MiL.

Original poster
TheHouseonHauntedHill · 13/10/2022 22:44

My problems with mil have tainted the best year's of my marriage!

I would try stop that happing to DDS if it means me talking to the mil.

Hopefully I would know them reasonably well before that point.

I would never let anyone treat my dd how my mil treated me.

OP posts:
Saracen · 13/10/2022 23:40

I can't see how my mum's input would have been helpful to me in disagreements with my MIL. Our disagreements were mainly based in cultural differences, different upbringings etc. So I think my mum would only have echoed my own POV and would not have been in a position to help me see where MIL was coming from. It was my other in-laws who helped me with that.

PoundOfNesh · 13/10/2022 23:54

What input do you think people need?

It’s common sense to not marry someone whose parents you don’t get on with and who doesn’t support you against them, unfortunately many men and women aren’t that clever and do this anyway

Enko · 13/10/2022 23:58

To be honest the difficult mil in our relationship was my.mother.. My MIL was amazing and I miss her dearly.

Dd1 so far gets on well with boyfriends mother but I woild support if needed. Just like I support her forming a good relationship with her.

AdverseXCamber · 14/10/2022 00:44

First example I can agree with but I have no idea why the second one would even register.

GrinitchSpinach · 14/10/2022 00:49

Is it possible that people who have more complicated relationships with their DM also marry people with more complicated DParents?

Completely possible. For others, it may be that their parents are so uncomplicated that they are a bit naive about other families’ dynamics.

Holly60 · 18/10/2022 06:53

My own mother always took my MILs side 😂. When young and first married I'd go running to her with some petty grievance and she'd put me straight and make me see it from MIL's point of view. I'm so grateful to her for that because I ended up so close to both of them and my children had two wonderful sets of grandparents.

My DIL is wonderful too and we get on like a house on fire.

chezpopbang · 18/10/2022 07:16

You speaking with any further difficult MIL would be a nightmare and only make everything worse. To me it sounds like you are going up repeat the mistakes of your MIL and not even realise it. The problem wasn't the pram, the problem was MIL overstepping the mark and thinking she knows best which is exactly what you would be doing by trying to step in. Let your daughter deal with it herself if it ever comes to that. You can support her without getting involved.

Roselilly36 · 18/10/2022 07:24

I am one of the lucky ones my late MIL, was absolutely wonderful, better than a mum to me. I miss her so much.

Sparklybees · 18/10/2022 07:27

I find it more nuanced than simply a mum being on a daughter's side against a MIL.
And indeed, it's not as simple as not marrying someone because of their parents as a previous poster has stated.

Mu relationship with my MIL is tricky. She is a difficult person in many ways. I vent to my mum but there is little she can do to help, nor would I want her to get involved. My husband is lovely and has a good relationship with his mum, which I would absolutely not want to affect.

We have had to find a balance of him understanding why I get upset but also maintaining his relationship with his mum.

There are so many variables in any relationship and a MIL/DIL is one of the trickiest to navigate.

Nosleepforthismum · 18/10/2022 07:27

I mean, in the examples you gave in the OP my mum would tell me to stop being so dramatic and probably take my MIL’s side 😅. Free pram and she’ll go to the effort of navigating the hell that is pram shopping? Amazing. Free clothes? Fabulous. Any actual issues though and she’d never get involved on my behalf (please don’t do this). She’d be supportive but also probably tell me to grow a pair. I love my mum but she does not pander to me and has a knack of bringing me back down to earth when I’m being unreasonable.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/10/2022 07:34

The only person who needs to get involved in MIL/DIL disputes is the husband as only he really knows both.

I've found from my time on MN, where there is a long standing issue between MIL and DIL, there is usually a spineless man in the middle who (in the main) defers to Mummy.

silverclock222 · 18/10/2022 07:34

You do realise 'talking to your dad MIL if required would make you SIL interfering MIL don't you?

sheepdogdelight · 18/10/2022 07:41

B1pbop · 13/10/2022 22:40

My mum is more of a nightmare than my MiL.

Yes, this. And it would be disloyal to talk about my problems with my mother with my MIL, so I don't get "advice" that way round either.

I think you are thinking that everyone has a nice cosy soap opera relationship with their mum where they have nice little chats and the mum gives sage and helpful advice. I'm sure there are a few people that fall into that category but most of us have more complex relationships than that.

sheepdogdelight · 18/10/2022 07:42

P.S I don't "get" your examples either.

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2022 07:43

Not all mils are toxic. Mine is nice enough. She will share her thoughts when it comes to parenting which I've always respectfully listened to and then I get on with doing things my own way. She doesn't interfere. She does favour bills children over ours (not in an anxious way) which makes me keep her at a distance.

Sceptre86 · 18/10/2022 07:44

I don't see any issues with the examples you've described and from that would think you were being an overbearing dil.

MrsTimRiggins · 18/10/2022 07:48

Why on earth would I go running to my mother, expecting her to sort out (petty) disputes with my MIL? Or any problems for that matter? Be an adult, sort your own issues out.

Iheartmykyndle · 18/10/2022 07:50

My SIL (well BILs wife but for ease) loves to bitch about our MIL. The truth is whatever MIL does it would be the wrong thing. There's absolutely no pleasing SIL, she's an incredibly difficult woman. I love MIL as does other BILs partner and we both thing the other one is crackers. I always wonde when I see endless MIl threads who the real problem is.

My parents are far more tricky characters but I'd be incredibly disappointed if DH went venting to his DP about mine expecting them to do something about a situation. We're grown ups and should handle any issues as such.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/10/2022 07:53

Tbh if a woman has issues with both her DM and MIL I'd suggest taking a good look at the common denominator first. Not necessarily to blame themselves, but to unpick when and why it started.

PriOn1 · 18/10/2022 07:54

My DM said to combine the worst qualities of any man’s parents and see if you could live with it…

This wouldn’t have helped me at all. All abusive behaviour was carefully hidden from non family members, and were therefore almost impossible to spot until we were long married.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/10/2022 08:03

Unfortunately there are always the “my terrible MIL” stories on here. At the end of the day though-she is your DHs mother! We have all the oh my MIL wants to come and see my newborn AIBU to tell her to leave it 2weeks? When you’re having your own mother round. At the end of the day, your mum, his mum-neither of which you actually pick to be your friend, but they are family🤷‍♀️

your first example I would have just said, oh let’s go together as I have some ideas of what I’d like. Your second example is nothing; just an excited granny.

And don’t bring your DDs up to be combative with any potential MIL and to run to you at any point, that’s unhealthy. They would need to work through issues with their DH.

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